weather wtf?

weather wtf?, originally uploaded by ekissam.

wonder why i don't trust my forecast? they are messing with me.


welcome to the church of comparisons and expectations*

*you may already be a practicing member.

it was my friend’s intention to calm me down. i was comparing one significant life event and choices to another. my anxiety flared and he kept trying to tell me that the two are completely different and that the outcomes can’t be compared. therefore comparing the two is only an exercise in frustration blah blah blah. . .

i calmed down and our conversation moved onto other topics . . . but my brain went to work . . .


i feel that we are often told to avoid them.

we have a lot of sayings for comparisons. . .
the grass is always greener. . . . keeping up with the jones’s. . . .apples and oranges. . . . mind your p’s and q’s. . . whip them out and measure. . .

it would seem that we’ve created a language of idioms to talk about comparisons. a way of dancing around comparisons without actually touching them. comparison is considered playing dirty.

we are taught that it is impolite to ask about a person’s wages.
we might compare their paycheck to our own. we might start to compare their skills to our own.
how many hours do they work? how difficult are their tasks? are they deserving of their pay? are we deserving of ours? do we deserve more? is their car a better make? is their husband or wife hotter than mine? are her shoes more fashionable? did she get fatter? has he lost more hair? are their kids smarter? what side of town do they live on? oh, she went to THAT university? you mean you don’t buy organic? mac or pc? what do you mean you’ve NEVER watched princess bride?

it can get messy. if you use these means to measure self worth it can get quick sand messy. people like to avoid messes. . . so they throw in a ‘grass is always greener’ to persuade you away from the topic and to reassure you that you aren’t seeing the full picture. and possibly somehow, there’s an unseen balance.

(schadenfreude; possibly the only time when this game is a little fun.)

my question is. . . my argument is: there is nothing but comparison.

well, that. . . and possibly. . . expectation.

-expectation also has a lot of sayings. . .

don’t count your eggs before they’ve hatched, assuming makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me,’ don’t count your irons before they’re hot, (the SAT favorite) hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

sidenote insight:
i tend to be argumentative. i might have spiraled out on this limb just to argue against my friend’s point. it’s a possibility. . . but i’ve created an argument that i’m having trouble breaking.

now, all i see is comparison and expectation. comparison and expectation. they both give birth to choice.

from start to end of day. . . think about it.

i compare my likes and dislikes constantly. i draw on past experience to piece together possible contentment and disappointment ratios when dealing with expectations.

for example- booths tend to feel slightly more removed from other patrons at a restaurant, so i prefer them. comparison made- i like booths more than tables and chairs. new restaurant?- choose a booth- keeping with the rule set by past comparisons. new discovery- there is an awkward distance between this particular bench and table. balance of expectations tips away from contentment and toward disappointment. next time at that restaurant, i choose table and chairs.

seems weighty for a simple night of pizza. . . but the equation applies to nearly everything.

why i choose one pair of socks over another/ one day’s activities over another/ one brand of toilet paper over another/ one person’s company over another/ one place to live in over another/ one movie over another/ one ice cream over another.

the equation doesn’t function properly yet.

say, i want to see a tim burton movie because i know from past experiences that movies he touches rate high on my enjoyable scale. add to that, the movie has ewan mcgregor (another person that tends to make movies more enjoyable.) so, my expectations are high. i see the movie, and it falls short. it rates on the ‘meh’ level. merely neutral. am i dissuaded from tim burton movies or ewan mcgregor movies? no, but i am slightly more hesitant.

another side note:
sometimes even a bad movie is made more enjoyable with the right company. conversely a good movie experience can be ruined by obnoxious audience members or movie theatres with poor audio equipment. (just to show that there are so many factors in each equation.)

there are also different sets of scales to weigh the comparisons and expectations. i.e. the set of scales used to measure movie experiences aren’t big enough to weigh the comparison between leaving one job for another.

nearly everything becomes data entry for an equation hopefully leading to the summation of a decent day.

each new byte is met with. . .
compared to what i know, or what i understand. . . what are the expectations?
then. . . what’s the scale of the expectation? large or small.
then. . . can i handle the fallout? can i perceive how good it might be?

will it matter now? or later?. . . how much later?

guess my point is. . .if you try to make the argument to me that ‘it’s like comparing apples and oranges’. . . this above tirade is what runs through my head. which will make it very likely that i will spend a decent part of my day fantasizing about punching you in the neck.

**i feel that this should’ve been more monumental considering how long i thought about it. . . . but, if you can make a good argument against it. . . i’d love to hear it.


wake up call.

i woke up from my dream. not out of terror or heartache, and not because the hammering from a next door neighbor had manifested itself into an amazing musical concert in the dream. . . but out of revelation.

i was at a yoga retreat, in connecticut (there had to be an element of the bizarre somewhere, it is a dream.) during our meal breaks people were talking about how to spend their free time on saturday. there was a clique of runners and a clique of hikers that were all mapping out their routes. i didn’t want to go with either group. i figured on grabbing my bike and just heading out in one direction or another.

some map was missing and everyone was upset since it helped pinpoint this fantastic secluded beach area. everyone wanted to meet there at the end of the day for a bonfire. i kinda figured, if it was a beach, and if i headed towards an area with water, i’d eventually find it. and later the next day, i did.

only, it wasn’t at all a secluded beach. there were tons of people on it. . .all different groups setting up big parties. i walked looking for the retreat group. the smaller groups started to blend into one big mass. and it became more difficult to spot people, or just move.

i bumped directly into someone and looked up to apologize.

it was someone i knew. a friend, sort of. we had been friends, but had hit a rough patch and gone our separate ways. we both smiled though and hugged each other. he actually lifted me off the ground and i felt years of misunderstandings drip from me and seep into the sand. the excitement of seeing a familiar face bursted into hope that we could be good friends again.

he put me down and we exchanged a few comments about how we were both at the same place and time. he hiked in. his pack was still on his back. . . t-shirt under an unbuttoned flannel, cargo shorts. . . and then black dress socks and black dress shoes.

fashion had never been his thing, but he had always worn practical clothes. the dress socks and shoes didn’t makes sense. why wear them on a hike? plus. . .they looked ridiculous with his clothes, and on a beach.

i looked him straight in the eyes smirked and said, “you never change.”

he took it to mean that he looked good.

this is when i became conscious that i was dreaming. i guess we continued talking for a little while, but i didn’t hear anything he said because i was outside the conversation trying to figure out why i said, “you never change.” why not say, “dude, what’s up with your shoes?”

we were going to leave that area of the crowd. he adjusted his pack and turned, confident that i would follow directly behind him.

i watched myself. i didn’t follow. he was swallowed by the crowd. there was still time to catch up. wasn’t i excited about reconnecting?

but i stood still for a few moments, smiled resolutely, then turned in the opposite direction and walked.

something about the, “you never change” and his shoes kept me from following. he was clueless. the dream me understood. the conscious me was also clueless.

i had never seen him wear dress shoes. - why would that prompt me to say that it seemed unchanged?

true, it looked completely ridiculous. but i never walked away from a friend just because they looked silly.

i watched my dream self make her way through the crowd while my conscious self mulled over and over, “you never change.”

then, i understood. it’s like a kid’s puzzle.

you’re given sets of three cards. a head, a body, and legs and feet. you’re supposed to match them to make the whole person. female head, to female body, to female legs. then you match the style of clothes. make sure the color of the blazers and pants match and so on.

the cards aren’t tricky (like fashion). there isn’t the possibility of matching a dress jean to a decent blazer with the appropriate heel for an office to evening look.

with this game, there is only right and wrong.

my dream gave me a visual clue that i only wish was available in real life. his legs didn’t match his body and head. kid’s game answer = wrong.

the reason we went our separate ways years before. . . minus emotion, minus details, simplified, boiled down. . . something was wrong. in the dream my conscious self was all hopeful and excited about reconnecting. my dream self saw clearly that there was something wrong-

therefore, no change.

within a quick meeting on the beach my dream self was able to assess something that i can’t do in real life- read a person clearly. i think we carry visual and non-visual clues into our true selves in real life, but rarely are they so black and white. and rarely is our view unclouded by our own hopes and fears.

there’s another kid’s game that can be played here. it’s that shaped hole and peg game. the square peg only fits into a square hole. you can try to shove the triangle peg into the square hole all you like. but simply put- they just don’t fit. something has to change- peg/ hole, or you can’t win.

“you never change.”



penis.shot.jpg, originally uploaded by ekissam.

win this "wee willie soju shot glass" from me.

follow the directions below.

or just post crass jokes here.

penis park soju shot glass contest

here it is:

i went to the penis park near samchoek. it was a nice weekend and i saw many many phallus shaped artwork. (you can see some of the trip in the pictures below.)

there was a gift store. as per usual.

i decided to buy a couple of soju shot glasses complete with wee willies in them.

i figured i would keep one for myself. . . and send one to a friend.

-but which friend?

i’d like to have a little fun with this. . . and perhaps you can have some fun too.

do YOU want a soju shot glass with a willie inside?

write me a reason why you want it.

your reason can be funny, crass, scientific (though i’m not sure how), political, diabolical, sentimental (though i’m not sure why), or just damn entertaining.

don’t make it too long, i’m not paid to read my email.

i’ll give you a month.

so in early april, i will review the entries (gee, i hope i get some- otherwise this could end up disappointing and boring).

using some very precise sorting and elimination methods i will choose a winner. (haven’t figured it out yet, but it will probably involve alcohol and dramatic readings amongst my co-workers.)

i will then post the entries to my blog (so if you want to remain anonymous, let me know). . . and announce a winner.

that winner will shortly receive a delightful care package from south korea.

send your entries to my email (please don’t post them as a comment)