Blah-ditty-blah

so i don't mean to be kinda morbid. . . or depressing. . . but this is the only thing that came into mind today. . .

i was listening to barenaked ladies. . .maroon. overall a good album, and sometime maybe i can relate a story of how i ended up being their lightboard operator one evening. but it was this one song that caught my attention. it starts off with a semi twisted calliope music, but then the vocals and the rest of the song is really kinda pretty. even though the idea of the whole thing is rather sad. it's called tonight is the night i fell asleep at the wheel.

sadly it reminds me of this guy, ray beamus. i worked as an usher with him for a local summer theatre company when i was 13. to be completely honest, he was really cute, and exceptionally sweet. an older, cute guy being really sweet to me wasn't exactly par for my life course. . . so i had a pretty good crush on him. i remember one night at the theatre where we were particularly busy. i had made a few runs to let people into special access areas for wheelchairs on a side entrance of the theatre. when i came back ray insisted on taking all the patrons who had seats in the area furthest from the entrance. he always called me 'sweetheart' which would piss off a friend of mine at the time, who also had a crush on him. (it was rare when i made other girls jealous, so i quietly relished it) but i'm pretty sure he was dating another girl from our highschool at the time.

anyway, sometime one summer, he was driving late at night and fell asleep beind the wheel. he died instantly on an impact with another car. the other car saw him in the wrong lane and moved into the opposite lane, but honked their horn which woke him up. he quickly moved into the correct lane but into the oncoming car.

on the news in the morning i misheard and thought maybe his grandfather died. i heard an 80 year old ray beamus was killed, but my parents corrected me and told me, an 18 year old. for some reason i always wanted to visit his grave. . . but i have no memory of where he was buried. i had cried myself to sleep for months afterward. he was the first young person i knew to die. mostly, it's when i'm driving the same road through antwerp in northern ny that i get upset anymore.

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i just emailed a friend of mine who i haven't seen in a long time. i told him how much i appreciated his frienship when i was not so happy with a recent move across the country. turns out he just had a bad time at a job interview and the email brightened his mood. never can tell when those little things will become important. . . wish i let ray know how much i liked his presence.
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anyway, for those who don't know the lyrics to the song. . . i copied them from some site and added them below.

Tonight is the night i fell asleep at the wheel.

Driving home to be with you
The highway's dividing, the city's in view
As usual, I'm almost on time
You're the last thing that's on my mind
I wish I could tell you the way that I feel
But tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel

No commotion, no screaming brakes
Most of it's over before I awake
From the ceiling, my coffee cup drips
While out my window, the horizon does flips
The worst part was hitting the ground -
Not the feeling so much as the sound
Can't help but wonder if all this is real
Cause tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel

Rubberneck traffic and passersby
And Slow Motion Walter the fire engine guy
Stand around with their mouths open wide
I heard some idiot ask if someone's inside
With the Jaws of Life they tried and they tried
Nobody here can know how I feel
Cause tonight is the night I fell asleep at the wheel

I guess it's over now
Cause I've never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
I guess it's over now
Cause I've never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
Never seen so much, never seen so much
So much blood

In all the confusion, there's something serene
I'm just a posthumous part of the scene
Now I'm floating above looking in
As the radio blares and wheels spin
I can see my face slump with a grin
And you...you're the last thing on my mind
You're the last thing on my mind
You're the last thing on my mind
You're the last thing on my mind

really. . . the song is kinda pretty. . . in a way

"and we'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere . . .and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys."