Blah-ditty-blah

The idea for this next entry came from me trying to come up with an inventive way of writing to a friend of mine. I like to make letters kinda fun and special, and i thought I would use music to help me out. I picked a bunch of songs, and categorized them into different moods. . . then I did quite a bit of editing of the songs. I cut them down to only a choice few. . . . then, after creating the discs. . . I listened to them and started writing in a stream of consciousness style. After starting I realized that I wanted to share this with more than one person. . . so, why not blog it. . .. maybe someone else will read it and enjoy it?

I will preface this by saying some of it contains embarrassment, it contains sappiness, it contains pain, and it contains delight. I mentions some friends, and a few I refuse to name, or talk about much anymore. I'm not protecting the innocent. . . just myself (pride, ego, etc.)

Sadly. . . . you all won't have all the music I reference. . . . I guess, if someone wants it. . . I can copy it, and maybe send it out for Christmas. . . . . keep in mind, there will be more to come!

So here goes. . . . I'll title it, my life through music, part one. . . the kindasad album.

#1 break your heart (bare naked ladies) I think I like the first line of this the most, the bravest thing I've ever done was to run away and hide.-then, the weakest thing I've ever done was to stay right by your side. I've known so many people who stayed with their boyfriend, or girlfriend when the best thing would be for them to leave---or people who stayed in any kind of bad situation out of fear or some feeling of obligation. My family sometimes has a bad habit of staying in bad job situations for too long---but we're trying to break that chain. My aunt made a brave move and left a job where the people didn't respect her enough and where they wouldn't promote her, and where she didn't have enough time to spend with her kids. . . . so she left. . . and now she has a job where she has plenty of time for her family and where her co-workers treat her well. My mom did it as well. .. she wasn't feeling right at my highschool and was fighting a lot of wrongful opposition. . . so she left. It's such a big risk, and it's so scary. . but I'm sure my mom is happier at SLU (college) now. . . and I guess that's why I ended up at KSU. I wanted to leave my job in Virginia. . . . I was feeling so burnt out and not seeing any sort of happy ending to it, so I went back to school. My stupid pride makes me feel like I have to follow through, even half-assedly.

#2 china (tori amos) I really love the way she twists the meanings of words throughout this song. She speaks of distance between people both metaphorically and physically, and how distance-bring intangible somehow weighs so heavily on us. I can feel the distance getting close. Doesn't seem like it makes sense logically. . . but my heart understands it. Then she changes from china the country, to china, the dinnerware setting. . and draws a parallel between the unnoticeable cracks in the plates to the fractured lives of the people in the song. I also always thought I made a pretty good job of building the great wall to protect me. Sometimes I think you want me to touch you, how can I when you build the great wall around you?

#3 don't give up (peter Gabriel w/ kate bush) for a long time throughout college, this song was on a lot of my mix tapes. It could be a strength song as well. Don't give up cause you have friends, don't give up you're not beaten yet, don't give up I know you can make it. It really could've been a strength song, but something about kate's voice feels a little sad (but maybe that's because of another song of hers that appears on this mix) don't give up you're not the only one, don't give up, we're proud of who you are. We're proud of you who are. . . similar if not word for word something that my dad wrote on my birthday card when I turned 25. my mom usually writes the cards, so I was surprised to see his handwriting on the inside. Usually they only say things like that when I'm having a rough time, and feeling doubtful of myself. . but this was unsolicited. I felt a little weird turning 25, having recently left my job to start grad school. . . . not having many friends (I stayed a little distant my first year)-- but overall ok. . . just weird at the number 25. seeing what my dad wrote though brought me to instant tears of happiness.

#4 the end of the world (bill frisell and some chick singing. . . bill frisell is the guitarist) oddly enough --not!---this came into my possession during a dance concert. My senior year at emerson I had a majestic (the theatre, not the assignment) sound design. I was soooo nervous. . . but determined to do a good job. The concert was a first time collaboration between the theatre and dance department in that a theatre director chose a book to base the story of the dance on. She chose a story about the failed explorations to the north pole by annie dillard (sp?) as the plot, then the choreographers broke the story down into different dance pieces. For the 'ariel piece' done on ropes, I digitally composed a piece of music using some of the frisell soundtrack. . . processed it forwards and backwards, added reverb and loops. . . and came up with a piece of music that was very well received. I don't remember what part of the dance this piece was from for sure. . . but I think it was when the explorers realized they wouldn't find their destination. My sound board operator for the show had a problem during one of the performances. It was at the very beginning of a cute 'penguin' dance. One soloist came out to start the piece, and she was to be followed by more penguins when the next phrase of the music kicked in. . .. . but the music stopped right then. The cd skipped. She soloist gracefully exited, then came back on just as gracefully to start again when the music started from the top. Only people who knew the show had any idea. . . and I thought the dancer made a brilliant recovery- she somehow knew when to leave and return at the exact break in the music. . . even though it wasnt planned! I was first terrified for my board op and her. . . then completely amazed! But I digress. . . the actual song, which I think has been covered by quite a few people. . . is very sad. Why do the birds go on singing, don't they know, it's the end of the world, it ended when I lost your love. . . . why does my heart go on beating, why do these eyes of mine cry? Don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye. (the show, however, I count as one of my greatest triumphs at my undergrad)

#5 I will remember you. (Sarah McLaughlin) OK, so here is my sappy dawson's creek moment. I swear I think I only ever watched maybe 6 episodes. I'm so tired I can't sleep, standing on the edge of something much too deep, its funny how we feel so much we can't say a word, we are screaming inside but can't be heard. ---really who hasn't felt like this? Honestly, this isn't one of my all time, 'must have around me songs', it's just the title that fits with some recent partings between me and my friends. It seems to fit well in that sad category.

#6 I won't say I'm in love (sun by Megera in the Disney movie, Hercules.) -ok, here's a lighter song to make up for some of the heavier ones. And I'd be lying if I didn't say that this song in one of my theme songs. . . if only I could sing like her! I wish I could belt this one out with the back up singers 'sha-la-la-ing' behind me! as soon as I find a guy that fancy, I stay as far away from him as I can, outta sight outta mind. . . and never, never would I say the word love about any such person. Part of that is because it's so easy to say something and not mean it, I'm far more keen on actions, and the other part is how devastating it would be to say it and have someone hear it . . . then it's somehow made more real and you can't take it back so. . . I won't say I'm in love, . . . no chance, no way, I won't say it. . . get off my case, . . I won't say I'm in love. . . at least out loud, I won't say I'm in love.

#7 I miss you (incubus) ok, another song that I mostly picked for the title. But would I be out of line, if I said I missed you? --the one thing I did ever say to a boy I really faincied ---or thought I fancied, I went home for a quick break one summer. He drove me to the bus depot so I wouldn't have to leave so early and take the train. He gave me a long hug and I turned away and hastily got on the bus. I was a little pissed, he almost made me late. While I was at home he left a couple of messages on my voicemail. . . I returned the favor, and at the end , through tears, I told him I missed him. He wasn't mine to love, but I could miss him. . . I allowed myself that much indiscretion.

#8 reflection (sung by mulan in the Disney movie of the same name) first off, I want to say, cheesy as the song may be. . . lea salonga (or whatever her name is) has an incredible voice. . . one of the few things I genuinely envy in the world. Somehow I cannot hide, who I am, though I've tried. . . when will my reflection show, who I am inside? To start, who isn't scared that who they truly are isn't 'good enough'. . .. for the job, for the family, for the boy, for the girl?. . . secondly, anyone who as ever been made fun of, shunned, ostracized. . . whatever, for not having the 'right' looks. . . wonders when will people see me for who I am, and not for the size of clothes I wear, the style of my hair, the music I listen to, the bars I do or don't hang out in. . . why is my reflection someone I don't know?
I'm also reminded of one of my first classes at kent where one of my good friends, swon, confessed to running into difficult bits after moving to kent, which is a very white bread area that wasn't used to people of different cultures and how- being Korean- swon was mistaken for mulan by a young girl in a grocery store, because that was the only asian reference she had.

#9 I'm going to go back there someday (sung by gonzo in one of the muppet movies) there's something about the quality of his voice that makes it so touching. I've never been there, but I know the way. I'm going to go back there someday. Come and go with me, it's more fun to share. . . there's not a word yet for old friends that just met. Not to be deep, but I think it's about home, for me. . . wherever that is. I want all the people I love to be there. . . wherever there is.

#10 rainbow connection (sung by Kermit in the first muppet movie) so much of my childhood involved the muppets (for a long time, the time immediately following the muppet show was known as bedtime), I had to include this song. Even thought it might not be really sad, there is something kind of somber to it. My closest friend from highschool, dan, knows everything about the muppets, and he's the reason I got excited about them again in college. I would tape the shows while I was away at class, then watch them later. I didn't realize watching them as a kid, how intelligent they were. I remember how upset dan was when jim Henson died suddenly. He recorded hours and hours of news clips all day about it.
And something another friend, Sarah, pointed out to me, (something I kinda already knew) so many girls I know, including myself, are kind of like miss piggy. Always in pursuit of Kermit, who is constantly running away from us. --but they do end up getting married, so perhaps there's hope for all the miss piggy's out there, who feel llike they are hopelessly chasing Kermit. Who said that every wish would be heard and answered When wished on the morning star? Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it, And look what it's done so far.

#11 roads (portishead) this song kind of feels like an irish or Scottish dirge (to me at least). . .but without the bagpipes. . . at least in the beginning. The sound is so full and heavy, and her voice seems so frail against it. We've got a war to fight here, never found our way. I first heard this song in the movie tank girl- which became one of those theme movies I liked to watch whenever I felt like I was fighting something larger than me. Both tank girl, and jet (the main characters) are really kick ass girls. The fashion in it is quirky and trendy. . and forever in flux. For a while, when I would go into technical rehearsal, I would see them kind of like battles. . . which required me to wear the proper gear. I would cut the toes out of a pair of striped knee socks, and wear them on my elbows, like tank girl. . . and feel stronger, but I also found that it kept my elbows warm when I only wore a t-shirt in a dark theatre.

#12 I will not take these things for granted (toad the wet sprocket) one part of me just wants to tell you everything, . . . one part just needs the quiet. And if I'm lonely here, I'm lonely here. .. . and on the telephone, you offer reassurance. Well, I think that's how I always feel when I'm emotional over anything. I don't like discussing my emotions-- I like to gain some time and distance from them so I can deal with them more logically, with more objectiveness. So when someone asks me what's wrong?. . . I am caught between saying everything in my head, and just staying quiet. I remember listening to this when I was having trouble with a boy "who will not be named". .. he always talked about his feelings - it was kind of annoying, and at the same time, I was really jealous, that he felt confident and strong enough to reveal his feelings. I never felt strong like that. How can I hold the part of me, that only you can carry, I need some strength I haven't found. You know how when you fancy someone, and you become close to them, suddenly, if you don't hear from them for a whole day, you feel all depressed? Like you can't have a good day without their presence? I hated feeling that dependant on him! But I guess I finally got the strength I needed.
This song also has a nice meaning though. . .. I've just attached all these bad memories to it. Flowers in the garden, laughter in the hall, children in he car, dive into the ocean, standing in the bedroom, roaring canyons. . . I will not take these things for granted. --I'd like to live my life like that. Where I make special moments of all those small things that you only miss when you don't have them.
On a completely other note, this is also from the album that was playing the morning my house caught fire in highschool. I remember the power going out for short periods of time all morning due to the blizzard that hit us early that morning. I kept waking up to push play on my stereo, and start the music again. I could go into a very sad story about how my kitten, Artemis, woke me up in time for me to realize there was a fire so I could get out of my room. . . and she died. ---but I won't right now. . . .still feel guilty for not grabbing her when I ran out.

#13 this woman's work (kate bush) well, if the last song didn't make me cry enough remembering my most love pet, this song will put me over the edge. This is the saddest song I know. I should be crying but I just can’t let it show. I first heard this song in a movie, I think it was called, she's having my baby, with Kevin bacon. His wife has complications with the birth and this song is in the background while doctors are trying to save her, and he's outside. .. .waiting. I know you have a little life in you yet, I know you have a lot of strength left. As a drop of blood falls on the operating room, a tear falls in the waiting room. Give me these moments back, give them back to me. I forgot about the song till college, and I was watching party of five with my roommate, jen. One of the characters (bailey) got in a car wreck while driving under the influence, and put his girlfriend in the hospital. He's crying and staring at her in the hospital bed. . . of course this is when he decided to get help for his alcoholism. . . but that song! It really sticks to me.
It speaks so strongly to my sense of regret. . . all those things I should've said that I never said, all those things I should've done but I never did. . . it's such a lamentful song, and so soft at the same time. Pray god you can cope. . . . make it go away.

And yes it was another song I played a lot after I left a boy I fancied I know you have a little life in you yet, I know you have a lot of strength left. . . I was trying to convince myself, that I didn't need him. . . and I didn't----need him that is. Just make it go away. But it doesn't stop me from breaking out into tears while listening to this song. All the regrets she sings about in the end reverberate until she says make them go away now.

#14 until that time (skott freedman) this was the guy that my mom heard and praised after his visit to slu college. . . then I went to his very small concert at kent. (slightly more uplifting from the last song) he had to play on an electric keyboard. . . the sound was bad, and the lights were terrible! But he's a good piano player and a ocuple of his songs are really strong. One of my former students was the head of the gay and lesbian association that sponsored his concert. He was rather loud and mouthy in class, the student that is. . . he annoyed a lot of the other students, and me sometimes, but he kept me on my toes. . . and he had a genuine enthusiasm. He was really glad to see me there. Well I know that you're hurting, and I know that you're crying, and I know that you're lonely, and I know you know you're not the only one. But soon, again, my friend, you'll find you're way back to the sun. and until that time I'll be the hand for you to hold. And until that time feel free to cry on my shoulder, you'll be all right. We'll both be all right.