Blah-ditty-blah

i had this thought of posting the script to a play i wrote almost exactly a year ago. it was for out final in playwrighting. . . . a ten minute play that we had to find actors to read for. we then had an evening of all the plays from the class. it was a great time. the one play i thought in would use wasn't doing well as far as my teacher was concerned so i tried to write a new one. . . but that one flopped, then, over thanksgiving i wrote the one below. sadly, the readings were to take place the evening of the first day of school when we were back from thanksgiving. . . i had already asked a couple of my friends to read for me, and they accepted and took home the old script. . . cliff (an grad acting student) and jovana (one of my former lighting students). .. so i don't think they were really pleased about a brand new script that monday morning. . . . so when they said that they would only sit and read at a table i thanked them, but felt bad. . . since the entirety of the action involves walking around a chair. . . and well, if you read on, you'll see that it is rather integral to the story. however. . . .right before going on jovana came over to me, gave me a wink and said. . . we're gonna get on our feet and do it. . . i was overjoyed. . . as well as really nervous for them.

as it turned out though. . . they did an incredible job. . . both of them caught the voices of the characters so well. . . . i remember wishing more people had been able to attend. . . but i guess i just have to keep the memory for myself. . . and the group that was there.

anyway. . . here's the play.



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Becoming a Minor Echelon Superhero:
Part 4

A Scene

By Erika Kissam


CHARACTERS
GAIL: simply, casually dressed. Intelligent woman.
KIRK: casually dressed. A precise and intelligent man.

TIME
The present.

PLACE
A bare room containing one chair. There is a door to one side. The lighting is stark but not harsh.


(Lights up on GAIL and KIRK circling around the lone chair in a barren room. They have been at this 'game' for several hours now. They have cycled through anxiousness, boredom, anger, and pleasantries. They have become more at ease with each other as they continue their 'game' Each time a buzzer sounds they race to be the first to sit in the chair. It is a game of musical chairs without the music.)


GAIL
Did you say you were from Texas?

KIRK
Yeah. Just outside of Dallas.

GAIL
So, you came to the East Coast for all the glory of this?

KIRK
Look, I know you are trying to be nice and all, but I'd really like to focus on the objective.

GAIL
Come on! You know it is not going to be like this in the real world. There will be outside influences, and distractions, so you might as well get used to them.

KIRK
It really doesn't pertain to what-

(BUZZZZZZZZZ- they both race to the chair. KIRK wins and sits triumphantly on it while the GAIL remains calm.)

KIRK
43 to 46.

GAIL
Are you sure? I thought it was 44 to 45.

KIRK
Please! You know it is 43 to 46, this is our forte. We should at least be able to keep track of a few numbers.
(Both get up and start to pace around the chair again.)

KIRK
(feeling a little more at ease.)
Did you do well on the written portion of the exam?

GAIL
Well, the only way we are both here is because we were tied in the 99th percentile.



KIRK
Right, but the written only counts for 30 percent.
(GAIL is bored by the line of questioning.)
The practicum credit counts for 50 percent. And then there are 20 style points.

GAIL
Kirk, I took the exam, the entire thing, just like you. We've both been training for this for the better half of our lives; don't you think I know the breakdown of points for the exam?

KIRK
Yeah, but how did you do on the-
(BUZZZZZZZ- they both race for the chair, this time GAIL is first to the chair. KIRK dusts himself off a bit and composes himself before the two continue to circle the chair.)

GAIL
(pointing to herself)
44 to
(pointing to KIRK)
46. Not much of a gap.

KIRK
Do you think this is the last of the tie-breakers?


GAIL
Who knows?

KIRK
So, how did you do on the written?

GAIL
For the love! 30, I got a 30!

KIRK
Perfect score. I only got a 29.

GAIL
Then you must have done better than me on the practicum course.

KIRK
50 of 50.

GAIL
I only got a 45. That would put you significantly ahead of me.
(She stops momentarily to go over the situation.)
I was four full points behind you. Did you blow it on style?

KIRK
Keep going.


GAIL
There's nowhere else to go to tally the score from except style.

KIRK
No, keep moving . . . around the chair.
(They slowly continue around the chair and KIRK waves with a silly apologetic smile at a two way mirror found somewhere over the audience.)

Yes I blew it on style. Remember that last section of-

(BUZZZZZZZ- again they race to the chair and again GAIL is the first to sit. KIRK berates himself as they continue to circle the chair.)

Dammit. I knew I should've kept focus. I wasn't paying enough attention. I just kept talking and-

(BUZZZZZZ- KIRK makes it to the chair first. He lets out an exasperated laugh as if he's defeated the buzzer and shakes a gesture at the mirror letting the 'buzzers' know he's got them beat.)

GAIL
(Continuing the circle.)
Nice recovery. That makes it 45 to 47. Same gap as before, just a little closer to the end.

KIRK
They are trying to drive us mad. Do you think they will actually stop at 100 and declare one of us winner and hand us our official notification of superhero status? Not likely. It may be a test of endurance. They'll go far past 100. Just keep us running around in circles until one of us goes insane, or collapses, or rips through the two-way mirror!

GAIL
Relax. Maybe it's time to change direction again.

KIRK
On my count this time. One, two, three!

(They change direction and simultaneously there is a BUZZZZZZ. Gail sits down quickly. Stands up and they resume their new direction.)

GAIL
I'm sorry, that was cheap.

KIRK
(Quietly angry.)
I agree. Never the less, 46 to 47.

GAIL
What were you saying earlier about the style points?

KIRK
They count for 20 percent.

GAIL
No, about how you blew it?

KIRK
Oh, that last section.

GAIL
The M&M's?

KIRK
The infamous M&M's. I froze, completely panicked and froze. I had been doing so well up until that section. The magazine rack I organized in record time. The postcards stand I completed with complete artistry. I was whipping through them. Maybe I got cocky. But I got to the M&M's and panicked.

GAIL
What's your technique of sorting?

KIRK
I always go for alphabetical first.


GAIL
So, you got to M&M's and -

KIRK
-I saw a lot of little M's staring back at me and my heart began beating out of rhythm and I froze for a bit. How was I supposed to differentiate one M from another M? It was so defeating.




GAIL
(Shaking her head.)
It's one of the drawbacks of alphabetical organization. It's such an American, Western approach. It's like always categorizing by numerical value.

KIRK
I suppose there's a better way?

GAIL
You need to take a more holistic approach to organization. There is some organization that needs to be done strictly aesthetically.

KIRK
Are you joking?

GAIL
The postcards stand for example. I bet you separated the postcards alphabetically by the last name of the artist responsible for the picture on the front.

KIRK
Of course.

GAIL
Well, your method may have been more efficient, but I surmise that I received style points for separating the photography from the painted works. Then I separated the photography into separate categories of black and white versus color. Then I separated those two into photographs of people versus photographs of landscapes.

KIRK
How is that any better? The end result is similar.

GAIL
People are searching for different things. Only randomly is there someone searching for a postcard with artwork by a particular artist. Most of the time they are looking for a particular subject matter. The artist doesn't play as great a-

(BUZZZZZ- Gail makes it to the chair. She shrugs, and the two continue to circle the chair.)

KIRK
47, 47. If one of us were to screw up, this may be over in three more buzzes.

GAIL
Yeah.
(Pause)
Have you already picked your name?

KIRK
Ohmygod yes.
(Turning to her.)
You have to, don't deny it.

GAIL
No, you're right. I have a name I picked.

KIRK
I hate how we were discouraged not to pick names by the League. It's ridiculous. Most of us have had names picked since we were nine. Am I right?

GAIL
Yeah, I even had my mom make me a costume with colors and a design that I made up to go along with my name.

KIRK
So, give it up.

GAIL
No way! I asked you first.

KIRK
Okay, Sergeant Sort.

GAIL
Nice, Sergeant Sort, it is commanding and descriptive. It really-
(BUZZZZZZ- KIRK is the winner. They stand up and continue.)

KIRK
You think so?

GAIL
Yeah. It gives you a real air of authority.
(BUZZZZZZZ- GAIL wins and they continue.)

KIRK
So, what is your name?

GAIL
God, there's something so exposing about actually saying it, now that I'm not in grade school.
(She takes a deep breath and releases it.)
Professor Pick-Up.

KIRK
Wow. It's different. Not as harsh, but, damn it's stating your education in organization. I really like it.

GAIL
It doesn't sound too uppity?

KIRK
No, absolutely not. It-
(BUZZZZZ- KIRK wins and they continue.)

GAIL
Well, thanks. I was always worried about it. I felt like I held onto it just because I made it up so long ago. But I don't think anything else would suit me.

KIRK
I completely agree, and it doesn't sound too uppity.
(BUZZZZ- GAIL wins and they continue. 49 to 49.)

GAIL
Not to sound depressing, but do you have a plan B? I mean, I know I do. I'd hate to think of what would happen if I relied solely on getting this superhero appointment, and then it didn't happen.


KIRK
Actually. I've taken time off from my job in a library in order to take the exam.

GAIL
Wow, it all becomes clear. Let me guess. You work the late shift. You wait till everyone has left then you race about finishing all the work in record time, and then relax and read or crochet or something for several hours before clocking out.

KIRK
Close. You left out that I run around in my brightly colored cape, and afterward I have been creating a quarter inch scale of Dallas with an old erector set in the attic.

GAIL
Impressive. What colors are the-
(BUZZZZZZ- GAIL wins and they continue. 50 to 49.)

KIRK
So, how about you?-

GAIL
I work part time in a record shop and part time in an artist gallery.



KIRK
You're right, it does all fit together.

(BUZZZZZ- Kirk wins and they continue. 50 to 50.)

GAIL
I want to say, that I honestly wish you the best.

KIRK
(Heartfelt.)
Me too. If I came all this way to lose, I'm glad I've been pinned against you.
(They continue to circle in silence for a bit. Slowly they both slow down and stop. They look at each other and the two-way mirror.)


GAIL
That was it wasn't it?

KIRK
Split down the middle. 50 to 50.

GAIL
Are they going to announce anything?


KIRK
Maybe they lost track!
(Both giggle and have fun at the thought.)
HEY! Aren't we done?

GAIL
We tied!

VOICE FROM LOUDSPEAKER
Yes, please move into room 45B for a competition in a game of horseshoes. Thank you.

KIRK
Horseshoes?! I suck at horseshoes.

GAIL
I'm terrible at it.
(Blackout.)




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ps. . . we used my taboo game buzzer as the sound effect and joshua spencer played the part of the buzzer and the voice from the loud speaker.

hope you enjoyed it :o)