Blah-ditty-blah

so, i haven't known the exact date or even the day of the week for about the past week and a half. i just know the days according to what is happening onstage. . . . for instance, 'simone closing day', 'strike day', 'moscow ballet load in day'. . . . i knew it was closing in on september, but it kinda snuck past me. . . and i sort missed my mom's birthday---and usually i'm pretty good at getting a call out at the very least. . . as it so happened i was returning their call when dad reminded me, and i looked at my watch and realized all the important first of the month things that were staring me in the face. arg. . . ..

so yeah, moscow ballet, although it's a czech company and the two leads are from st. petersburg. . . the company is VERY poorly organized, and i don't think they have an understanding of what it means to produce a show in 4 days. . . .the little things that are needed to make things run smoothly, like scenery that is already chosen, and not picked out of stock on the 2nd night of 3 rehearsal nights. . . and that's is just the tip of the iceberg. . . . . but i won't bore you all.

the staff of the lighting/electrics department all took monday off together after the strike day- sunday. . . . we all went shopping together and bought enough food for 2 cookouts, though we thought we would get through it all on monday. . . turns out we have a limit! ribs, grilled asparagus, grilled veggies, grilled chicken on a beer can, brisket, grilled pineapple, mashed sweet potatoes, apple pie, cheesecake. . . . . and there's still salmon, grilled portabello mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, carnivore smores, and grilled potatoes left to make and consume. but it was a lovely day off. . . a partial celebration for the completion of the season, and a partial party to celebrate the departure of our crew. such an odd lot. . . a group of people whom, if i knew outside of work, i would probably get along with exceedingly well. . . but in this situation. . . well, i've rarely been driven this crazy ever.

i remember, several years ago, when going through a rough patch, i was on the phone with fehd. . . one of my prized mentors. he asked this question, 'are you a lifer?'. . .. meaning, would i stay in theatre my whole life. it never occured to me to do anything else. and since then, there have been times when i've thought that maybe something else would be easier, more lucrative, less stressful. . . . but i know, within myself. . . that this is one of the few things that makes sense in my life. even when i've gone without sleep, food, laundry, relaxation. . . . when i'm in the midst of all this, mid-process, and during performance. . . i feel so balanced in a way. my getting out of bed has real purpose. so many of my friends are no longer in theatre. . . and even in my worst days of grad school, i never thought i'd leave theatre, i just knew i didn't want the be at THAT theatre. and this summer, the slightest inkling crept into my mind. . . . . maybe NOT this. . . .maybe something, anything less frustrating. i blamed the crew for this. . . . for this second guessing, and misalignment in my balance. i think i try to work hard, and always take pride in what i do. . . . and i just don't know why this kids were here. thier lack of stamina, pride, awareness, tenacity, focus, drive,. . . and most of all CONSISTANCY. . . was completely infuriating. . . and i found it offensive. . . personally. really. . . why should i bother to work so hard when they are able to work at the same establishment and just coast through?

. . . anyway, yeah, it was a rough summer. and now i'm bothered by something else a great mentor (kevin gallagher) told me. . . after listening to another classmate complain about their crew, i raved about mine. . . and kevin told me that i had good crews in part because of my own work ethic. i lead by example. and i have had GREAT crews. . . . with an occasional dud. . . but nothing like this. does that then mean that i carry some of the blame for this season going so poorly? had i tried to block my feelings a little more, and sucked it up. . . would the crew have done better? i fixed anything physical that they broke or couldn't repair themselves. . . . i actually worked really hard, and long hours. . . . is their a way i could've adjusted my attitude? half way through i lowered my expectations. . . and that way i was less disappointed. . . but not less bitter. i don't know. . . . and i'm not sure where i'm going with this. . . .

season over. guess i'll move on. . .but not from theatre. . . there were little sparks during the summer. . . enough to keep me going i suppose. one of the designers personally thanked me during an 'end of the evening' meeting for completing a set of lanterns that were thrown into the show last minute. . . but ended up being really well liked by the entire production team. and a few choice moments backstage when, during this one particular aria. . . the voice of the counter tenor just brought me to tears. . . i had no idea what he was singing about. . . but the pure emotion in his voice shook me, and i remembered that this whole thing is so much bigger than my problems. it has the power to really move people.

yeah. . . . enough of that for now. still got work to do. and soon enough i'll be working in the scene shop again, on a fairly regular schedule. . . with weekends, movie nights, predetermined laundry nights, premade lunches, and a workout routine. ahhhh. . . . can't wait.