hypothetically. . . .

we’ve all been there. the bathroom at work. (well, maybe i haven’t been to yours and you haven’t been to mine. . . or, maybe you have!. . . anyway) it’s not the most comfortable set up, usually. unless you happen to be one of those ‘important people’ who gets their own can as part of their office. usually one takes great care, thought, and deliberation in choosing which toilet to use, especially when one needs to take a crap.

perhaps there’s the one toilet that’s a little to small and close to coworkers, and one doesn’t want to be heard, suspected of, timed, smelled, and then blamed for the results of one’s trip to the bathroom. or perhaps one needs to time it correctly in order to miss the rush of coworkers in order to enjoy and relish in the alone time that most like to have in the bathroom.

i could relate my personal feelings that there is a conspiracy against me, personally, having the comfort, time, and peace that i prefer when ‘going a #2’ at my own work. how coworkers appear from nowhere to interrupt, and how i have to be wary of the costume shop schedule- nearly 60 women work there, and they all take their break at the same time (heaven help you if you need to pee or anything at that point). . . or how suspiciously when i need to go, that bathroom -no matter which one i choose at any time- needs to be cleaned, and i’m infringed upon by maintenance workers and their wheeled cart of disinfectant and cleaners. then, there’ the female one room/stall that’s right next to the male one room/stall. they share an air duct. i just find it impossible to perform when i can hear one of my coworkers, usually my boss, with the runs right next to me.

anyway, let’s say, hypothetically. that you are in the stall. everything is going smoothly, but you know you’ll be there for about 7 minutes, and you’ve taken out your phone to do some quality text messaging. you do so because your phone hides in your pocket and carrying a magazine or newspaper would be WAY to obvious. . . plus, you no longer have any good games on your phone since you’ve switched service. again, there you are, text messaging. someone else enters the bathroom and occupies a stall. there’s that immediate flurry in your mind . . . you wonder how long they will be staying. if they are going to be there for a long time as well, then it would be slightly creepy for you to never make a sound, so perhaps you should finish up. . . or blow your nose, tap your feet. . . something. if their stay is going to be really short, then you can just sit there, and make your presence known. . . or not. hypothetically, you were about to go for the nose blowing, but then you heard the other person pull from the toilet paper roll, dress themselves and flush. you are in the clear, so you sit quietly for them to leave. they wash their hands, you can hear the door open, and then something unexpected happens. they turn off the light. and instead of yelping out, you sit there, first in complete shock, then secondly in complete amusement, and thirdly. . . very slowly. . . you realize you are somewhat fucked. the screen of your phone is glowing, and since you figure-for the moment- there’s not much else you can do, you deliver the message and close the phone. then you REALLY realize exactly how pitch black dark it is. . . and there you are, a lighting technician without their flashlight. you theorize that you can finish the job by the light of your phone screen. but it requires more dexterity, and hands then you actually have, and the screen goes dim every minute or so. . . it’s too much of a pain.

here’s the question. do you attempt to finish out blind? figuring you were pretty much done anyway, and you’ll be able to turn on the light by the light of your phone in order to wash up. OR. . . do you quickly make your way penguin style (pants around ankles) out of the stall, again by the light of your phone, and make a mad dash to the light switch (in the great hopes that no one else casually strolls in and flips the light switch to be greeted by the sight of you with your pants around your ankles phone held at the ready in front of you like a weapon). . . and then head back to finish up? just hypothetically wondering. . . .