the light up treasure map we made as a gift for the prop tart queen in honor of her coronation.
7.26.2007
some guitar hero
one of our first weeks as a complete group. travis on the guitar hero, and in the back, charlie on his wireless playing against travis through the window.
7.25.2007
wtf, where is my wu wei?
aka: a rationalization on why it’s ok for me to not return to calarts. . .
(from wikipedia)
Wu wei (Traditional Chinese characters: 無為 Simplified Chinese characters: 无为) is an important tenet of Taoism that involves knowing when to act and when not to act. Wu may be translated as not have; Wei may be translated as do, act, serve as, govern. The literal meaning of Wu Wei is "without action" and is often included in the paradox wei wu wei : "action without action" or "effortless doing". The practice of wu wei and the efficacy of wei wu wei are fundamental tenets in Chinese thought and have been mostly emphasized by the Taoist school. The aim of wu wei is to achieve a state of perfect equilibrium, or alignment with the Tao, and, as a result, obtain an irresistible form of "soft and invisible" power.
what was i thinking? i so rarely fight to get where i am. not that i don’t work hard, but somehow being in a place works out for me. there are always minor strifes, but i rarely feel like i’m not where i should be.
sorry, not making much sense here. . .
when i think back about how hard it was for me to leave santa fe and move to southern california, i really question my actions. i was so excited about the prospect of a new job, and the prestige of what i thought that job was, and the idea of being wanted that i think i was blinded to all the problems. i so desperately wanted it to work out.
-the week i interviewed for the job i was in the midst of end of season clean up and concerts at the opera. the clean up is usually laid back, but the concerts are always fraught with frustrations.
-a few days before i flew out for the interview my grandpa attempted suicide.
-the week i accepted the job i hospitalized myself with an anxiety attack and heart palpitations.
-i didn’t have a solid place to live when i got to valencia, so i stayed in a hotel for the first month and a half!
-my brother had to find a storage and unload the truck alone since my first week was already jam packed for me. . . he didn’t even get to see the school till he visited later.
-the office i was to inherit was a complete DUMP. i didn’t get to clean for a couple of weeks, but i found partially eaten fast food all over, and 9 ashtrays.
-i was first told that i would be ushered into the job with the assistance of the interim person for 5 weeks. when i got there it was changed to two weeks (still adequate), but the second week the guy never showed up due to illness.
-nothing that anyone else really wants to know, but i had diarrhea for the first two months i was there. . . unreal.
-the one person i wanted to live with accepted a job on a cruise ship the day we were going to look for apartments.
-the next week, i found a great room with a couple of guys that seemed really nice and laid back. everything seemed all set, i packed my car that weekend to move in and called to confirm that someone was there to meet me, at which point the landlord backed out on me.
-when i finally did find a room to rent, it was with decent enough people, but not anyone i have much in common with. (not that it matters too much, i was almost never home.)
-my grandpa moved in with my aunt and uncle downstate and started receiving better treatment. . . but then my uncle found out he had hodgkin's lymphoma and needed to start chemo treatments.
-then my aunt had some sort of breakdown due to some of her medications that sent her into a bizarre amnesia thing (while driving my cousin home.) in other words, being far away from my family while there were so many issues popping up was difficult.
-personally, i had benefits, but never had time to use them. . . no doctor visits, no check ups. . . then i hurt my back. . .
i kind of had this idea/ ideal that i would be able to get a place, have a decent work schedule, have a decent work out routine, there would be time for a social life, and maybe i could get a dog or something.
*pop*
that would be the bubble of my hopes and dreams busting.
only toward my last month there did i really start to realize how many interesting things i was surrounded by, just living near la. but i barely had a chance to see any of it, and getting to it with a friend or two was such a hassle sometimes. . . . yeah, that would be a reference to the terrible la traffic.
there have to be cool things happening all the time there. . . there’s 11 million people, they need their rec. time. . . but maybe that’s why places like santa fe intrigue me so much. when something cool happens, it’s a big deal, and seems like a big deal. all the cool stuff i did while in la i could’ve done as a tourist during a week’s vacation.
i was always swamped with work, always tired and beat up. i understand that most shrinks define a good relationship as being 80% good and 20% difficult. i was in a bad relationship with my job there. it was at least 70% rocky.
i feel like i was constantly fighting upstream, . . . carrying an elephant up the stairs. . . . and i was getting no where fast. others told me i was making changes. . . but i didn’t feel it enough for myself. i really missed being part of a close knit team. there was a production team, but i really like having a team of my own, one that goes through the paces of the day alongside me. . . not just on the skirt hem of me. . . not just passing in the hallways and sharing elevator rides with me.
it should have been simpler. . . all of it. it should have fit together more easily. . . my life lacked lube.
i lost the wu wei.
(from wikipedia)
Wu wei (Traditional Chinese characters: 無為 Simplified Chinese characters: 无为) is an important tenet of Taoism that involves knowing when to act and when not to act. Wu may be translated as not have; Wei may be translated as do, act, serve as, govern. The literal meaning of Wu Wei is "without action" and is often included in the paradox wei wu wei : "action without action" or "effortless doing". The practice of wu wei and the efficacy of wei wu wei are fundamental tenets in Chinese thought and have been mostly emphasized by the Taoist school. The aim of wu wei is to achieve a state of perfect equilibrium, or alignment with the Tao, and, as a result, obtain an irresistible form of "soft and invisible" power.
what was i thinking? i so rarely fight to get where i am. not that i don’t work hard, but somehow being in a place works out for me. there are always minor strifes, but i rarely feel like i’m not where i should be.
sorry, not making much sense here. . .
when i think back about how hard it was for me to leave santa fe and move to southern california, i really question my actions. i was so excited about the prospect of a new job, and the prestige of what i thought that job was, and the idea of being wanted that i think i was blinded to all the problems. i so desperately wanted it to work out.
-the week i interviewed for the job i was in the midst of end of season clean up and concerts at the opera. the clean up is usually laid back, but the concerts are always fraught with frustrations.
-a few days before i flew out for the interview my grandpa attempted suicide.
-the week i accepted the job i hospitalized myself with an anxiety attack and heart palpitations.
-i didn’t have a solid place to live when i got to valencia, so i stayed in a hotel for the first month and a half!
-my brother had to find a storage and unload the truck alone since my first week was already jam packed for me. . . he didn’t even get to see the school till he visited later.
-the office i was to inherit was a complete DUMP. i didn’t get to clean for a couple of weeks, but i found partially eaten fast food all over, and 9 ashtrays.
-i was first told that i would be ushered into the job with the assistance of the interim person for 5 weeks. when i got there it was changed to two weeks (still adequate), but the second week the guy never showed up due to illness.
-nothing that anyone else really wants to know, but i had diarrhea for the first two months i was there. . . unreal.
-the one person i wanted to live with accepted a job on a cruise ship the day we were going to look for apartments.
-the next week, i found a great room with a couple of guys that seemed really nice and laid back. everything seemed all set, i packed my car that weekend to move in and called to confirm that someone was there to meet me, at which point the landlord backed out on me.
-when i finally did find a room to rent, it was with decent enough people, but not anyone i have much in common with. (not that it matters too much, i was almost never home.)
-my grandpa moved in with my aunt and uncle downstate and started receiving better treatment. . . but then my uncle found out he had hodgkin's lymphoma and needed to start chemo treatments.
-then my aunt had some sort of breakdown due to some of her medications that sent her into a bizarre amnesia thing (while driving my cousin home.) in other words, being far away from my family while there were so many issues popping up was difficult.
-personally, i had benefits, but never had time to use them. . . no doctor visits, no check ups. . . then i hurt my back. . .
i kind of had this idea/ ideal that i would be able to get a place, have a decent work schedule, have a decent work out routine, there would be time for a social life, and maybe i could get a dog or something.
*pop*
that would be the bubble of my hopes and dreams busting.
only toward my last month there did i really start to realize how many interesting things i was surrounded by, just living near la. but i barely had a chance to see any of it, and getting to it with a friend or two was such a hassle sometimes. . . . yeah, that would be a reference to the terrible la traffic.
there have to be cool things happening all the time there. . . there’s 11 million people, they need their rec. time. . . but maybe that’s why places like santa fe intrigue me so much. when something cool happens, it’s a big deal, and seems like a big deal. all the cool stuff i did while in la i could’ve done as a tourist during a week’s vacation.
i was always swamped with work, always tired and beat up. i understand that most shrinks define a good relationship as being 80% good and 20% difficult. i was in a bad relationship with my job there. it was at least 70% rocky.
i feel like i was constantly fighting upstream, . . . carrying an elephant up the stairs. . . . and i was getting no where fast. others told me i was making changes. . . but i didn’t feel it enough for myself. i really missed being part of a close knit team. there was a production team, but i really like having a team of my own, one that goes through the paces of the day alongside me. . . not just on the skirt hem of me. . . not just passing in the hallways and sharing elevator rides with me.
it should have been simpler. . . all of it. it should have fit together more easily. . . my life lacked lube.
i lost the wu wei.
7.19.2007
i quit. . .
. . . my job.
i left the calarts position. i’m kinda sick over it, but for the time being i have to think the decision was for the best.
i mulled over it for weeks. then the summer got bad. . . and i thought of how i would leave here, and within three days be doing the calarts job without a break in between. i would be horrible. tired, bitter, burnt out. . . filled with self doubt stirred up by events here.
not exactly a fair way to start a school year for a handful of new and returning students.
i feel bad for the students i got to know and like, and the staff that i got to know and like, but they deserve someone who will be strong and positive, and i don’t think i will have that in another month and a half.
currently i don’t have much time to be upset over the decision. . . maybe sometime in mid august i’ll get all weepy about it.
i left the calarts position. i’m kinda sick over it, but for the time being i have to think the decision was for the best.
i mulled over it for weeks. then the summer got bad. . . and i thought of how i would leave here, and within three days be doing the calarts job without a break in between. i would be horrible. tired, bitter, burnt out. . . filled with self doubt stirred up by events here.
not exactly a fair way to start a school year for a handful of new and returning students.
i feel bad for the students i got to know and like, and the staff that i got to know and like, but they deserve someone who will be strong and positive, and i don’t think i will have that in another month and a half.
currently i don’t have much time to be upset over the decision. . . maybe sometime in mid august i’ll get all weepy about it.
7.03.2007
surreal. . .
the work load this summer has been a little less than. . . i don’t want to jinx the whole thing. we are all working hard, long hours, and we’re all tired, but not quite to the extent that we have been in recent history. so we have a little time on our hands. . . or HAD a little time. not so much anymore.
i somehow have missed any and all chances to clean my car, but i did get a new haircut. there have been the usual bbq’s and such, but we even got to fit in an extra baseball game. granted this is all a few weeks ago now. presently we’ve opened our first two shows, been through the whole prop tart coronation and such, but i’ll get around to that in a bit.
we got out of work early and headed out for an afternoon in albuquerque, with a required trip to REI and another required stop at the talin market. about halfway to albuquerque we noticed something that looked like smoke trailing up from a hillside. there had been a few fires recently, so we figured it was along those lines. the trail of smoke increased a bit in size and we all started joking about how odd it would be for us to all experience driving alongside a tornado together. . . and then it became a little less than a joke. the funnel became rather pronounced and even though the sky hadn’t gone as dark and green as i’d seen before, there was a tornado about 15 miles from us. there was a carload of crew in front of us, and a carload behind us. the wind really started to pick up and there were so many cars stopping along the side of the road to watch that driving past them became hazardous. so we stopped too. we watched the tornado run and recede, and then sat through a hail storm that lasted about 20 minutes. we kept in contact with both our friends in front and our friends behind us. there was an accident behind us and a number of emergency vehicles sped passed while we waited out the hail. then we heard from our friends not more than a half mile behind us, that everyone there was being turned back to santa fe. the carload in front of us were almost in albuquerque. and we were in this bizarre no-man’s land. we started to press forward and there were no cars for several miles. we kept thinking one of the cops would pull up behind us and have us turn around, but then we came up on a spot where they had everyone on the other side of the highway stopped and were turning them back to albuquerque.
we squeaked by and met up with the lead group at REI. on our way out we heard that the other group would be allowed to pass through and we’d all meet up for the game. and no, i didn’t end up buying the bag that lit up on the interior when you broke the magnetic clasp. . . . but i thought about it for a really long time. and finding the place with bubble tea on the way out of the talin market was a great little surprise. we kept hearing that there would be another storm and we kept our eyes out. . . plenty of wind, but nothing too bad. when the sky finally cleared it was a great sunset.
the game was pretty great, and the ‘topes won, and who can resist a little pepperoni and green chile pizza. one would think, huh, quite and unusual day, but it hadn’t ended yet. you see, the combination of ballpark beer and silly two dollar bets can lead someone to do something that isn’t entirely thought through. a little harmless ballpark trespassing and suddenly you and everyone with you is watching your friend being led out of the park by security. so yeah. . . the whole tornado thing- quite bizarre, but trying to deal with unreasonable cops at the end of the night brings it to a whole new level.
i somehow have missed any and all chances to clean my car, but i did get a new haircut. there have been the usual bbq’s and such, but we even got to fit in an extra baseball game. granted this is all a few weeks ago now. presently we’ve opened our first two shows, been through the whole prop tart coronation and such, but i’ll get around to that in a bit.
we got out of work early and headed out for an afternoon in albuquerque, with a required trip to REI and another required stop at the talin market. about halfway to albuquerque we noticed something that looked like smoke trailing up from a hillside. there had been a few fires recently, so we figured it was along those lines. the trail of smoke increased a bit in size and we all started joking about how odd it would be for us to all experience driving alongside a tornado together. . . and then it became a little less than a joke. the funnel became rather pronounced and even though the sky hadn’t gone as dark and green as i’d seen before, there was a tornado about 15 miles from us. there was a carload of crew in front of us, and a carload behind us. the wind really started to pick up and there were so many cars stopping along the side of the road to watch that driving past them became hazardous. so we stopped too. we watched the tornado run and recede, and then sat through a hail storm that lasted about 20 minutes. we kept in contact with both our friends in front and our friends behind us. there was an accident behind us and a number of emergency vehicles sped passed while we waited out the hail. then we heard from our friends not more than a half mile behind us, that everyone there was being turned back to santa fe. the carload in front of us were almost in albuquerque. and we were in this bizarre no-man’s land. we started to press forward and there were no cars for several miles. we kept thinking one of the cops would pull up behind us and have us turn around, but then we came up on a spot where they had everyone on the other side of the highway stopped and were turning them back to albuquerque.
we squeaked by and met up with the lead group at REI. on our way out we heard that the other group would be allowed to pass through and we’d all meet up for the game. and no, i didn’t end up buying the bag that lit up on the interior when you broke the magnetic clasp. . . . but i thought about it for a really long time. and finding the place with bubble tea on the way out of the talin market was a great little surprise. we kept hearing that there would be another storm and we kept our eyes out. . . plenty of wind, but nothing too bad. when the sky finally cleared it was a great sunset.
the game was pretty great, and the ‘topes won, and who can resist a little pepperoni and green chile pizza. one would think, huh, quite and unusual day, but it hadn’t ended yet. you see, the combination of ballpark beer and silly two dollar bets can lead someone to do something that isn’t entirely thought through. a little harmless ballpark trespassing and suddenly you and everyone with you is watching your friend being led out of the park by security. so yeah. . . the whole tornado thing- quite bizarre, but trying to deal with unreasonable cops at the end of the night brings it to a whole new level.
6.17.2007
black hole.1
this is the black hole. it's in los alamos, nm. this guy named crazy ed runs it. he's really hard of hearing, but he's a fascinating individual. he collects all the stuff the los alamos labs toss. there are no prices on anything. so depending on the day, and his mood, and whether or not he wants to sell it at that time, you may get an out of this world deal. . . or completely shafted. he's also a bit of a conspiracy nut. but you'd have to be to get this collection started, i'd guess.
black hole.2
a quick survey of the landscape. . . one could easily get lost. . . or at least lose many hours here.
black hole.4
phil likes to keep really clean. . . as much as it looks like a joke, i think he'd actually like to own one of these.
black hole.8
this is kind of incredible. it's uhmw, cut way thin. . . and in the shape of an enormous cd label. i don't get it, but i kinda want it. . . but i have no reason, or place to keep it.
black hole.11
i would think that as an electrician. . . (ok, fake electrician) i would figure what some of this is. . . .but no.
black hole.14
now this, i would want, don't know what i'd do with it. . . . but it looks so friggin cool.
black hole.16
HA. . . and underneath some more junk, an altman 360! now that, i can assure you, is some crap not worth wasting your money on.
black hole.18
sometimes i wonder. . . other than making a cheesy 1950's sci fi film. . . who and why would people be coming to buy some of this stuff? ok, ok. . . it would make my room look REALLY cool to having blipping oscilloscopes all over the place. . .
black hole.19
here forrest demonstrates how he'd like to use this apparatus as a breakfast burrito transferal device.
some guitar hero
i was worried i wouldn't have a chance to play. . . but oh no! not only do we play, we duel. . . and here's charlie showing off his wireless guitar's range playing against travis through the window.
isotopes.1
part of the line up. . .. hmmm, one person seems to be having a good time, and the other doesn't. . . perhaps he just ran out of beer.
6.14.2007
week one. . . GO!
well, i left california and headed back to santa fe for another fun filled summer at the opera. i did get to see a bit of a calarts graduation, but i missed an art exhibit that sounded really cool. . . and a number of other things i thought would be fun to do while still in the LA area. but that whole packing and cleaning thing took over more time than expected. . . . as usual. one good thing. . . i got a trip into the chiropractor literally right before pulling out of town. - sure probably not the best idea. . . but it felt good.
the drive through the mojave was rough. . . too bright, too hot. . . and one moment of panic where i thought i wouldn’t make it to the next gas station. guess i should be thankful for that one pit of a stop area where they charge over $4 a gallon. . . . i guess i really am. definitely beats waiting for a gallon of gas escorted by AAA out in the middle of the desert in the middle of the day.
it’s been a kind of awkward start. not terribly so, but just not having at the opera from the very first set of electricians is weird. i was worried that i’d missed a lot of the bonding activities that we do in the first couple of weeks. but in my first week we fit in a trip to the ‘black hole,’ a bbq, and an isotopes baseball game.- oh yeah, and we worked. there are a number of new faces around, and katy’s been trying to fill me in on all the gossip that i missed in the past six months. i lasted a whole two days before my allergies surfaced. . . and when they did, they brought their power tools. the area had a lot more snow and rain, so there’s a lot more green and a lot more blooming. yipee. . .*a-choo!*
5.08.2007
tearing. . . torn. . .worn out. . . and cock.
i have a new friend. er, an old friend that’s kinda new. . . er. . . . well, a friend of mine from a while ago found me out here. he moved to LA back in august. he’s someone i know from santa fe, and it’s been fun catching up and hanging out. we had a rather eventful weekend. . . a movie night at a co-worker’s wicked apartment downtown. . . then an evening at redcat for the calarts spring dance show. . . and another evening in the theatre with another co-worker’s latest production. some good dinners, chit chat, and a lot of driving back and forth. . . and all while i really should be packing. now i’m worn out, and need to put in one more week of work, all while packing and getting ready to drive back to santa fe.
i’m getting a lot of guff from co-workers and students asking if i’ll be returning next year. i’d say that the pressure is on, but i’d be lying. i’m not feeling any pressure to make a decision. . . i’m feeling anxious about trying to get everything done in the next few days. . . which in part includes laying some plans for the next year. . . why not. . . . . and cleaning out my office and leaving some instructions for the next person in. . . because. . . well, why not. cover my ass. . . you know?
i’m trying to live completely in the present. . . but my emotions are being ruled by the weight of what has happened in the past, and the future seems so muddy, i can’t make heads or tails of it.
i get phone calls from co-workers already in santa fe. . . i get phone calls from people who aren’t yet in santa fe, but will be soon. . . i get calls from people in calarts. . . and now i get calls from people in LA who i used to know from santa fe. you know how there’s the mathematical theories of relativity. . . and then there’s the fact that when you are enjoying your time, it seems to run more quickly than if you are bored. what i’m saying is. . . it is not physically possible for me to be in many places at once, but i am so currently torn between places i’m having trouble keeping my head straight. i can barely deal with anything outside the immediate.
wake up.
take shower.
plan what clothes to pack for santa fe.
get dressed in clothes for today.
answer phone call from student.
check email.
answer email from santa fe co-worker.
drive to work at calarts.
clean desktop for possible new replacement.
go to chiropractor.
fall asleep on back stretcher.
back to work.
create list of work to do at the top of next year.
check out museum times for thursday or friday.
think about food to grill at party this week in pasadena.
clean part of the workshop.
plan to see shrek with friends in santa fe on sunday.
eat lunch.
remember to renew AAA membership.
from moment to moment i’m struggling with my current reality. i’m at a play near ucla. . . but in the program is a full page ad for the santa fe opera. there is someone at my side in LA that i know from santa fe, while i’m talking with a calarts co-worker in person and getting a text message from a santa fe co-worker who is driving to santa fe from florida. the few messages i get from my friend from kent who is now living in india nearly put me over the edge. . . (sarah, i miss you horribly, and i’m so sorry i have no chance to talk to you, please don’t take offense. . .i need a few less things in my life is all.)
no breathing time in between. i will leave here friday or saturday, and start work in santa fe on monday. if i were to return to calarts next semester, i would leave santa fe on a friday or saturday, and start on that monday in september.
do i want that?
no.
do i want what i thought the job would be?
yes.
do i want to attempt to fix it alone. . . and in not being able to do so, lower my standards of work even further than i have already?
or in other words, do i want to allow my co-dependant nature take on this broken relationship of a job in the hopes of ‘making it better?’
no.
am i scared that i will forget how much i disliked the work over the summer?
yes.
am i scared that i will romanticize the idea and the ideal of making this system something that can work?
yes.
do i fear that i will feel compelled to return out of a sense of duty to the two year contract?
yes.
do i fear that i will return simply because the students are so starved for some form of consistency?
yes.
do i think it’s fair to think that way?
no.
would i feel guilty leaving them?
yes.
which is worth more? their stability or mine?
. . . and what does it say about a job when everyone i talk to says, ‘we hope you come back, but we’d understand if you didn’t’
i feel today, pretty much the same way i felt about this job my first week. i’m rearranging deck chairs on the titanic. the only difference is that i’ve started to see beyond my bunker and i’m enticed by what’s around me (outside of the job), that and i’ve started to bond to people. even the new friend is faulting me for leaving so ‘soon.’ it’s so unfair. . . to care.
all the crappy life situations that i stewed in while getting here and starting out here. . . granted, they aren’t on the top list of global disasters. . . but i wouldn’t fault someone other than me a decent melt down had it been someone else’s life. all my actions violated the wu-wei. . . why did i continue to push?
three days. . . just three.
meanwhile. . . i’m getting text and voice messages from my friends in santa fe. the first of the lighting department showed up last week and everyone is wondering where i am. i’m horribly jealous of the people already there, and i can’t wait to head out. . . but in my waiting i’m getting great messages. . .
oh, and for translation sake. . . . the ‘cock’ and ‘secret ingredient’ stuff are both partial quotes from some favored tv shows. a handful of us all watched ‘sealab2021’. . . and the british ‘office.’ in one episode of sealab, the captain went nutty over losing his favorite easy bake oven. in it’s defense he says, “it makes real cupcakes with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. but the secret ingredient is love.. . dammit." so i’m constantly asked what the secret ingredient is. . . as for cock. . . well, watch the british ‘office.’ there’s this tool of a character who carries his cell phone in a shoulder strap. his co-worker constantly makes phone calls to him simply saying, ‘cock!’ and hanging up. so instead of wasting time with the ringing, the answering, and the speaking, we just text ‘cock’ to one another.
anyway, here’s the messages that make me smile while getting through my day here.
“. . . miss you though. it’s lonely without you. please hurry.”
“can’t wait to see you!”
“the secret ingredient is. . . cock!”
“but the secret ingredient is missing”
“i miss you so much.”
“that is sweet. oh yeah and. . . cock!”
i’m getting a lot of guff from co-workers and students asking if i’ll be returning next year. i’d say that the pressure is on, but i’d be lying. i’m not feeling any pressure to make a decision. . . i’m feeling anxious about trying to get everything done in the next few days. . . which in part includes laying some plans for the next year. . . why not. . . . . and cleaning out my office and leaving some instructions for the next person in. . . because. . . well, why not. cover my ass. . . you know?
i’m trying to live completely in the present. . . but my emotions are being ruled by the weight of what has happened in the past, and the future seems so muddy, i can’t make heads or tails of it.
i get phone calls from co-workers already in santa fe. . . i get phone calls from people who aren’t yet in santa fe, but will be soon. . . i get calls from people in calarts. . . and now i get calls from people in LA who i used to know from santa fe. you know how there’s the mathematical theories of relativity. . . and then there’s the fact that when you are enjoying your time, it seems to run more quickly than if you are bored. what i’m saying is. . . it is not physically possible for me to be in many places at once, but i am so currently torn between places i’m having trouble keeping my head straight. i can barely deal with anything outside the immediate.
wake up.
take shower.
plan what clothes to pack for santa fe.
get dressed in clothes for today.
answer phone call from student.
check email.
answer email from santa fe co-worker.
drive to work at calarts.
clean desktop for possible new replacement.
go to chiropractor.
fall asleep on back stretcher.
back to work.
create list of work to do at the top of next year.
check out museum times for thursday or friday.
think about food to grill at party this week in pasadena.
clean part of the workshop.
plan to see shrek with friends in santa fe on sunday.
eat lunch.
remember to renew AAA membership.
from moment to moment i’m struggling with my current reality. i’m at a play near ucla. . . but in the program is a full page ad for the santa fe opera. there is someone at my side in LA that i know from santa fe, while i’m talking with a calarts co-worker in person and getting a text message from a santa fe co-worker who is driving to santa fe from florida. the few messages i get from my friend from kent who is now living in india nearly put me over the edge. . . (sarah, i miss you horribly, and i’m so sorry i have no chance to talk to you, please don’t take offense. . .i need a few less things in my life is all.)
no breathing time in between. i will leave here friday or saturday, and start work in santa fe on monday. if i were to return to calarts next semester, i would leave santa fe on a friday or saturday, and start on that monday in september.
do i want that?
no.
do i want what i thought the job would be?
yes.
do i want to attempt to fix it alone. . . and in not being able to do so, lower my standards of work even further than i have already?
or in other words, do i want to allow my co-dependant nature take on this broken relationship of a job in the hopes of ‘making it better?’
no.
am i scared that i will forget how much i disliked the work over the summer?
yes.
am i scared that i will romanticize the idea and the ideal of making this system something that can work?
yes.
do i fear that i will feel compelled to return out of a sense of duty to the two year contract?
yes.
do i fear that i will return simply because the students are so starved for some form of consistency?
yes.
do i think it’s fair to think that way?
no.
would i feel guilty leaving them?
yes.
which is worth more? their stability or mine?
. . . and what does it say about a job when everyone i talk to says, ‘we hope you come back, but we’d understand if you didn’t’
i feel today, pretty much the same way i felt about this job my first week. i’m rearranging deck chairs on the titanic. the only difference is that i’ve started to see beyond my bunker and i’m enticed by what’s around me (outside of the job), that and i’ve started to bond to people. even the new friend is faulting me for leaving so ‘soon.’ it’s so unfair. . . to care.
all the crappy life situations that i stewed in while getting here and starting out here. . . granted, they aren’t on the top list of global disasters. . . but i wouldn’t fault someone other than me a decent melt down had it been someone else’s life. all my actions violated the wu-wei. . . why did i continue to push?
three days. . . just three.
meanwhile. . . i’m getting text and voice messages from my friends in santa fe. the first of the lighting department showed up last week and everyone is wondering where i am. i’m horribly jealous of the people already there, and i can’t wait to head out. . . but in my waiting i’m getting great messages. . .
oh, and for translation sake. . . . the ‘cock’ and ‘secret ingredient’ stuff are both partial quotes from some favored tv shows. a handful of us all watched ‘sealab2021’. . . and the british ‘office.’ in one episode of sealab, the captain went nutty over losing his favorite easy bake oven. in it’s defense he says, “it makes real cupcakes with a 40 watt bulb, and there's icing packets. but the secret ingredient is love.. . dammit." so i’m constantly asked what the secret ingredient is. . . as for cock. . . well, watch the british ‘office.’ there’s this tool of a character who carries his cell phone in a shoulder strap. his co-worker constantly makes phone calls to him simply saying, ‘cock!’ and hanging up. so instead of wasting time with the ringing, the answering, and the speaking, we just text ‘cock’ to one another.
anyway, here’s the messages that make me smile while getting through my day here.
“. . . miss you though. it’s lonely without you. please hurry.”
“can’t wait to see you!”
“the secret ingredient is. . . cock!”
“but the secret ingredient is missing”
“i miss you so much.”
“that is sweet. oh yeah and. . . cock!”
5.07.2007
errr. . . that's what i get
it’s a little after 1am. i had a really hard week, and to compensate i stayed in bed nearly all day saturday, and well. . . did very little today. so now, i’m wide awake, mind reeling. this week could turn out to be very interesting after the past week. i’d like to go into it, but i just don’t have the patience to write it all down now.
i’m going over possible conversations that might be had this week, conversations, arguments, throw-downs, you know, whatever. hey, if you’ve got nothing better to do, might as well work yourself into a tissy over things that may never occur, right? no time like the present to get upset about the hypothetical?. . . hmm, did i already use up that tranquilizer prescription? damn!
one of the more amusing and less job pending conversations goes a little something like this, . . . “hit it.”
(did i really just invoke tone lōc? *sigh* yeah, i did.)
but i digress. . .
eh hem. . . conversation.
-person approaches me to half-assedly apologize for something not going as planned.
-i brush off the apology and tell them that ‘as a co-dependant it’s in my nature to be accustomed to false hopes on a daily basis.’
-as said person attempts to insert a bit of empathy i then sarcastically interject that, ‘don’t worry, i’m only half kidding.’
-and then i follow up with a one- two- punch of, ‘and you know, there’s always of hint of truth in sarcasm.’. . . (with sarcasm.)
now, here’s my question. if i say that ‘there’s always a hint of truth in sarcasm,’ with sarcasm. . . does that mean that there’s only a quarter of a hint of truth in the subject matter at hand by saying that ‘there’s always of hint of truth in sarcasm,’ with sarcasm?
are you still there?
is there an algebraic equation that fits in here. i jumped from a full hint to a quarter hint because somehow i felt it would involve a square root or something. . . . half a hint didn’t seem exponential enough.
whatever the math, i think i can definitely conclude that the reader, upon finishing this passage, immediately feels better that their brain activity doesn’t bother them with this sort of triviality at 1:30am.
errr. . . brain. . . shut up!
4.14.2007
that's not vertigo, it's just my boobs
this move, this job, this life thing is having an unusual effect on me.
-----
i’ve worn the same perfume for six years. .. . but suddenly i need to branch out, and try/ buy a handful of other ones. . . none of which seem to smell any good on me once i get them home, but i guess they make for adequate girly decoration in my room. and yes, for a while i worried about how i stack up compared to my current roommates. my one shampoo brand seems paltry to the four brands that don my roommate’s bathroom collection.
i remember my first month when i felt the need to get bedroom furniture, dressers, night stands, armoires. after realizing that i wouldn’t be here for too long, i settled with my fallback college crate racks. now i’m glad that i won’t have much to move when it comes time.
-----
my appetite has been all over the map. famished for days, or not hungry for days at a time, or even better. . . currently everything i eat tastes good for about six bites, then quickly it turns into the most disgusting thing i’ve ever tasted.
and let’s not forget the first month and a half where no matter what i ate i ended up with a horrible bout of the loosies. . . i’m glad that phase has passed.
-----
the subject matter of my dreams is rather obvious. i toggle between overly plush and indulgently stress relieving dreams, or a release of aggression that can only be matched by a summer block buster. i’ve played with puppies for hours on end, and more recently baby tiger and jaguar cubs- those little tikes have some teeth on them, but they are small, so if they rough house a little too much, you can still just swat them away, or so says the physical laws of my dream state.
i spent several hours both verbally and physically beating up a fictitious coworker. what’s great about an argument within a dream is that you can play out EVERY scenario, kind of like it’s on a video loop, but you get to keep trying out different endings. you can even go back and revisit your favorite ones. what’s bad about an argument in a dream is you wake up having spent hours steeped in extreme aggression right before going to work. . . . it’s a great set up for a day.
or you can make an unexpected trip to the great wall in china. . . . but somehow get lost in a cavern within a gift shop. . . and never get to walk along the outside of the wall. yeah, dreams can do that to you.
-----
i’d like to say that through it all i’ve been able to keep an optimistic, positive outlook. . . but that would be a GI-NORMOUS FUCKING LIE!
and that little thing inside my head that tells me when i should use my inside voice. . . yeah, that’s dead. . . or at least in a vegetative state.
-----
then i noticed the vertigo and thought i was in real trouble. my ability to perceive distance was wavering, especially while walking down stairs. awesome. . . maybe i’m headed for a stroke. as fitting as my dying in this theatre college building would be. . . and as great a point it would prove. . . . it’s really not what i want. so, a couple days of vertigo on the stairs, and a couple without. . . and then another day with. . . wtf?
why do i feel unsure of my feet on the stairs? why am i having an issue seeing the stairs? time for some research.
didn’t have to go too far. on a day when i had trouble with the stairs i changed my view point a bit by slouching. suddenly no problem. proper posture. . . problem, slouching. . no problem. dammit i’m an idiot.
along with my desire to find a new perfume, i’d been trying out a few different bra models. some of them pushed my boobs out a little further then i’m used to, rather annoying.
my depth perception is just fine, and i don’t have vertigo. . . my boobs were getting in the way. christ on a pogo stick. . . . honesty. . . .
3.31.2007
how to vacation, kissam style
my brother flew out this past sunday. we’ve both been working some pretty long and stressful months. i had ‘spring break’ and he had a lot of time off due to him. and since he didn’t get to see the are when he helped me move out here. . . why not spend some time in the greater LA area?
what you need to get started. . .
a sibling- check
a plan, or some semblance of a plan- check
a friend who knows the area much better than yourself- check
a camera for documentation of good times had- check
a car (you are in LA. . . hello!)- check
the plan included far too many things than could actually be accomplished in the time that existed. . .
a trip to vegas
the penn and teller show
disneyland
universal studios
venice beach
the getty
the getty villa
the science center
magic mountain
the arclight
a couple of movies
amoeba records
some good dinners
several hours of guitar hero
a walk through hollywood
griffith observatory
after sitting down with my brother and the friend that knows far more about the area than i did (that would be michael). . . we knocked the list down to an accomplishable amount.
sunday:
dan arrives, and we stop for a late lunch at dink’s- a good jewish deli in town. we also stopped at target, i forget what for. . . but we seemed to think it was necessary at the time. later that night a dinner at george’s bistro.
monday:
i had to go to work for a part day. dan had never seen the school, so it turned into a tour, of sorts. the hallways were really quiet, but we walked the parts that i knew best. then another meal at dink’s. . . the evening was dedicated to hanging out in hollywood. we got to grauman’s chinese theatre and saw a bunch of the handprints, footprints, and tourists. we walked around a bit and then headed to dinner at chandara. . . yummy thai food. michael had to break off, but dan and i spent some time at amoeba records, and then set out for the arclight movie theatre. dan hadn’t seen pan’s labyrinth yet, and the arclight is a pretty great set up.
tuesday:
first off, i should let you know that it was our intention to not get up early to start our day. the idea being that we both also wanted to relax. . . so none of our days really started much before noon. we needed to stop by the school and check my mail, since dan shipped my birthday present and it was somewhat integral to our vacation. the box was there.. . . but we were onto the getty museum. it seemed to become dan’s favorite early on. we got to see handful, but there is much more. one of those problems about getting up late. . . a lot of places aren’t open all night. but we saw a decent amount for that day, and we were headed out to the santa monica pier for dinner. we arrived just in time to watch the sunset over the water.
wednesday:
we started off by breaking open the box dan had shipped and then a few rounds of guitar hero. . . . hehe. then. . . well. . . we were off to disneyland. we started with an hour long wait to get onto space mountain. the lines gradually got better throughout the day, but we fit in the jungle cruise, pirates of the caribbean (ps, the new animatronic jack sparrow is kind of amazing), mr. toad’s wild ride, the haunted mansion, buzz lightyear’s astro blasters, star tours, indiana jones adventure, it’s a small world. . . and space mountain again. the new red hot chili peppers music is pretty fantastic. i kept trying to compare it to disneyworld. . . but i don’t remember enough. it seems like the park has been going through some serious updates. even tink’s been updated during the fireworks. she’s all fiber optics and glowing.
thursday:
some more guitar hero to start the morning. in order to guarantee a spot into the star wars exhibit at the science center, we had to buy tickets to an imax movie. michael joined us again, and we got tickets to the 3D sea movie. . . pretty great. it almost made me feel bad about the sushi dinner we would be having later that day. . . but not THAT bad. :)
turns out the star wars exhibit is the same one they had in boston. there were some great artifacts and videos. it didn’t seem as large as the lord of the rings exhibit. . . but there was an R2D2 centric robot theatre thing that made up for any other inadequacies. it would’ve been nice to see what else was in the science center. . . but i guess i’ll have to do that later. there was a lot of annoying school children around, and it was obvious that there was some fancy function being set up as we were leaving.
dinner was a mon’s. it was something i was working up to for dan, since it’s some of the best sushi i’ve ever had. i was looking to find something dan would be impressed with, since he has really good sushi in boston. at one point he took a bite of something and in a slightly surprised tone said, ‘that’s really good tuna.’. . . . and i feel vindicated. we did have a small star sighting as well. i guess he shows up to this place pretty often. fabio had dinner a few tables away from us.
friday:
we had left friday open when we made our original plans. there were so many things we could put into it, but after dan saw the getty, we made the getty villa a priority. the villa requires more planning, and when we checked earlier in the week, it seemed as if it was booked up. a quick check on thursday evening showed that some appointments opened. . . so we quickly booked ourselves. it’s a pretty phenomenal place out in malibu. we got to get closer to the ocean again. . . .and well, walking around a roman style villa, filled with courtyards, gardens, fountains, and roman/ greek/ etruscan antiquities is a rather lovely way to spend a day. (universal studios was our backup plan, but i think we lucked out in getting to the villa.) we then traveled up the coast a bit to this well known fish fry place called neptune’s net. and another sunset across the water.
dan and i headed home with the intention to see blades of glory, but it was all sold out. we’d been talking a lot about 300, and i made him watch a video i found that focused on the hawk-man character from flash gordon, which i think was the inspiration for king leonidas. so. . . . we saw the 300 again, laughing at how much the two characters were alike.
saturday:
dan and i geeked out on our computers, downloading gps points of our excursions, photos, and such. he hopped on his plane after we stopped for some quick pizza.
just note. . . it wasn’t ALL fun and games. after sleeping in a bit each morning, i spent a few hours multitasking. . . on the phone either contacting students who had left me messages the day before (problems with their show), contacting places to reserve times and tickets, holding phone interviews for perspective crew members this summer, more phone conversations with my boss in santa fe discussing all the recent phone interviews, laptop at the ready looking up resumes for perspective crew members, emailing notes from interviews, and getting directions for that day’s outting. by the time dan and i would leave i was already high strung. . . so i can’t say i found it disappointing that in most places i had very little cell service. though i did hold an interview during dinner at disneyland.
overall themes for the trip. . .
sleeping in a bit
great weather- or at least, the weather that i like
getting ushered out of every place we visited by security (that’s the drawback of starting your day later, places will close)
getty- we were there till it closed, and there were no sandwiches left at the bakery
disneyland- we were there till the park closed, of course they keep the shops open later (for our convenience- so they said). . . in other words, BUY OUR CRAP
science center- they were bringing down the separation gates while we finished our snack (guess we don’t get to see any more of the museum?)
villa- again, ushered out by security
never getting to see everything. . . but possibly getting to see as much as our brains could handle that day
gift shops- nearly every outting landed us in a gift shop while being ushered out
oh yeah, and guitar hero.
did i leave anything out dan?
hmmm. . . is it any surprise that the most productive thing i did today was go grocery shopping? didn’t even bother to shower. . .
i need to become more personally productive. i need to find a dentist, and a chiropractor. . . . maybe a masseuse. . . i need an exercise regiment. . . i miss having a life, friends and stuff.
do i really have to go back to work tomorrow?
already got a phone call about a problem. . . . and so it begins.
enjoy some pictures of our week below.
what you need to get started. . .
a sibling- check
a plan, or some semblance of a plan- check
a friend who knows the area much better than yourself- check
a camera for documentation of good times had- check
a car (you are in LA. . . hello!)- check
the plan included far too many things than could actually be accomplished in the time that existed. . .
a trip to vegas
the penn and teller show
disneyland
universal studios
venice beach
the getty
the getty villa
the science center
magic mountain
the arclight
a couple of movies
amoeba records
some good dinners
several hours of guitar hero
a walk through hollywood
griffith observatory
after sitting down with my brother and the friend that knows far more about the area than i did (that would be michael). . . we knocked the list down to an accomplishable amount.
sunday:
dan arrives, and we stop for a late lunch at dink’s- a good jewish deli in town. we also stopped at target, i forget what for. . . but we seemed to think it was necessary at the time. later that night a dinner at george’s bistro.
monday:
i had to go to work for a part day. dan had never seen the school, so it turned into a tour, of sorts. the hallways were really quiet, but we walked the parts that i knew best. then another meal at dink’s. . . the evening was dedicated to hanging out in hollywood. we got to grauman’s chinese theatre and saw a bunch of the handprints, footprints, and tourists. we walked around a bit and then headed to dinner at chandara. . . yummy thai food. michael had to break off, but dan and i spent some time at amoeba records, and then set out for the arclight movie theatre. dan hadn’t seen pan’s labyrinth yet, and the arclight is a pretty great set up.
tuesday:
first off, i should let you know that it was our intention to not get up early to start our day. the idea being that we both also wanted to relax. . . so none of our days really started much before noon. we needed to stop by the school and check my mail, since dan shipped my birthday present and it was somewhat integral to our vacation. the box was there.. . . but we were onto the getty museum. it seemed to become dan’s favorite early on. we got to see handful, but there is much more. one of those problems about getting up late. . . a lot of places aren’t open all night. but we saw a decent amount for that day, and we were headed out to the santa monica pier for dinner. we arrived just in time to watch the sunset over the water.
wednesday:
we started off by breaking open the box dan had shipped and then a few rounds of guitar hero. . . . hehe. then. . . well. . . we were off to disneyland. we started with an hour long wait to get onto space mountain. the lines gradually got better throughout the day, but we fit in the jungle cruise, pirates of the caribbean (ps, the new animatronic jack sparrow is kind of amazing), mr. toad’s wild ride, the haunted mansion, buzz lightyear’s astro blasters, star tours, indiana jones adventure, it’s a small world. . . and space mountain again. the new red hot chili peppers music is pretty fantastic. i kept trying to compare it to disneyworld. . . but i don’t remember enough. it seems like the park has been going through some serious updates. even tink’s been updated during the fireworks. she’s all fiber optics and glowing.
thursday:
some more guitar hero to start the morning. in order to guarantee a spot into the star wars exhibit at the science center, we had to buy tickets to an imax movie. michael joined us again, and we got tickets to the 3D sea movie. . . pretty great. it almost made me feel bad about the sushi dinner we would be having later that day. . . but not THAT bad. :)
turns out the star wars exhibit is the same one they had in boston. there were some great artifacts and videos. it didn’t seem as large as the lord of the rings exhibit. . . but there was an R2D2 centric robot theatre thing that made up for any other inadequacies. it would’ve been nice to see what else was in the science center. . . but i guess i’ll have to do that later. there was a lot of annoying school children around, and it was obvious that there was some fancy function being set up as we were leaving.
dinner was a mon’s. it was something i was working up to for dan, since it’s some of the best sushi i’ve ever had. i was looking to find something dan would be impressed with, since he has really good sushi in boston. at one point he took a bite of something and in a slightly surprised tone said, ‘that’s really good tuna.’. . . . and i feel vindicated. we did have a small star sighting as well. i guess he shows up to this place pretty often. fabio had dinner a few tables away from us.
friday:
we had left friday open when we made our original plans. there were so many things we could put into it, but after dan saw the getty, we made the getty villa a priority. the villa requires more planning, and when we checked earlier in the week, it seemed as if it was booked up. a quick check on thursday evening showed that some appointments opened. . . so we quickly booked ourselves. it’s a pretty phenomenal place out in malibu. we got to get closer to the ocean again. . . .and well, walking around a roman style villa, filled with courtyards, gardens, fountains, and roman/ greek/ etruscan antiquities is a rather lovely way to spend a day. (universal studios was our backup plan, but i think we lucked out in getting to the villa.) we then traveled up the coast a bit to this well known fish fry place called neptune’s net. and another sunset across the water.
dan and i headed home with the intention to see blades of glory, but it was all sold out. we’d been talking a lot about 300, and i made him watch a video i found that focused on the hawk-man character from flash gordon, which i think was the inspiration for king leonidas. so. . . . we saw the 300 again, laughing at how much the two characters were alike.
saturday:
dan and i geeked out on our computers, downloading gps points of our excursions, photos, and such. he hopped on his plane after we stopped for some quick pizza.
just note. . . it wasn’t ALL fun and games. after sleeping in a bit each morning, i spent a few hours multitasking. . . on the phone either contacting students who had left me messages the day before (problems with their show), contacting places to reserve times and tickets, holding phone interviews for perspective crew members this summer, more phone conversations with my boss in santa fe discussing all the recent phone interviews, laptop at the ready looking up resumes for perspective crew members, emailing notes from interviews, and getting directions for that day’s outting. by the time dan and i would leave i was already high strung. . . so i can’t say i found it disappointing that in most places i had very little cell service. though i did hold an interview during dinner at disneyland.
overall themes for the trip. . .
sleeping in a bit
great weather- or at least, the weather that i like
getting ushered out of every place we visited by security (that’s the drawback of starting your day later, places will close)
getty- we were there till it closed, and there were no sandwiches left at the bakery
disneyland- we were there till the park closed, of course they keep the shops open later (for our convenience- so they said). . . in other words, BUY OUR CRAP
science center- they were bringing down the separation gates while we finished our snack (guess we don’t get to see any more of the museum?)
villa- again, ushered out by security
never getting to see everything. . . but possibly getting to see as much as our brains could handle that day
gift shops- nearly every outting landed us in a gift shop while being ushered out
oh yeah, and guitar hero.
did i leave anything out dan?
hmmm. . . is it any surprise that the most productive thing i did today was go grocery shopping? didn’t even bother to shower. . .
i need to become more personally productive. i need to find a dentist, and a chiropractor. . . . maybe a masseuse. . . i need an exercise regiment. . . i miss having a life, friends and stuff.
do i really have to go back to work tomorrow?
already got a phone call about a problem. . . . and so it begins.
enjoy some pictures of our week below.
52 card pick up
there's always something interesting going on in the basement of the building. here's a spewing deck of cards trailing across the ceiling.
dan at getty
dan seemed to really like the getty. we could probably spend another couple of days there. we certainly didn't see everything in our afternoon. . . but we saw a lot.
fun with shadows
we had some great weather all week for outtings. and the sunlight lends itself to some shadow play. here with dan, michael, and myself in the getty garden.
santa monica sunset
we ended our day at the santa monica pier with a nice sunset and some mexican food.
disneyland castle
it's kinda funny. when dan and i initially started to plan out vacation, i mentioned disneyworld. i had been as an adult, but dan hadn't since he was about 7. . . totally forgetting that disneyland is just a bit away from me where i live now. so. . . we tacked it on to our wednesday afternoon and evening.
my brain hurts. . .
i tried to tell him. i tried to warn him, but since he hadn't done the 'small world' ride since he was a kid, he needed to do it again to remind himself of the horror. and, now he knows.
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