just recently found this again and thought i'd share. . . it's just so damn funny!


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

*** Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*** Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*** Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

*** Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally,the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*** Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

*** Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

*** Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

*** Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge for making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends........$32,000

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion..........................$3,000

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui......................$8,500

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man ..............................................Priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard

How to tell if you live in a red, or blue state.
-from betty bowers

Blue States: Home of good schools
Red States: Homeskooled good


Blue States: Want a big tent for their Party.
Red States: Wears a big tent to her party.


Blue States: Favor electric cars
Red States: Favor electric chairs


Blue States: Concerned about ballooning deficits' effect on capital markets turning gains into thin air
Red States: Concerned about whether it's demons that make balloons float in thin air


Blue States: Dream of making enough money to kite and swim with Czechs in Biarritz
Red States: Dream of kiting enough checks to swim in Schlitz


Blue States: Favor institutionalized health care for the poor
Red States: Favor institutionalizing the poor


Blue States: After the 9/11 attacks, put coffins in the ground
Red States: After the 9/11 attacks, put magnetic flags on the car


Blue States: Forget that God did not give Adam a Steve
Red States: Forget that not only did God give Abraham three wives, He gave Solomon 300 concubines


Blue States: Enormous cities that serve as the engines of human progress
Red States: Enormous Hummers that serve as the engines for Arab oil


Blue States: Provide the "tax" part of "tax and spend"
Red States: Provide the "spend on a new 8-lane highway to link a Wal-Mart to the Olive Garden" part of "tax and spend"


Blue States: Believe we're all brothers and sisters under the skin.
Red States: Don't mind if we're brothers and sisters under the sheets.


Blue States: Fighting to clean up skid row
Red States: Fighting to clean up skid marks


Blue States: 9/11 survivors mourned at night as the television coverage showed those killed
Red States: Mourned television coverage of 9/11 that killed that night's "Survivor" show


Blue States: Concerned about global warming
Red States: Don't like to travel and are too fat to fit in an airline seat anyway, so glad to hear that the tropics are coming to Texas. Yee-haw!


Blue States: Follow Jesus, but doesn't believe in Him
Red States: Believe in Jesus, but doesn't follow Him


Blue States: Want to repeal the Patriot Act
Red States: Want to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation


Blue States: Looking for a method to weaken China every day
Red States: Sold everyday china for a weekend of meth


Blue States: Favor drafting annoying laws on assault rifles
Red States: Assault annoying in-laws with rifles after being drafted


Blue States: Want the right for everyone to worship as they choose
Red States: Want the right to choose everyone's worship


Blue States: Champion women wrestling with the right to choose
Red States: Choose women's wrestling championships


Blue States: Want a rational energy policy
Red States: Want policy of energetic irrationalism


Blue States: Used benefits to assist victims on account of attacks
Red States: Used attacks to benefit Toby Keith's bank account


Blue States: Watched friends in New York die in foxy attacks on America
Red States: Attack New York on Fox for not being friends of America


Blue States: Believe God loves us and gave everyone free will to be different
Red States: Believe God willed us to freely hate everyone different


Blue States: Believe absence makes the heart grow fonder
Red States: Believe abstinence saves the tart from plunder


Blue States: Believe in Mr. Darwin's theory of "Evolution"
Red States: Believe in Mr. Jesus' "Talking Snake" theory


Blue States: Slave to pay inheritance taxes
Red States: Inherited slaves


Blue States: Buy art
Red States: Collect Beanie Babies

something amusing for a snowy monday morning. . .

yes, there was a bit of powder on the roads, so i took my ride to the opera a little slower than usual. . . but the highway seemed fine and i was becoming rather annoyed with someone in front of my who kept riding their brakes and wasn't able to decided on which lane they wanted to occupy. . . when i had the chance to pass them i felt a superior snow driver. . . but as i fishtailed onto the actual opera road, i decided to not be as cocky and took the ride even more slowly.

even driving straight through one patch i could feel my car pull from below me. i slowed down more, thinking about how i would joke about my lateness and blame it on having only front wheel drive and a bad road. however, coming around one of the many bends in the road, there were all of my coworkers. some just pulled over, and one or two more actually had skidded off the road a bit. . . they motioned to me to keep going as far as i could. among them were 3 pick up trucks and one car. . . .further up a hill was another car, skidding slightly as he tried to make it up the last bit of hill. i stopped breifly behind him (since he was in the middle of the road) but he also motioned for me to continue past him. it was a tougher start. . . i slipped a bit, but then got my car rocking and pumped my gas pedal, or brake pedal (depending on the needs) the entire way into the parking lot. as i crawled up the hill i saw people cheering me on from behind.

once situated inside, i called their cell phones to see if they needed help, but they were going to rely on one of them with four wheel drive to try and tow them out. i should note that at 8am and hour later, i haven't heard them come in yet. . . but i figure they'll call if they need help.

so, whether it's luck, something odd about my car, or my extremely good snow driving skills honed in upstate ny (my first time ever driving was on black ice). . . i'm the first into the parking lot this morning. :) whoo hoo?!

my non-ghost story

not sure why, but i don't think i've relayed this one yet, and it came up in my mind (probably because of the sci-fi show that i can now enjoy with my cable. . 'ghost hunters'). . . so thought i'd share.

it was my first summer in kent, when i had to work at Porthole, sorry, i mean Porthouse. . . summer theatre company. i was befriending a bunch of people that were new to me. . . and somewhere down the line we got into ghost stories. the painter, i think his name was neil (terrible that i can't remember) mentioned that he liked to take people on this drive where they could see a ghost in a graveyard. he'd been doing it for about 5 years. . . and taken many a people out to this graveyard to see this ghost. i thought this sounded great. . . we could go ghost hunting! yipee. . .

as the story goes, this gray woman appears in the evening to watch over a grave- supposedly belonging to a loved one. i asked if anyone had seen her during the day, and no. . . no one had bothered to go out there during the day. then i asked how close anyone had gotten to her, and if anyone had attempted to make contact. .. . . no one had ever gotten out of the car. this absolutely needed some investigation.

it was me, another electrician -matt, the painter-neil, and the assistant technical director (i think his name was jason). we piled into neil's car and went on a decently lengthy ride. . . through a lot of rural land, twists and turns. definitely off the beaten path. i was armed pretty well, with a flashlight, a laser pointer, and some salt- (i'd heard it's rather protective and i though, better safe then sorry- JUST IN CASE) everyone was all gun ho about checking this out to the largest extent possible.

we approached the graveyard, and there she was. a tall gray figure leaning over a gravestone. we were all very excited. . . . neil made to turn around and make another pass and jason exclaimed that she was facing the other way on our first pass. . . i wasn't sure. . .. i wanted to get out and get a closer, and better look. and all of a sudden, matt and jason weren't up to getting out of the car. 'no, i'm not sure.' 'let's just head back.'. . . . blah blah blah. . . no we were getting out of the car and getting a closer look.

neil pulled into the small lot. and we all got out and started walking towards her. ok, now i may have seemed pretty ballsy, but i was completely nervous as well. . . what if she was a real ghost? how was i going to react to that? we made out way to her very slowly. i decided not to use a laser pointer, rationalizing that if she was a real ghosst that somehow pointing a laser beam into her would be rather disrespectful, and i didn't want to anger her. . . just in case. she kinda looked like stone. . . but it was so gray out, there was no decent defining light source to help out. . . we needed to get closer.

'guys, i think she's just a statue. . . i think.' i said it outloud, but had this image in my head. . . . her own head was facing downwards and was covered by a cascade of hair, so we couldn't see any facial features. . . but if you've seen the first ghostbuster movie then you might have an understanding for my mental image. each time i tried to imagine getting close enough to see her face, i envisioned her head upturning to reveal this hideously angry demonic face. . . kinda like that part in ghostbusters where they first encounter that librarian ghost and yell, 'get her' and she transforms into a rather scary entity. so even though i was verbally trying to convince the group and myself. . . . this image was slowing my feet a little.

we were then only a row of gravestones away from her. she was stone. . . .we were nearly completely sure. there was only one act to solidify it. someone needed to actually walk up and touch her. . . 'i'm not gonna touch her, you do it.' . . . 'uh huh. . . you!'. . . 'i dare you'. . . 'no way, i dare you!'. . . . you get the idea.

then suddenly a car was approaching. . . someone yelled that it was a cop. the group of us went to duck for cover. . . . matt and neil fled to the side, and jason and i ended up right at her feet. . . bumping into her. complete stone. a very sad looking figure standing over the grave with one arm draped over the top of the stone, and her grecian like draped dress just adding to the weight that seemed to sit with her. she was slightly larger then real life. . . and just really sad, and, well, kinda creepy looking . . . . but not a ghost.

we drove back home, feeling a little triumphant. . . and a little regretful. we'd disproved this wonderful thing that neil had been participating in for years. but we did have a pretty good time, and a good story to tell afterward.






"when you sit right down in the middle of yourself
you're gonna wanna have a comfortable chair"

soooo. . . guess who has a cable modem and digital cable. . . . that's right. . . this girl. and guess who's watched about 4 hours of celebrity poker in the past two days. . . . that's right. . . this girl. well, jared and i are still working out how to both share an IP. . . but that will change when we get te wireless router. . . oh yeah. . . so, we're sharing the net, but i'm here now!. . . whoo hooo. . . . .

it's all very exciting. but other than complete sensory overload. . . there's not too much happening. i've watched daily show, while downloading movie trailers and chatting online. . . . what else is there to life really? now, if i could only win the lottery so i would never have to leave my apt. . or by that time it would be a stylish house. . . but i think you get the idea.

MEME
(got this from another person's live journal)

Sometimes late at night... i wake up and find that i've been squinting, for hours, in my dream.

If only I could go back... i would pay more attention.

Someone told me once that... if i said 'bloody mary' into a mirror at midnight, a woman would appear and attempt to kill me. . . i still have NEVER done it.

I have no willpower when... faced with a brownie. . . and not the little female ones selling cookies, but the scrumptious chocolatey ones.

I can't stand... snotty loud people.

When I think of love... i feel overwhelmed.

I always question... myself. . . not enough trust there.

The last time I cried... was last night while taking a hot shower i thought of my grandmother (who has passed away) and racked my brain for five minutes when i though i'd forgotten the anniversary date of her death. . .then i remembered, april 7th-she died, april 8- is my grandfather's birthday, and april 9th is their wedding anniversary.

My reoccuring dream... is of a car crash. . . the car is buried in rubble and dirt, but a small seed (one cell of me) germinates until it creates another human-someone that i'm fearful of, that isn't at all me. (i've had it since i was 6 or so. . . but not recently)

Cell phones... can be really handy . . . and REALLY annoying.

You are about to expire. You can say two words to the world before you go. What two words would you choose to carry on in the life you left behind? . . . be kind.


these were her answers. . .

Sometimes late at night... I wake up and check on Jonah, even though nothing is wrong.

If only I could go back... I would fight harder for everything.

Someone told me once that... if you put rose petals under your pillow at night, you would dream about the man you were going to marry.

I have no willpower when... faced with peer pressure.

I can't stand... incompetent people.

When I think of love... I am forever hopeful.

I always question... people's reasoning.

The last time I cried... was this morning, after I dropped off a screaming Jonah at daycare.

My reoccuring dream... is that I am in the middle of a war and bombs are dropping all around me.

Cell phones... are dangerous to talk on while you're driving.

You are about to expire. You can say two words to the world before you go. What two words would you choose to carry on in the life you left behind? Remember me.*

*but, ah, forget my fate

ok. . . how about some advice. . .

i'm sick of my hair. . . sick sick sick of it.

i kinda want to grow it out, at least a little more, but i can't seem to wait long enough before i actually cut it. i tend to keep it in pigtails while at work. . . which is the majority of the time. . . . and i let it down, whether it's curly or if i straighten it. . . on weekends. . .

i've been toying and researching the idea of doing some dreadlock action. . . .

any ideas?

i think i'm too depressed to blog. . . . i wonder if there will be any psychiatrists that will make out fiscally from election depression?

well, one thing to be happy? about is that this time next week, i should have cable, and shortly after that. . .cable modem. . . . whoo-hoo.

i almost posted different thoughts along the whole election. . . .but i think i've become apathetic.

i am glad i no longer live in ohio. . . i guess that's one thing. hope all is well with you all.

"your next bold move"

coming of age during the plague
of reagan and bush
watching capitalism gun down democracy
it had this funny effect on me
i guess

i am cancer
i am HIV
and i'm down at the blue jesus
blue cross hospital
just lookin' up from my pillow
feeling blessed

and the mighty multinationals
have monopolized the oxygen
so it's as easy as breathing
for us all to participate

yes they're buying and selling
off shares of air
and you know it's all around you
but it's hard to point and say "there"
so you just sit on your hands
and quietly contemplate

your next bold move
the next thing you're gonna need to prove
to yourself

what a waste of thumbs that are opposable
to make machines that are disposable
and sell them to seagulls flying in circles
around one big right wing

yes, the left wing was broken long ago
by the slingshot of cointelpro
and now it's so hard to have faith in
anything

especially your next bold move
or the next thing you're gonna need to prove
to yourself

you want to track each trickle
back to its source
and then scream up the faucet
'til your face is hoarse
cuz you're surrounded by a world's worth
of things you just can't excuse

but you've got the hard cough of a chain smoker
and you're at the arctic circle playing strip poker
and it's getting colder and colder
everytime you lose

so go ahead
make your next bold move
tell us
what's the next thing you're gonna need to prove
to yourself

-ani difranco