wtf, where is my wu wei?

aka: a rationalization on why it’s ok for me to not return to calarts. . .

(from wikipedia)
Wu wei (Traditional Chinese characters: 無為 Simplified Chinese characters: 无为) is an important tenet of Taoism that involves knowing when to act and when not to act. Wu may be translated as not have; Wei may be translated as do, act, serve as, govern. The literal meaning of Wu Wei is "without action" and is often included in the paradox wei wu wei : "action without action" or "effortless doing". The practice of wu wei and the efficacy of wei wu wei are fundamental tenets in Chinese thought and have been mostly emphasized by the Taoist school. The aim of wu wei is to achieve a state of perfect equilibrium, or alignment with the Tao, and, as a result, obtain an irresistible form of "soft and invisible" power.

what was i thinking? i so rarely fight to get where i am. not that i don’t work hard, but somehow being in a place works out for me. there are always minor strifes, but i rarely feel like i’m not where i should be.

sorry, not making much sense here. . .

when i think back about how hard it was for me to leave santa fe and move to southern california, i really question my actions. i was so excited about the prospect of a new job, and the prestige of what i thought that job was, and the idea of being wanted that i think i was blinded to all the problems. i so desperately wanted it to work out.

-the week i interviewed for the job i was in the midst of end of season clean up and concerts at the opera. the clean up is usually laid back, but the concerts are always fraught with frustrations.
-a few days before i flew out for the interview my grandpa attempted suicide.
-the week i accepted the job i hospitalized myself with an anxiety attack and heart palpitations.
-i didn’t have a solid place to live when i got to valencia, so i stayed in a hotel for the first month and a half!
-my brother had to find a storage and unload the truck alone since my first week was already jam packed for me. . . he didn’t even get to see the school till he visited later.
-the office i was to inherit was a complete DUMP. i didn’t get to clean for a couple of weeks, but i found partially eaten fast food all over, and 9 ashtrays.
-i was first told that i would be ushered into the job with the assistance of the interim person for 5 weeks. when i got there it was changed to two weeks (still adequate), but the second week the guy never showed up due to illness.
-nothing that anyone else really wants to know, but i had diarrhea for the first two months i was there. . . unreal.
-the one person i wanted to live with accepted a job on a cruise ship the day we were going to look for apartments.
-the next week, i found a great room with a couple of guys that seemed really nice and laid back. everything seemed all set, i packed my car that weekend to move in and called to confirm that someone was there to meet me, at which point the landlord backed out on me.
-when i finally did find a room to rent, it was with decent enough people, but not anyone i have much in common with. (not that it matters too much, i was almost never home.)
-my grandpa moved in with my aunt and uncle downstate and started receiving better treatment. . . but then my uncle found out he had hodgkin's lymphoma and needed to start chemo treatments.
-then my aunt had some sort of breakdown due to some of her medications that sent her into a bizarre amnesia thing (while driving my cousin home.) in other words, being far away from my family while there were so many issues popping up was difficult.
-personally, i had benefits, but never had time to use them. . . no doctor visits, no check ups. . . then i hurt my back. . .

i kind of had this idea/ ideal that i would be able to get a place, have a decent work schedule, have a decent work out routine, there would be time for a social life, and maybe i could get a dog or something.


that would be the bubble of my hopes and dreams busting.

only toward my last month there did i really start to realize how many interesting things i was surrounded by, just living near la. but i barely had a chance to see any of it, and getting to it with a friend or two was such a hassle sometimes. . . . yeah, that would be a reference to the terrible la traffic.

there have to be cool things happening all the time there. . . there’s 11 million people, they need their rec. time. . . but maybe that’s why places like santa fe intrigue me so much. when something cool happens, it’s a big deal, and seems like a big deal. all the cool stuff i did while in la i could’ve done as a tourist during a week’s vacation.

i was always swamped with work, always tired and beat up. i understand that most shrinks define a good relationship as being 80% good and 20% difficult. i was in a bad relationship with my job there. it was at least 70% rocky.

i feel like i was constantly fighting upstream, . . . carrying an elephant up the stairs. . . . and i was getting no where fast. others told me i was making changes. . . but i didn’t feel it enough for myself. i really missed being part of a close knit team. there was a production team, but i really like having a team of my own, one that goes through the paces of the day alongside me. . . not just on the skirt hem of me. . . not just passing in the hallways and sharing elevator rides with me.

it should have been simpler. . . all of it. it should have fit together more easily. . . my life lacked lube.

i lost the wu wei.

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