i took one of the apprentices to the airport this year. i got this message before i went to pick him up. he had been teary eyed all day, and before he got on the plane i snuck a package of tissues into his hard hat which he was going to carry on board since it didn't fit into his luggage. then we exchanged texts before he boarded. - sometimes it's the silly little things that make the hard days pass more easily.
9.04.2007
7.26.2007
simple logic
i've been told recently that i have poor time management skills, and i lack in leadership. sounds to me like being a Master Electrician might not be the best idea. but just in case, here's an equation.
i always sucked at algebra, for the most part. but i was REALLY good at truth/ logic tables. all the kids that were good at the rest of algebra had to struggle through the truth tables and i never understood that.
the treasure map
the light up treasure map we made as a gift for the prop tart queen in honor of her coronation.
some guitar hero
one of our first weeks as a complete group. travis on the guitar hero, and in the back, charlie on his wireless playing against travis through the window.
7.25.2007
wtf, where is my wu wei?
aka: a rationalization on why it’s ok for me to not return to calarts. . .
(from wikipedia)
Wu wei (Traditional Chinese characters: 無為 Simplified Chinese characters: 无为) is an important tenet of Taoism that involves knowing when to act and when not to act. Wu may be translated as not have; Wei may be translated as do, act, serve as, govern. The literal meaning of Wu Wei is "without action" and is often included in the paradox wei wu wei : "action without action" or "effortless doing". The practice of wu wei and the efficacy of wei wu wei are fundamental tenets in Chinese thought and have been mostly emphasized by the Taoist school. The aim of wu wei is to achieve a state of perfect equilibrium, or alignment with the Tao, and, as a result, obtain an irresistible form of "soft and invisible" power.
what was i thinking? i so rarely fight to get where i am. not that i don’t work hard, but somehow being in a place works out for me. there are always minor strifes, but i rarely feel like i’m not where i should be.
sorry, not making much sense here. . .
when i think back about how hard it was for me to leave santa fe and move to southern california, i really question my actions. i was so excited about the prospect of a new job, and the prestige of what i thought that job was, and the idea of being wanted that i think i was blinded to all the problems. i so desperately wanted it to work out.
-the week i interviewed for the job i was in the midst of end of season clean up and concerts at the opera. the clean up is usually laid back, but the concerts are always fraught with frustrations.
-a few days before i flew out for the interview my grandpa attempted suicide.
-the week i accepted the job i hospitalized myself with an anxiety attack and heart palpitations.
-i didn’t have a solid place to live when i got to valencia, so i stayed in a hotel for the first month and a half!
-my brother had to find a storage and unload the truck alone since my first week was already jam packed for me. . . he didn’t even get to see the school till he visited later.
-the office i was to inherit was a complete DUMP. i didn’t get to clean for a couple of weeks, but i found partially eaten fast food all over, and 9 ashtrays.
-i was first told that i would be ushered into the job with the assistance of the interim person for 5 weeks. when i got there it was changed to two weeks (still adequate), but the second week the guy never showed up due to illness.
-nothing that anyone else really wants to know, but i had diarrhea for the first two months i was there. . . unreal.
-the one person i wanted to live with accepted a job on a cruise ship the day we were going to look for apartments.
-the next week, i found a great room with a couple of guys that seemed really nice and laid back. everything seemed all set, i packed my car that weekend to move in and called to confirm that someone was there to meet me, at which point the landlord backed out on me.
-when i finally did find a room to rent, it was with decent enough people, but not anyone i have much in common with. (not that it matters too much, i was almost never home.)
-my grandpa moved in with my aunt and uncle downstate and started receiving better treatment. . . but then my uncle found out he had hodgkin's lymphoma and needed to start chemo treatments.
-then my aunt had some sort of breakdown due to some of her medications that sent her into a bizarre amnesia thing (while driving my cousin home.) in other words, being far away from my family while there were so many issues popping up was difficult.
-personally, i had benefits, but never had time to use them. . . no doctor visits, no check ups. . . then i hurt my back. . .
i kind of had this idea/ ideal that i would be able to get a place, have a decent work schedule, have a decent work out routine, there would be time for a social life, and maybe i could get a dog or something.
*pop*
that would be the bubble of my hopes and dreams busting.
only toward my last month there did i really start to realize how many interesting things i was surrounded by, just living near la. but i barely had a chance to see any of it, and getting to it with a friend or two was such a hassle sometimes. . . . yeah, that would be a reference to the terrible la traffic.
there have to be cool things happening all the time there. . . there’s 11 million people, they need their rec. time. . . but maybe that’s why places like santa fe intrigue me so much. when something cool happens, it’s a big deal, and seems like a big deal. all the cool stuff i did while in la i could’ve done as a tourist during a week’s vacation.
i was always swamped with work, always tired and beat up. i understand that most shrinks define a good relationship as being 80% good and 20% difficult. i was in a bad relationship with my job there. it was at least 70% rocky.
i feel like i was constantly fighting upstream, . . . carrying an elephant up the stairs. . . . and i was getting no where fast. others told me i was making changes. . . but i didn’t feel it enough for myself. i really missed being part of a close knit team. there was a production team, but i really like having a team of my own, one that goes through the paces of the day alongside me. . . not just on the skirt hem of me. . . not just passing in the hallways and sharing elevator rides with me.
it should have been simpler. . . all of it. it should have fit together more easily. . . my life lacked lube.
i lost the wu wei.
(from wikipedia)
Wu wei (Traditional Chinese characters: 無為 Simplified Chinese characters: 无为) is an important tenet of Taoism that involves knowing when to act and when not to act. Wu may be translated as not have; Wei may be translated as do, act, serve as, govern. The literal meaning of Wu Wei is "without action" and is often included in the paradox wei wu wei : "action without action" or "effortless doing". The practice of wu wei and the efficacy of wei wu wei are fundamental tenets in Chinese thought and have been mostly emphasized by the Taoist school. The aim of wu wei is to achieve a state of perfect equilibrium, or alignment with the Tao, and, as a result, obtain an irresistible form of "soft and invisible" power.
what was i thinking? i so rarely fight to get where i am. not that i don’t work hard, but somehow being in a place works out for me. there are always minor strifes, but i rarely feel like i’m not where i should be.
sorry, not making much sense here. . .
when i think back about how hard it was for me to leave santa fe and move to southern california, i really question my actions. i was so excited about the prospect of a new job, and the prestige of what i thought that job was, and the idea of being wanted that i think i was blinded to all the problems. i so desperately wanted it to work out.
-the week i interviewed for the job i was in the midst of end of season clean up and concerts at the opera. the clean up is usually laid back, but the concerts are always fraught with frustrations.
-a few days before i flew out for the interview my grandpa attempted suicide.
-the week i accepted the job i hospitalized myself with an anxiety attack and heart palpitations.
-i didn’t have a solid place to live when i got to valencia, so i stayed in a hotel for the first month and a half!
-my brother had to find a storage and unload the truck alone since my first week was already jam packed for me. . . he didn’t even get to see the school till he visited later.
-the office i was to inherit was a complete DUMP. i didn’t get to clean for a couple of weeks, but i found partially eaten fast food all over, and 9 ashtrays.
-i was first told that i would be ushered into the job with the assistance of the interim person for 5 weeks. when i got there it was changed to two weeks (still adequate), but the second week the guy never showed up due to illness.
-nothing that anyone else really wants to know, but i had diarrhea for the first two months i was there. . . unreal.
-the one person i wanted to live with accepted a job on a cruise ship the day we were going to look for apartments.
-the next week, i found a great room with a couple of guys that seemed really nice and laid back. everything seemed all set, i packed my car that weekend to move in and called to confirm that someone was there to meet me, at which point the landlord backed out on me.
-when i finally did find a room to rent, it was with decent enough people, but not anyone i have much in common with. (not that it matters too much, i was almost never home.)
-my grandpa moved in with my aunt and uncle downstate and started receiving better treatment. . . but then my uncle found out he had hodgkin's lymphoma and needed to start chemo treatments.
-then my aunt had some sort of breakdown due to some of her medications that sent her into a bizarre amnesia thing (while driving my cousin home.) in other words, being far away from my family while there were so many issues popping up was difficult.
-personally, i had benefits, but never had time to use them. . . no doctor visits, no check ups. . . then i hurt my back. . .
i kind of had this idea/ ideal that i would be able to get a place, have a decent work schedule, have a decent work out routine, there would be time for a social life, and maybe i could get a dog or something.
*pop*
that would be the bubble of my hopes and dreams busting.
only toward my last month there did i really start to realize how many interesting things i was surrounded by, just living near la. but i barely had a chance to see any of it, and getting to it with a friend or two was such a hassle sometimes. . . . yeah, that would be a reference to the terrible la traffic.
there have to be cool things happening all the time there. . . there’s 11 million people, they need their rec. time. . . but maybe that’s why places like santa fe intrigue me so much. when something cool happens, it’s a big deal, and seems like a big deal. all the cool stuff i did while in la i could’ve done as a tourist during a week’s vacation.
i was always swamped with work, always tired and beat up. i understand that most shrinks define a good relationship as being 80% good and 20% difficult. i was in a bad relationship with my job there. it was at least 70% rocky.
i feel like i was constantly fighting upstream, . . . carrying an elephant up the stairs. . . . and i was getting no where fast. others told me i was making changes. . . but i didn’t feel it enough for myself. i really missed being part of a close knit team. there was a production team, but i really like having a team of my own, one that goes through the paces of the day alongside me. . . not just on the skirt hem of me. . . not just passing in the hallways and sharing elevator rides with me.
it should have been simpler. . . all of it. it should have fit together more easily. . . my life lacked lube.
i lost the wu wei.
7.19.2007
i quit. . .
. . . my job.
i left the calarts position. i’m kinda sick over it, but for the time being i have to think the decision was for the best.
i mulled over it for weeks. then the summer got bad. . . and i thought of how i would leave here, and within three days be doing the calarts job without a break in between. i would be horrible. tired, bitter, burnt out. . . filled with self doubt stirred up by events here.
not exactly a fair way to start a school year for a handful of new and returning students.
i feel bad for the students i got to know and like, and the staff that i got to know and like, but they deserve someone who will be strong and positive, and i don’t think i will have that in another month and a half.
currently i don’t have much time to be upset over the decision. . . maybe sometime in mid august i’ll get all weepy about it.
i left the calarts position. i’m kinda sick over it, but for the time being i have to think the decision was for the best.
i mulled over it for weeks. then the summer got bad. . . and i thought of how i would leave here, and within three days be doing the calarts job without a break in between. i would be horrible. tired, bitter, burnt out. . . filled with self doubt stirred up by events here.
not exactly a fair way to start a school year for a handful of new and returning students.
i feel bad for the students i got to know and like, and the staff that i got to know and like, but they deserve someone who will be strong and positive, and i don’t think i will have that in another month and a half.
currently i don’t have much time to be upset over the decision. . . maybe sometime in mid august i’ll get all weepy about it.
7.03.2007
surreal. . .
the work load this summer has been a little less than. . . i don’t want to jinx the whole thing. we are all working hard, long hours, and we’re all tired, but not quite to the extent that we have been in recent history. so we have a little time on our hands. . . or HAD a little time. not so much anymore.
i somehow have missed any and all chances to clean my car, but i did get a new haircut. there have been the usual bbq’s and such, but we even got to fit in an extra baseball game. granted this is all a few weeks ago now. presently we’ve opened our first two shows, been through the whole prop tart coronation and such, but i’ll get around to that in a bit.
we got out of work early and headed out for an afternoon in albuquerque, with a required trip to REI and another required stop at the talin market. about halfway to albuquerque we noticed something that looked like smoke trailing up from a hillside. there had been a few fires recently, so we figured it was along those lines. the trail of smoke increased a bit in size and we all started joking about how odd it would be for us to all experience driving alongside a tornado together. . . and then it became a little less than a joke. the funnel became rather pronounced and even though the sky hadn’t gone as dark and green as i’d seen before, there was a tornado about 15 miles from us. there was a carload of crew in front of us, and a carload behind us. the wind really started to pick up and there were so many cars stopping along the side of the road to watch that driving past them became hazardous. so we stopped too. we watched the tornado run and recede, and then sat through a hail storm that lasted about 20 minutes. we kept in contact with both our friends in front and our friends behind us. there was an accident behind us and a number of emergency vehicles sped passed while we waited out the hail. then we heard from our friends not more than a half mile behind us, that everyone there was being turned back to santa fe. the carload in front of us were almost in albuquerque. and we were in this bizarre no-man’s land. we started to press forward and there were no cars for several miles. we kept thinking one of the cops would pull up behind us and have us turn around, but then we came up on a spot where they had everyone on the other side of the highway stopped and were turning them back to albuquerque.
we squeaked by and met up with the lead group at REI. on our way out we heard that the other group would be allowed to pass through and we’d all meet up for the game. and no, i didn’t end up buying the bag that lit up on the interior when you broke the magnetic clasp. . . . but i thought about it for a really long time. and finding the place with bubble tea on the way out of the talin market was a great little surprise. we kept hearing that there would be another storm and we kept our eyes out. . . plenty of wind, but nothing too bad. when the sky finally cleared it was a great sunset.
the game was pretty great, and the ‘topes won, and who can resist a little pepperoni and green chile pizza. one would think, huh, quite and unusual day, but it hadn’t ended yet. you see, the combination of ballpark beer and silly two dollar bets can lead someone to do something that isn’t entirely thought through. a little harmless ballpark trespassing and suddenly you and everyone with you is watching your friend being led out of the park by security. so yeah. . . the whole tornado thing- quite bizarre, but trying to deal with unreasonable cops at the end of the night brings it to a whole new level.
i somehow have missed any and all chances to clean my car, but i did get a new haircut. there have been the usual bbq’s and such, but we even got to fit in an extra baseball game. granted this is all a few weeks ago now. presently we’ve opened our first two shows, been through the whole prop tart coronation and such, but i’ll get around to that in a bit.
we got out of work early and headed out for an afternoon in albuquerque, with a required trip to REI and another required stop at the talin market. about halfway to albuquerque we noticed something that looked like smoke trailing up from a hillside. there had been a few fires recently, so we figured it was along those lines. the trail of smoke increased a bit in size and we all started joking about how odd it would be for us to all experience driving alongside a tornado together. . . and then it became a little less than a joke. the funnel became rather pronounced and even though the sky hadn’t gone as dark and green as i’d seen before, there was a tornado about 15 miles from us. there was a carload of crew in front of us, and a carload behind us. the wind really started to pick up and there were so many cars stopping along the side of the road to watch that driving past them became hazardous. so we stopped too. we watched the tornado run and recede, and then sat through a hail storm that lasted about 20 minutes. we kept in contact with both our friends in front and our friends behind us. there was an accident behind us and a number of emergency vehicles sped passed while we waited out the hail. then we heard from our friends not more than a half mile behind us, that everyone there was being turned back to santa fe. the carload in front of us were almost in albuquerque. and we were in this bizarre no-man’s land. we started to press forward and there were no cars for several miles. we kept thinking one of the cops would pull up behind us and have us turn around, but then we came up on a spot where they had everyone on the other side of the highway stopped and were turning them back to albuquerque.
we squeaked by and met up with the lead group at REI. on our way out we heard that the other group would be allowed to pass through and we’d all meet up for the game. and no, i didn’t end up buying the bag that lit up on the interior when you broke the magnetic clasp. . . . but i thought about it for a really long time. and finding the place with bubble tea on the way out of the talin market was a great little surprise. we kept hearing that there would be another storm and we kept our eyes out. . . plenty of wind, but nothing too bad. when the sky finally cleared it was a great sunset.
the game was pretty great, and the ‘topes won, and who can resist a little pepperoni and green chile pizza. one would think, huh, quite and unusual day, but it hadn’t ended yet. you see, the combination of ballpark beer and silly two dollar bets can lead someone to do something that isn’t entirely thought through. a little harmless ballpark trespassing and suddenly you and everyone with you is watching your friend being led out of the park by security. so yeah. . . the whole tornado thing- quite bizarre, but trying to deal with unreasonable cops at the end of the night brings it to a whole new level.
6.17.2007
black hole.1
this is the black hole. it's in los alamos, nm. this guy named crazy ed runs it. he's really hard of hearing, but he's a fascinating individual. he collects all the stuff the los alamos labs toss. there are no prices on anything. so depending on the day, and his mood, and whether or not he wants to sell it at that time, you may get an out of this world deal. . . or completely shafted. he's also a bit of a conspiracy nut. but you'd have to be to get this collection started, i'd guess.
black hole.2
a quick survey of the landscape. . . one could easily get lost. . . or at least lose many hours here.
black hole.4
phil likes to keep really clean. . . as much as it looks like a joke, i think he'd actually like to own one of these.
black hole.8
this is kind of incredible. it's uhmw, cut way thin. . . and in the shape of an enormous cd label. i don't get it, but i kinda want it. . . but i have no reason, or place to keep it.
black hole.11
i would think that as an electrician. . . (ok, fake electrician) i would figure what some of this is. . . .but no.
black hole.14
now this, i would want, don't know what i'd do with it. . . . but it looks so friggin cool.
black hole.16
HA. . . and underneath some more junk, an altman 360! now that, i can assure you, is some crap not worth wasting your money on.
black hole.18
sometimes i wonder. . . other than making a cheesy 1950's sci fi film. . . who and why would people be coming to buy some of this stuff? ok, ok. . . it would make my room look REALLY cool to having blipping oscilloscopes all over the place. . .
black hole.19
here forrest demonstrates how he'd like to use this apparatus as a breakfast burrito transferal device.
some guitar hero
i was worried i wouldn't have a chance to play. . . but oh no! not only do we play, we duel. . . and here's charlie showing off his wireless guitar's range playing against travis through the window.
isotopes.1
part of the line up. . .. hmmm, one person seems to be having a good time, and the other doesn't. . . perhaps he just ran out of beer.
6.14.2007
week one. . . GO!
well, i left california and headed back to santa fe for another fun filled summer at the opera. i did get to see a bit of a calarts graduation, but i missed an art exhibit that sounded really cool. . . and a number of other things i thought would be fun to do while still in the LA area. but that whole packing and cleaning thing took over more time than expected. . . . as usual. one good thing. . . i got a trip into the chiropractor literally right before pulling out of town. - sure probably not the best idea. . . but it felt good.
the drive through the mojave was rough. . . too bright, too hot. . . and one moment of panic where i thought i wouldn’t make it to the next gas station. guess i should be thankful for that one pit of a stop area where they charge over $4 a gallon. . . . i guess i really am. definitely beats waiting for a gallon of gas escorted by AAA out in the middle of the desert in the middle of the day.
it’s been a kind of awkward start. not terribly so, but just not having at the opera from the very first set of electricians is weird. i was worried that i’d missed a lot of the bonding activities that we do in the first couple of weeks. but in my first week we fit in a trip to the ‘black hole,’ a bbq, and an isotopes baseball game.- oh yeah, and we worked. there are a number of new faces around, and katy’s been trying to fill me in on all the gossip that i missed in the past six months. i lasted a whole two days before my allergies surfaced. . . and when they did, they brought their power tools. the area had a lot more snow and rain, so there’s a lot more green and a lot more blooming. yipee. . .*a-choo!*
5.08.2007
tearing. . . torn. . .worn out. . . and cock.
i have a new friend. er, an old friend that’s kinda new. . . er. . . . well, a friend of mine from a while ago found me out here. he moved to LA back in august. he’s someone i know from santa fe, and it’s been fun catching up and hanging out. we had a rather eventful weekend. . . a movie night at a co-worker’s wicked apartment downtown. . . then an evening at redcat for the calarts spring dance show. . . and another evening in the theatre with another co-worker’s latest production. some good dinners, chit chat, and a lot of driving back and forth. . . and all while i really should be packing. now i’m worn out, and need to put in one more week of work, all while packing and getting ready to drive back to santa fe.
i’m getting a lot of guff from co-workers and students asking if i’ll be returning next year. i’d say that the pressure is on, but i’d be lying. i’m not feeling any pressure to make a decision. . . i’m feeling anxious about trying to get everything done in the next few days. . . which in part includes laying some plans for the next year. . . why not. . . . . and cleaning out my office and leaving some instructions for the next person in. . . because. . . well, why not. cover my ass. . . you know?
i’m trying to live completely in the present. . . but my emotions are being ruled by the weight of what has happened in the past, and the future seems so muddy, i can’t make heads or tails of it.
i get phone calls from co-workers already in santa fe. . . i get phone calls from people who aren’t yet in santa fe, but will be soon. . . i get calls from people in calarts. . . and now i get calls from people in LA who i used to know from santa fe. you know how there’s the mathematical theories of relativity. . . and then there’s the fact that when you are enjoying your time, it seems to run more quickly than if you are bored. what i’m saying is. . . it is not physically possible for me to be in many places at once, but i am so currently torn between places i’m having trouble keeping my head straight. i can barely deal with anything outside the immediate.
wake up.
take shower.
plan what clothes to pack for santa fe.
get dressed in clothes for today.
answer phone call from student.
check email.
answer email from santa fe co-worker.
drive to work at calarts.
clean desktop for possible new replacement.
go to chiropractor.
fall asleep on back stretcher.
back to work.
create list of work to do at the top of next year.
check out museum times for thursday or friday.
think about food to grill at party this week in pasadena.
clean part of the workshop.
plan to see shrek with friends in santa fe on sunday.
eat lunch.
remember to renew AAA membership.
from moment to moment i’m struggling with my current reality. i’m at a play near ucla. . . but in the program is a full page ad for the santa fe opera. there is someone at my side in LA that i know from santa fe, while i’m talking with a calarts co-worker in person and getting a text message from a santa fe co-worker who is driving to santa fe from florida. the few messages i get from my friend from kent who is now living in india nearly put me over the edge. . . (sarah, i miss you horribly, and i’m so sorry i have no chance to talk to you, please don’t take offense. . .i need a few less things in my life is all.)
no breathing time in between. i will leave here friday or saturday, and start work in santa fe on monday. if i were to return to calarts next semester, i would leave santa fe on a friday or saturday, and start on that monday in september.
do i want that?
no.
do i want what i thought the job would be?
yes.
do i want to attempt to fix it alone. . . and in not being able to do so, lower my standards of work even further than i have already?
or in other words, do i want to allow my co-dependant nature take on this broken relationship of a job in the hopes of ‘making it better?’
no.
am i scared that i will forget how much i disliked the work over the summer?
yes.
am i scared that i will romanticize the idea and the ideal of making this system something that can work?
yes.
do i fear that i will feel compelled to return out of a sense of duty to the two year contract?
yes.
do i fear that i will return simply because the students are so starved for some form of consistency?
yes.
do i think it’s fair to think that way?
no.
would i feel guilty leaving them?
yes.
which is worth more? their stability or mine?
. . . and what does it say about a job when everyone i talk to says, ‘we hope you come back, but we’d understand if you didn’t’
i feel today, pretty much the same way i felt about this job my first week. i’m rearranging deck chairs on the titanic. the only difference is that i’ve started to see beyond my bunker and i’m enticed by what’s around me (outside of the job), that and i’ve started to bond to people. even the new friend is faulting me for leaving so ‘soon.’ it’s so unfair. . . to care.
all the crappy life situations that i stewed in while getting here and starting out here. . . granted, they aren’t on the top list of global disasters. . . but i wouldn’t fault someone other than me a decent melt down had it been someone else’s life. all my actions violated the wu-wei. . . why did i continue to push?
three days. . . just three.
meanwhile. . . i’m getting text and voice messages from my friends in santa fe. the first of the lighting department showed up last week and everyone is wondering where i am. i’m horribly jealous of the people already there, and i can’t wait to head out. . . but in my waiting i’m getting great messages. . .
oh, and for translation sake. . . . the ‘cock’ and ‘secret ingredient’ stuff are both partial quotes from some favored tv shows. a handful of us all watched ‘sealab2021’. . . and the british ‘office.’ in one episode of sealab, the captain went nutty over losing his favorite easy bake oven. in it’s defense he says, “it makes real cupcakes with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. but the secret ingredient is love.. . dammit." so i’m constantly asked what the secret ingredient is. . . as for cock. . . well, watch the british ‘office.’ there’s this tool of a character who carries his cell phone in a shoulder strap. his co-worker constantly makes phone calls to him simply saying, ‘cock!’ and hanging up. so instead of wasting time with the ringing, the answering, and the speaking, we just text ‘cock’ to one another.
anyway, here’s the messages that make me smile while getting through my day here.
“. . . miss you though. it’s lonely without you. please hurry.”
“can’t wait to see you!”
“the secret ingredient is. . . cock!”
“but the secret ingredient is missing”
“i miss you so much.”
“that is sweet. oh yeah and. . . cock!”
i’m getting a lot of guff from co-workers and students asking if i’ll be returning next year. i’d say that the pressure is on, but i’d be lying. i’m not feeling any pressure to make a decision. . . i’m feeling anxious about trying to get everything done in the next few days. . . which in part includes laying some plans for the next year. . . why not. . . . . and cleaning out my office and leaving some instructions for the next person in. . . because. . . well, why not. cover my ass. . . you know?
i’m trying to live completely in the present. . . but my emotions are being ruled by the weight of what has happened in the past, and the future seems so muddy, i can’t make heads or tails of it.
i get phone calls from co-workers already in santa fe. . . i get phone calls from people who aren’t yet in santa fe, but will be soon. . . i get calls from people in calarts. . . and now i get calls from people in LA who i used to know from santa fe. you know how there’s the mathematical theories of relativity. . . and then there’s the fact that when you are enjoying your time, it seems to run more quickly than if you are bored. what i’m saying is. . . it is not physically possible for me to be in many places at once, but i am so currently torn between places i’m having trouble keeping my head straight. i can barely deal with anything outside the immediate.
wake up.
take shower.
plan what clothes to pack for santa fe.
get dressed in clothes for today.
answer phone call from student.
check email.
answer email from santa fe co-worker.
drive to work at calarts.
clean desktop for possible new replacement.
go to chiropractor.
fall asleep on back stretcher.
back to work.
create list of work to do at the top of next year.
check out museum times for thursday or friday.
think about food to grill at party this week in pasadena.
clean part of the workshop.
plan to see shrek with friends in santa fe on sunday.
eat lunch.
remember to renew AAA membership.
from moment to moment i’m struggling with my current reality. i’m at a play near ucla. . . but in the program is a full page ad for the santa fe opera. there is someone at my side in LA that i know from santa fe, while i’m talking with a calarts co-worker in person and getting a text message from a santa fe co-worker who is driving to santa fe from florida. the few messages i get from my friend from kent who is now living in india nearly put me over the edge. . . (sarah, i miss you horribly, and i’m so sorry i have no chance to talk to you, please don’t take offense. . .i need a few less things in my life is all.)
no breathing time in between. i will leave here friday or saturday, and start work in santa fe on monday. if i were to return to calarts next semester, i would leave santa fe on a friday or saturday, and start on that monday in september.
do i want that?
no.
do i want what i thought the job would be?
yes.
do i want to attempt to fix it alone. . . and in not being able to do so, lower my standards of work even further than i have already?
or in other words, do i want to allow my co-dependant nature take on this broken relationship of a job in the hopes of ‘making it better?’
no.
am i scared that i will forget how much i disliked the work over the summer?
yes.
am i scared that i will romanticize the idea and the ideal of making this system something that can work?
yes.
do i fear that i will feel compelled to return out of a sense of duty to the two year contract?
yes.
do i fear that i will return simply because the students are so starved for some form of consistency?
yes.
do i think it’s fair to think that way?
no.
would i feel guilty leaving them?
yes.
which is worth more? their stability or mine?
. . . and what does it say about a job when everyone i talk to says, ‘we hope you come back, but we’d understand if you didn’t’
i feel today, pretty much the same way i felt about this job my first week. i’m rearranging deck chairs on the titanic. the only difference is that i’ve started to see beyond my bunker and i’m enticed by what’s around me (outside of the job), that and i’ve started to bond to people. even the new friend is faulting me for leaving so ‘soon.’ it’s so unfair. . . to care.
all the crappy life situations that i stewed in while getting here and starting out here. . . granted, they aren’t on the top list of global disasters. . . but i wouldn’t fault someone other than me a decent melt down had it been someone else’s life. all my actions violated the wu-wei. . . why did i continue to push?
three days. . . just three.
meanwhile. . . i’m getting text and voice messages from my friends in santa fe. the first of the lighting department showed up last week and everyone is wondering where i am. i’m horribly jealous of the people already there, and i can’t wait to head out. . . but in my waiting i’m getting great messages. . .
oh, and for translation sake. . . . the ‘cock’ and ‘secret ingredient’ stuff are both partial quotes from some favored tv shows. a handful of us all watched ‘sealab2021’. . . and the british ‘office.’ in one episode of sealab, the captain went nutty over losing his favorite easy bake oven. in it’s defense he says, “it makes real cupcakes with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. but the secret ingredient is love.. . dammit." so i’m constantly asked what the secret ingredient is. . . as for cock. . . well, watch the british ‘office.’ there’s this tool of a character who carries his cell phone in a shoulder strap. his co-worker constantly makes phone calls to him simply saying, ‘cock!’ and hanging up. so instead of wasting time with the ringing, the answering, and the speaking, we just text ‘cock’ to one another.
anyway, here’s the messages that make me smile while getting through my day here.
“. . . miss you though. it’s lonely without you. please hurry.”
“can’t wait to see you!”
“the secret ingredient is. . . cock!”
“but the secret ingredient is missing”
“i miss you so much.”
“that is sweet. oh yeah and. . . cock!”
5.07.2007
errr. . . that's what i get
it’s a little after 1am. i had a really hard week, and to compensate i stayed in bed nearly all day saturday, and well. . . did very little today. so now, i’m wide awake, mind reeling. this week could turn out to be very interesting after the past week. i’d like to go into it, but i just don’t have the patience to write it all down now.
i’m going over possible conversations that might be had this week, conversations, arguments, throw-downs, you know, whatever. hey, if you’ve got nothing better to do, might as well work yourself into a tissy over things that may never occur, right? no time like the present to get upset about the hypothetical?. . . hmm, did i already use up that tranquilizer prescription? damn!
one of the more amusing and less job pending conversations goes a little something like this, . . . “hit it.”
(did i really just invoke tone lōc? *sigh* yeah, i did.)
but i digress. . .
eh hem. . . conversation.
-person approaches me to half-assedly apologize for something not going as planned.
-i brush off the apology and tell them that ‘as a co-dependant it’s in my nature to be accustomed to false hopes on a daily basis.’
-as said person attempts to insert a bit of empathy i then sarcastically interject that, ‘don’t worry, i’m only half kidding.’
-and then i follow up with a one- two- punch of, ‘and you know, there’s always of hint of truth in sarcasm.’. . . (with sarcasm.)
now, here’s my question. if i say that ‘there’s always a hint of truth in sarcasm,’ with sarcasm. . . does that mean that there’s only a quarter of a hint of truth in the subject matter at hand by saying that ‘there’s always of hint of truth in sarcasm,’ with sarcasm?
are you still there?
is there an algebraic equation that fits in here. i jumped from a full hint to a quarter hint because somehow i felt it would involve a square root or something. . . . half a hint didn’t seem exponential enough.
whatever the math, i think i can definitely conclude that the reader, upon finishing this passage, immediately feels better that their brain activity doesn’t bother them with this sort of triviality at 1:30am.
errr. . . brain. . . shut up!
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