wake up call.

i woke up from my dream. not out of terror or heartache, and not because the hammering from a next door neighbor had manifested itself into an amazing musical concert in the dream. . . but out of revelation.

i was at a yoga retreat, in connecticut (there had to be an element of the bizarre somewhere, it is a dream.) during our meal breaks people were talking about how to spend their free time on saturday. there was a clique of runners and a clique of hikers that were all mapping out their routes. i didn’t want to go with either group. i figured on grabbing my bike and just heading out in one direction or another.

some map was missing and everyone was upset since it helped pinpoint this fantastic secluded beach area. everyone wanted to meet there at the end of the day for a bonfire. i kinda figured, if it was a beach, and if i headed towards an area with water, i’d eventually find it. and later the next day, i did.

only, it wasn’t at all a secluded beach. there were tons of people on it. . .all different groups setting up big parties. i walked looking for the retreat group. the smaller groups started to blend into one big mass. and it became more difficult to spot people, or just move.

i bumped directly into someone and looked up to apologize.

it was someone i knew. a friend, sort of. we had been friends, but had hit a rough patch and gone our separate ways. we both smiled though and hugged each other. he actually lifted me off the ground and i felt years of misunderstandings drip from me and seep into the sand. the excitement of seeing a familiar face bursted into hope that we could be good friends again.

he put me down and we exchanged a few comments about how we were both at the same place and time. he hiked in. his pack was still on his back. . . t-shirt under an unbuttoned flannel, cargo shorts. . . and then black dress socks and black dress shoes.

fashion had never been his thing, but he had always worn practical clothes. the dress socks and shoes didn’t makes sense. why wear them on a hike? plus. . .they looked ridiculous with his clothes, and on a beach.

i looked him straight in the eyes smirked and said, “you never change.”

he took it to mean that he looked good.

this is when i became conscious that i was dreaming. i guess we continued talking for a little while, but i didn’t hear anything he said because i was outside the conversation trying to figure out why i said, “you never change.” why not say, “dude, what’s up with your shoes?”

we were going to leave that area of the crowd. he adjusted his pack and turned, confident that i would follow directly behind him.

i watched myself. i didn’t follow. he was swallowed by the crowd. there was still time to catch up. wasn’t i excited about reconnecting?

but i stood still for a few moments, smiled resolutely, then turned in the opposite direction and walked.

something about the, “you never change” and his shoes kept me from following. he was clueless. the dream me understood. the conscious me was also clueless.

i had never seen him wear dress shoes. - why would that prompt me to say that it seemed unchanged?

true, it looked completely ridiculous. but i never walked away from a friend just because they looked silly.

i watched my dream self make her way through the crowd while my conscious self mulled over and over, “you never change.”

then, i understood. it’s like a kid’s puzzle.

you’re given sets of three cards. a head, a body, and legs and feet. you’re supposed to match them to make the whole person. female head, to female body, to female legs. then you match the style of clothes. make sure the color of the blazers and pants match and so on.

the cards aren’t tricky (like fashion). there isn’t the possibility of matching a dress jean to a decent blazer with the appropriate heel for an office to evening look.

with this game, there is only right and wrong.

my dream gave me a visual clue that i only wish was available in real life. his legs didn’t match his body and head. kid’s game answer = wrong.

the reason we went our separate ways years before. . . minus emotion, minus details, simplified, boiled down. . . something was wrong. in the dream my conscious self was all hopeful and excited about reconnecting. my dream self saw clearly that there was something wrong-

therefore, no change.

within a quick meeting on the beach my dream self was able to assess something that i can’t do in real life- read a person clearly. i think we carry visual and non-visual clues into our true selves in real life, but rarely are they so black and white. and rarely is our view unclouded by our own hopes and fears.

there’s another kid’s game that can be played here. it’s that shaped hole and peg game. the square peg only fits into a square hole. you can try to shove the triangle peg into the square hole all you like. but simply put- they just don’t fit. something has to change- peg/ hole, or you can’t win.

“you never change.”