5.08.2007

tearing. . . torn. . .worn out. . . and cock.


i have a new friend. er, an old friend that’s kinda new. . . er. . . . well, a friend of mine from a while ago found me out here. he moved to LA back in august. he’s someone i know from santa fe, and it’s been fun catching up and hanging out. we had a rather eventful weekend. . . a movie night at a co-worker’s wicked apartment downtown. . . then an evening at redcat for the calarts spring dance show. . . and another evening in the theatre with another co-worker’s latest production. some good dinners, chit chat, and a lot of driving back and forth. . . and all while i really should be packing. now i’m worn out, and need to put in one more week of work, all while packing and getting ready to drive back to santa fe.

i’m getting a lot of guff from co-workers and students asking if i’ll be returning next year. i’d say that the pressure is on, but i’d be lying. i’m not feeling any pressure to make a decision. . . i’m feeling anxious about trying to get everything done in the next few days. . . which in part includes laying some plans for the next year. . . why not. . . . . and cleaning out my office and leaving some instructions for the next person in. . . because. . . well, why not. cover my ass. . . you know?

i’m trying to live completely in the present. . . but my emotions are being ruled by the weight of what has happened in the past, and the future seems so muddy, i can’t make heads or tails of it.

i get phone calls from co-workers already in santa fe. . . i get phone calls from people who aren’t yet in santa fe, but will be soon. . . i get calls from people in calarts. . . and now i get calls from people in LA who i used to know from santa fe. you know how there’s the mathematical theories of relativity. . . and then there’s the fact that when you are enjoying your time, it seems to run more quickly than if you are bored. what i’m saying is. . . it is not physically possible for me to be in many places at once, but i am so currently torn between places i’m having trouble keeping my head straight. i can barely deal with anything outside the immediate.

wake up.
take shower.
plan what clothes to pack for santa fe.
get dressed in clothes for today.
answer phone call from student.
check email.
answer email from santa fe co-worker.
drive to work at calarts.
clean desktop for possible new replacement.
go to chiropractor.
fall asleep on back stretcher.
back to work.
create list of work to do at the top of next year.
check out museum times for thursday or friday.
think about food to grill at party this week in pasadena.
clean part of the workshop.
plan to see shrek with friends in santa fe on sunday.
eat lunch.
remember to renew AAA membership.

from moment to moment i’m struggling with my current reality. i’m at a play near ucla. . . but in the program is a full page ad for the santa fe opera. there is someone at my side in LA that i know from santa fe, while i’m talking with a calarts co-worker in person and getting a text message from a santa fe co-worker who is driving to santa fe from florida. the few messages i get from my friend from kent who is now living in india nearly put me over the edge. . . (sarah, i miss you horribly, and i’m so sorry i have no chance to talk to you, please don’t take offense. . .i need a few less things in my life is all.)

no breathing time in between. i will leave here friday or saturday, and start work in santa fe on monday. if i were to return to calarts next semester, i would leave santa fe on a friday or saturday, and start on that monday in september.

do i want that?
no.
do i want what i thought the job would be?
yes.
do i want to attempt to fix it alone. . . and in not being able to do so, lower my standards of work even further than i have already?
or in other words, do i want to allow my co-dependant nature take on this broken relationship of a job in the hopes of ‘making it better?’
no.
am i scared that i will forget how much i disliked the work over the summer?
yes.
am i scared that i will romanticize the idea and the ideal of making this system something that can work?
yes.
do i fear that i will feel compelled to return out of a sense of duty to the two year contract?
yes.
do i fear that i will return simply because the students are so starved for some form of consistency?
yes.
do i think it’s fair to think that way?
no.
would i feel guilty leaving them?
yes.
which is worth more? their stability or mine?
. . . and what does it say about a job when everyone i talk to says, ‘we hope you come back, but we’d understand if you didn’t’

i feel today, pretty much the same way i felt about this job my first week. i’m rearranging deck chairs on the titanic. the only difference is that i’ve started to see beyond my bunker and i’m enticed by what’s around me (outside of the job), that and i’ve started to bond to people. even the new friend is faulting me for leaving so ‘soon.’ it’s so unfair. . . to care.

all the crappy life situations that i stewed in while getting here and starting out here. . . granted, they aren’t on the top list of global disasters. . . but i wouldn’t fault someone other than me a decent melt down had it been someone else’s life. all my actions violated the wu-wei. . . why did i continue to push?

three days. . . just three.


meanwhile. . . i’m getting text and voice messages from my friends in santa fe. the first of the lighting department showed up last week and everyone is wondering where i am. i’m horribly jealous of the people already there, and i can’t wait to head out. . . but in my waiting i’m getting great messages. . .


oh, and for translation sake. . . . the ‘cock’ and ‘secret ingredient’ stuff are both partial quotes from some favored tv shows. a handful of us all watched ‘sealab2021’. . . and the british ‘office.’ in one episode of sealab, the captain went nutty over losing his favorite easy bake oven. in it’s defense he says, “it makes real cupcakes with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. but the secret ingredient is love.. . dammit." so i’m constantly asked what the secret ingredient is. . . as for cock. . . well, watch the british ‘office.’ there’s this tool of a character who carries his cell phone in a shoulder strap. his co-worker constantly makes phone calls to him simply saying, ‘cock!’ and hanging up. so instead of wasting time with the ringing, the answering, and the speaking, we just text ‘cock’ to one another.

anyway, here’s the messages that make me smile while getting through my day here.

“. . . miss you though. it’s lonely without you. please hurry.”

“can’t wait to see you!”

“the secret ingredient is. . . cock!”

“but the secret ingredient is missing”

“i miss you so much.”

“that is sweet. oh yeah and. . . cock!”


1 comment:

Nancy said...

hhahahha I read the whole thing (whew!! hehheh) to get to the cock part -- funny