another. lame. week.

errrr

i’m tired.

i’m frustrated.

i’m frustrated with working hard and still coming up short.

i’m tired of feeling like i’m not doing a good job.

i’m tired of being frustrated.

i have an overhire person in to help with one of the shows. he’s a former student, so i feel slightly less embarrassed by the state of my office and the theatres. . . he’s already seen it this bad. and for now, that excuse is good enough.

it’s kind of nice having someone else around, and it’s boosted my energy slightly. . . but then i hear things like, ‘yeah, a bunch of us got an email asking to ME the school, but we weren’t going to answer that!’

. . . and i realize i’m the fool at the table that took the job no one else wanted. they all had the inside information that i didn’t have. and what’s worse is. . . mom warned me. but i was too excited at the prospect of ‘moving up’ that i pushed her advice aside. . . and here i am. . . the fool. had i stayed in santa fe. . . i’d be somewhat bored. . . but i’d have some friends i could hang around and work with, i’d have the doctors that i had just started seeing, id have a workout schedule, i’d have my chiropractor and acupuncturist- as well as the time to visit both. . . and possibly the ability and time to get a dog. i’d have a . . . what’s the word i’m looking for? . . . a ‘life.’

nope. . . instead i get late birthday cards and cards of encouragement from family that have me seeking the solitude of a bathroom stall to cry in. . . i don’t have time to call or write to thank them. and i’m in such a completely foul mood 24/7 that i’ve lost the ability to exchange pleasantries at any level. . . i wouldn’t want to talk to me.

aside from that somehow i’ve managed to avoid all the sickness around me. all the students and all my roommates have all been through several rounds of colds. . . i usually get two or three myself. . but none this year. i’ve also taken to drinking a nyquil nightcap before sleeping each night since about july . . . . wonder if there’s any correlation. wonder if there will be any long term liver damage?



down two pieces of life candy this week.

#1 ‘the show’ with zefrank ended. i liked watching it, and passing it onto other people. i wish i had the inclination/ time/ creativity to take part in his challenges and games more often- or even once. but now, it’s too late. his year long experiment ended, and now i’ll have to look for something else to download and giggle over.

#2 the penn jillette radio show ended. granted, it ended a week or two ago, but because i podcast it, i just got the news this week. it only makes me want to get to vegas even more. . . i need a jillette fix stat! guess internet video will have to hold me off.

up 1/2 piece of life candy. . . ?

at the end of the week i had a momentary lapse of fun. michael shot out for a late dinner and movie sort of thing as i skipped out of tech. i needed to see the 300 to find out what the big deal was.

it was pretty. . but SO over the top. . . .i had a hard time containing the giggles when the male chanting and hard rhythmic soundtrack broke out into a rob zombie/ pantera . . . duhn duhn- duhn duhn- duhn duhn- duhn duhn. . . riff as the SPARTANS! launched another assault. (i don’t think it will be possible to say or think SPARTANS! without capitalizing it and ending it with an exclamation mark.)

ps. . . if you, like me, were wondering who king leonidas reminds you of. . . look no further. it took me up until about the last 5 minutes of the movie to pinpoint it. . . but i’ve got it. i kept rummaging through overly masculine shakespearean characters and actors and such, and kept coming up short. . . till i grabbed it from the depths of the 80’s. remember ‘flash gordon’ with the queen soundtrack. remember the leader of the hawkmen. . . or whatever they were. real robust guy who was kind of an ass, but then came to fight the good fight in the end? yeah. . that’s the one. he and king leonidas are practically interchangeable.

having trouble remembering?

copy and paste this. . . it’s an annoying remix, but it will get the idea across. . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxaVxF1D0XM

gotta split. . . gnight.

today's anthem

here for now- ani difranco

i bet you're wondering
if you woke up today
just to learn why the caged bird sings
i bet you're wondering if the godesses are all crazy
or just keeping it interesting
situated slightly outside society
at odds with its odd offerings
i bet you're teetering on the edge of sobriety
just to alleviate a few things...
like the fear that you're standing here
cuz you want to be liked
you know you need your instrument
but does your instrument need to be miked?

you keep imagining
that pretty soon you will just disappear
and thinking that one thing
is what saves you from your fear of being here
here for now
here for now
here for now

i bet you're looking for the little red x
next to the red arrow
and the words 'you are here'
i bet you're hoping that your heart will send up
the white flag this time
or some sign that the coast is clear
yeah the moment when your heart jumps
it's all that's happening
and once again
it's like the first time you've felt that shock
yeah the moment when your heart jumps
it's all that's happening
and i was right behind the door when you knocked

thinking maybe i'm just standing here
cuz i want to be liked
i know i need my instrument
but does my instrument need to be miked?

i keep imagining
that pretty soon i will just disappear
and thinking that one thing
is what saves me from my fear of being here
here for now
here for now
here for now

cliches aside. . .

four tell tale signs you know you’ve been in the theatre building too long. . .

(from the barter years. . . )

when leaving the building to go home you approach your car extend your hand and attempt to shove your mag-lite into the keyhole only realizing after the *thud* that you aren’t holding your keys.

feeling an overwhelming sense of relief that there are 1) very few other drivers . . . 2) cops. . . 3) turns on main street after snoozing through two red lights on your 4am drive home.

nearly thwart your own attempt to hire an assistant by giving him stage directions (stage right equals a real left) from the freeway to his new residence and place of work. thankfully he was smarter than me :)

(and more recently. . . )

being filled with an immediate instantaneous sense of dread after realizing that you will have to touch up the light in front of you that was obviously focused horribly by another crew member to only realize half a heartbeat later that the light is supposed to look that way, because it’s a traffic light. . .

my brain hurts. . . .


as well as my back. . . and my feet. . . errrrrrr

some more smiling

i’ve been smiling a bit. . . granted not at work so much, but a little more often than usual. . .

friday i walked out of the building, with the sun still visible in the sky (the first time in about 2 months) and i walked out smiling. again, not because of anything at work, but some news that i got while i was at work.

several key elements have fallen into place in the past few days, making another summer in santa fe with friends and the opera completely possible. we were all waiting to hear about the final decisions of a few people. . . and they came in just as i had hoped. i’m so glad to be able to have another summer there, with a decent group of people. yes, hard work, but good friends and a good working environment. . . . i miss that. . . A LOT.

the next reason i’m smiling, my brother and i just started talking about doing a vacation thing together over my spring break. perhaps him getting to visit me and actually seeing more of the area than a rental truck and storage facility. and then, perhaps a detour. . . vegas perhaps? hmmmm? an evening with penn and teller perhaps? or seeing how many other friends we can get to show up for an impromptu trivial pursuit blow out? possible. . . . . . . . . . . pig. . . :)

i don’t think the new shoes hurt the situation any. i’ve been wanting a new pair of red keens. i ordered them online and was worried they wouldn’t fit and i’d have to send them back. . . blah blah blah. . . . they were a perfect fit. . and they are totally cute. i totally have a pair of work shoes, and play shoes now.

it’s nice to have something to look forward to. something that doesn’t immediately tighten the muscles in my shoulders and pinch my face into a wince.

i did have a performance review recently. i don’t think i totally knew that i was on a three month probation. . . i’m a little upset that i didn’t fail. only because maybe i’d be relieved of my position through failure. . . . but no. apparently i’m doing a stellar job. i wonder if my stellar performance will manifest a raise?. . . . or an assistant? HA. . . . what is this. . . a job or something?

ok, real quick again. . .

so, there was a three day weekend last week. i had to work on saturday, so it wasn’t so three day for me. . . . but i picked up an extra day by calling in sick on tuesday. dave, my boss from santa fe, currently up in san francisco- is leaving his current gig, and i wanted to hang out with a friend, so i drove on up.

i still really don’t like driving in cities, and san francisco has some added challenges. . . really jam packed, and sooooooo hilly! damn, it was tough. . . but i made it in and out ok- note to self- get brakes checked-. . . and i had a pretty good time running around and seeing things. mostly running distraction detail for dave, i think. anyway, here are some pictures.

maybe someday i’ll get a free minute or two to actually write a full post. . . and not just want to fall asleep.

from alzatraz

from alzatraz, originally uploaded by ekissam.

HA! finally got to alcatraz. here's a view looking back towards the city over the decrepit warden's house. . . i think.

down the catacombs

down the catacombs, originally uploaded by ekissam.

this area led to the shop, a museum type area, and an area where they showed a video about the island.

cell block

cell block, originally uploaded by ekissam.

i was kind of surprised that it wasn't bigger.

CD Street

CD Street, originally uploaded by ekissam.

i wonder if the color was always so pepto bismal-ly?

ghirardelli

ghirardelli, originally uploaded by ekissam.

couldn't pass up a chance to pick up a brownie. . . though i was kinda in the mood for a glass filled with their hot fudge, i didn't think they'd let me get it without the ice cream. . . and it was a little too chilly for the ice cream at the time.

window rooftop

window rooftop, originally uploaded by ekissam.

i dragged dave to my favorite place in san francisco. . . the library

dave and wall

dave and wall, originally uploaded by ekissam.

dave's checking out the card catalogue covered walls

san fran library

san fran library, originally uploaded by ekissam.

the back of the fiber optic wall. . . why do i LOVE this stuff so much?

the science section

the science section, originally uploaded by ekissam.

check it out, all the science writers all grouped together

japanese garden and dave

japanese garden and dave, originally uploaded by ekissam.

dave and i tried to find the japanese tea garden the first day, but we were cut short on time. . . so we tacked it on to my last day there.

overlooking japanese garden

overlooking japanese garden, originally uploaded by ekissam.

walking through the garden on our way to get some tea

bridge in the garden

bridge in the garden, originally uploaded by ekissam.

some serenity. . .

bridge in the garden

bridge in the garden, originally uploaded by ekissam.

some serenity. . .

how do i explain the socks?

so, the days and weeks have been long around here.

haven’t had much trouble getting to sleep, and actually, i’m really craving some time off, but i don’t think that i’ll be getting any soon.

anyway, one day last week i came home really tired. i started getting into my pj’s when i realized that i had left my phone all the way back at school in my office. and as hard as i tried, i realized i couldn’t make it through the night without my phone- i do use it as an alarm to wake up in the morning.

putting my pants back on wasn’t as bad as i thought. but then it came to my socks and shoes. wasn’t gonna put the sweaty socks back on, and i wasn’t going to put on a fresh pair of socks and dip them back into the sweaty shoes. . . what to do? i pulled out a pair of fluffy brightly striped comfy socks. . . and grabbed my flip flops.

so there i am, driving back to school in my work clothes and a pair of fluffy pink, purple, green, and blue striped socks, and a pair of pink flip flops.

does anyone else but me worry about the ramifications of dying in a fiery car crash- or any car accident really, on a regular basis? seriously. what would people think? what would the police report say? woman in black zip up sweat shirt, a pair of carpenter’s work pants, a set of wrenches attached to a belt loop, brightly rainbow colored fuzzy socks, and flip flops found dead at the scene.

would the appearance of the fuzzy socks sit in the minds of my friends and family as a lasting unsolved quirk in my passing? would they wonder where i was headed with such unappealing and unusual footwear? would i be buried with a new pair of fun colored fuzzy socks? would extraneous pairs show up on my tombstone on my birthday? would the site of fuzzy socks then make my mom all weepy?

does anyone else worry about this other than me?

anyhoo. . .

lucky for me, i was caught by a handful of students on my way out of the school. they commented on my socks, to which i told the quick story of the sweaty shoes and needing my phone, and then flip flopped back out to my car to go home.

no crash. . . all good, and an explanation existed in the world, should it be needed.

some pics

i’m kinda busy right now. though i have plenty to chew someone’s ear off with, i’m not finding the time or inertia to write. however, i did post a bunch of pictures to my flickr. . . so, i’ll share a few. they go all the way back to the end of the summer. . .

getty

getty
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

so, one of my last days in southern california before heading home for the holidays, i wanted to do something you can only do while in LA. so michael accompanied me to the getty. there's an overwhelming amount of artwork there. and lots of antique furniture that i wanted to open the drawers of. . . but the sunset we caught there that day was possibly the larger stand out.

getty 2

getty 2
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

the sunset caught in reflection.

getty 3

getty 3
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

yeah, not a bad view.

holiday 2

holiday 2
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

the neighborhood i'm living in, just north of LA, does quite a bit of decoration for the holidays. i did think the oversized christmas tree bulbs were kinda cute.

holiday

holiday
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

might their name be jones?

parking sign

parking sign
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

shortly after the props master at SFO was ordained, this lovely little sign appeared at his parking space.

glowdeo

glodeo
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

getting up and to albuquerque before dawn is not so much fun. but catching a couple of balloons warming up brightens my mood.

sunrise

sunrise
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

the day turned out to be kinda gray. but the sunrise over the sandia peaks was rather pretty.

breakfast

breakfast
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

what's the best way of passing the time and tolerating the bleh weather of balloon fiesta 2006? trying out the fiesta food. here katy and cara take in the oh so wonderful treat of tiny cinnabons in a cone. we were sad to not find the 'fried anything' booth.

line up

line up
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

nearly ready for take off all the balloons line up.

balloon fiesta 2006

balloon fiesta 2006
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

not all the balloons took off because of the weather. but there were a decent number still. definitely better than last year's cancelation.

nautical?

nautical?
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

the santa fe opera building, especially the roof, does tend to appear as rather nautical for standing in the middle of the high desert.

SFO

SFO
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

i still don't know for sure if these things are for wind reduction or sound reflection. but they make for an interesting silohuette shot.

SFO

SFO
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

a nice shot of the roof and wind thingies from steiren.

Zozobra 2006

Zozobra 2006
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

the firedancing at zozobra is interesting for maybe the first 10 minutes. . . then it just keeps going and going. . .

darin and michael

darin and michael
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

i dragged michael and darin out into the cold rain to watch zozobra with me. it probably wasn't till the fireworks and fire started that they started thinking, 'yeah, this is kinda weird, but kinda worth it.'

zozobra 2006

zozobra 2006
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

i always forget how long they draw out actually lighting zozobra on fire. but it's all worth it once it starts. this year i was worried that he wouldn't burn what with all the rain.

ping pong 1

ping pong 1
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

towards the end of the summer, we actually got through a full ping pong championship and held the final competition centerstage around midnight after and opera. as you can see, we took it fairly seriously with a number of instruments focused on each table.

ping pong 2

ping pong 2
Originally uploaded by ekissam.

a shot from the exhibition games that we held after the final competition.

holiday: a day on which one is exempt from work

*warning, post is long, and not very exciting*

i always bring work home with me, and i never get to all of it. knowing this, and knowing that my break would be filled with family business, i actually auditioned different bits of work to bring home with me. i weighed, measured, decided and made cuts before packing. yet unpacking back in california seemed an exercise in failure. here’s my calarts work- the crew i was supposed to call, the schedules i should’ve planned, etc., untouched. . . the sheet music i’d hoped to run through a couple of times. . . the second book i carried and didn’t crack (ha! i barely opened the first book! and yet, when given the opportunity to purchase a new and interesting book, i didn’t hesitate.). . . those ‘learn korean’ cd’s that i had to add to my ipod last minute. . .the belated christmas cards i was going to fill in and send. i got sick of seeing everything i didn’t get to, so i stopped unpacking. maybe i’ll finish sometime before i start loading in the first show of the semester this upcoming week.

it’s not like i indulged myself in my pj-wearing late sleeping slothdom. yes, i did get a chance to sleep in a bit. . . but each day was pretty full. it was hard to be on the move so much. especially since the moving didn’t start off so well. following the advice of a friend i showed up to the van nuys fly away. somewhere that i could park my car for a decent price and not worry about the downtown traffic. i even checked if he thought i’d need a reservation, since so many places required it. . . ‘oh, no, they have two huge facilities.’ so i drove up to the fly away, and they were full. errrr. i quickly made a phone call to another place that i had checked out earlier, and maneuvered my way to the address downtown LA. did i mention that a day earlier i had gotten dressed and packed and ready to go before i realized that i was a day ahead of myself? yeah, there’s that. so on the real day of my flight, i’m stuck trying to find a new place to park, and after being horrified by peoples’ stories of long lines at LAX, i planned to be overly early, and this switch in parking made me nervous.

the parking place was completely sketchy. it was being run by two guys who obviously wanted to be doing something else that day. they gave me bad directions, were unspecific, were running a shuttle that seemed less than kosher, and then took my key from me. there were a couple of other people parking there at they same time, and they were making similar facial expressions to my own. i left my car there with the definite feeling that it might not be there when i return, but i was going home, so at the time i was willing to deal with the repercussions later.

i got to the airport at 5:30pm, for my 10:30pm flight.

i was worried about the lines. the check in, security, and mob of people.

i was checked in and through security in 15 minutes.

i didn’t think they’d accept my luggage so soon, but it seemed to be no problem. the problem was in the fact that my flight was already delayed and hour.

LAX isn’t set up a nicely as some of the newer airports, where you can cruise between terminals and the mini malls they’ve created to keep people occupied and spending money while waiting for their flight. i had about 2 stores and 1 place to eat in my terminal area. since i’ve come close to missing a plane by falling asleep, i decided that wasn’t an option. i ate a bit, i walked a bit (and i really mean a little bit, just over and over again, the terminal was small), i read some, i listened to music some. in about four hours i checked the screens again, and the flight was delayed another hour. about a half hour before we were supposed to board i ran into the guy that had the calarts job before me. he was supposed to fly through denver, but got rerouted, through toronto. . . on my flight. we chatted a bit, but nothing too interesting.

and finally, we boarded. and directly before getting on the plane, i had to pee again. but i held it, since i’m so good at falling asleep on flights. . . usually. lucky me, not this time. i barely slept at all. and was uncomfortable the whole way. i’m sure i was annoying to the guy next to me. i had to readjust myself every ten minutes or so. i was annoying to myself!

i had already missed my connection in toronto, but getting another flight wasn’t bad, and i got into ottawa 2 hours later than expected. mom picked me up, we stopped home for 20 minutes, and headed to albany to pick up my brother, and then onto my aunt and uncles’ further downstate. we got in around 10pm. i’d been in a moving vehicle of some fashion for nearly 20 hours. i did sleep quite a bit while in the car. . . but it also might have been a little induced by the new allergy medicine, which didn’t read, ‘non-drowsy.’

why the allergy medicine? you ask. . . my parents, my brother, and both sets of my aunts and uncles own cats. which reminds me, i need to get a new puffer. nearly used it up this trip.

i was glad to be with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. it’s been quite a while since i’ve been able to visit them all. we had a couple decent family meals together. dan and i ran everyday errands with cousins, sat around watching south park episodes with them, planned dinners consisting of take out. it was really nice. now that they are all between ending highschool and mid college, there seems to be more that we can all do together. a group of us all went out for a sushi lunch, in which we forced the youngest of us to participate. her normal meals don’t stray too much from mac and cheese. . . so the cousins as well as the waiter all had a good time trying to explain all the goodness of sushi. i think she may have even enjoyed a bit of what was on the table. . . but considering all that she passed up, we all figured she must be going hungry till dinner.

it was good to see my grandpa in his new surroundings at my aunt and uncles’. one of the cats or the dog was doing a good job of making sure they had his attention on the regular. and being around for my uncle’s first chemo session was real important.

my uncle asked for a recording of a meditation he had read in a book. dan hooked up my and my cousin’s computer to do some vocal recording and my mom, with her speech training, did a reading. the whole process was met with all the normal computer problems anyone has when trying to put something together quickly, but dan made a full recording and put it to disc so my uncle could listen to it during the chemo treatment. i had mentioned from the beginning that we should put music behind it, but my uncle didn’t want the project to get too big, he just wanted a simple reading. but when has that ever stopped me from making a situation more complicated?

we gave him the reading the night before his treatment, and i brought a copy back to work on at night. i had to do some quick learning in a program i’d never opened. . . but i know how i wanted to work it. i picked some music from my mom’s collection, and layered in a second track and just adjusted the volume around mom’s reading.

it sounded pretty good, i think. having sat though tons of relaxing music through acupuncture treatments, i know how much i rely on it to relax. and i hoped he’d really get into it. after staying up late with it, i left a copy for my dad to bring along with him and my uncle and aunt that morning.

it seems to have gone over really well. dan and i were talking about trying to clean up the vocal track, since my internal mic picked up the whirl of my hard drive. . . but for now, i hope it’s helping him get through the treatments as he wanted. as for me, it’s the most creative thing i’ve done in months, and i loved picking the music and staying up adjusting the levels so the music was supportive to the meditation.

shortly after that we left to head home. we stayed about a day and a half. long enough to see some snow on the ground, long enough to open a few gifts, and long enough to make some chicken and peppers (a family recipe).

then it was off again, this time to boston with dan. we caught some dinner just as we hit boston. i had a hankering for chocolate cake, and the picture of the ‘chocolate tower’ looked good enough to share. little did i know, it was a WHOLE cake. no kidding, i’m pretty sure they took the duncan hines box and then made three small circular cakes out of it, and stacked them with a cement made of thick fudgey chocolate frosting. it looked like a cute small cake in the picture. . . it must have been from a distance. after sharing a bit, and taking four immense forkfuls myself, i declared defeat and brought the 7 pounds of leftover cake home.

dan had been pushing a new game my way. i doubted that i would find it interesting. i doubted guitar hero. i will not doubt again. and i will warn any other nay sayers to not knock it, until thou has tried it. it’s amazing how far a little manufactured praise can go. of course dan was playing everything on difficult levels, and i was playing all the songs on the easiest level possible. i knew i was hooked when i gleefully announced that i was going to head into a ‘career.’ i would be getting myself one currently, if i had any time to play it.

we all headed out for first night the next day. i doubt we got out of it the amount that a more seasoned first night family would get. we didn’t exactly know where to go, but we caught a couple of fun events, including the parade- by total chance. we thought it would be a good time to leave the hynes. . . and while we crossed the street we noticed people lining up for something. and one of the better ways to end an evening in boston? how about an irish theme bar and grill. and for dessert, ‘finale.’ REALLY good chocolate- keep in mind, there’s still 7 pounds of chocolate cake back in dan’s fridge. instead of heading out for the fireworks though, we got back to dan’s place just in time to catch them on tv. . . and play some more guitar hero.

the next morning was spent at the museum of science, where i caught another ‘bodies’ exhibit. i enjoyed comparing the german and the asian versions. each had some strengths. . . oh, and i hope my aunt and cousin got out to it as my cousin was headed back to school. really, both are fantastic exhibits. so awe inspiring. of course i wanted to do one more showing of the ‘electricity theatre’ but the ‘rents felt we needed to really get on the road. and yeah, i was kinda upset when after another six and a half hour ride, getting in around seven, we went to sergie’s for dinner. yeah, i like sergie’s, but i think i would’ve enjoyed the ‘electricity theatre’ more. and the weight of what i had to get back to fell on me. i didn’t get more than 5 bites into my pizza roll.

the next morning it was back into a plane, and then into my car- which miraculously hadn’t been stolen or stripped. (not that my car is really worth much, but you never know what someone else wants.) now i’m a couple of days away from a complex load in. i’m worried, but i’m not doing much to alleviate the worries. i don’t even want to face it. hopefully i’ll get over it by tomorrow, because i really need to accomplish something. hopefully that scratch in the back of my throat isn’t me getting sick right before the load in. hopefully this semester proves to me that this move was worth it- or perhaps, undeniably not worth it. and hopefully my uncle’s health is keeping up, i’d like to visit them all again without the underlining fear and worry.

well, back to unpacking my failures. if they aren’t in my bags anymore, does that mean i don’t have to carry them with me?

told you it was long.

hallelujahs abound

i’m online!

it’s been a long and rough road. . . all the way from last sunday when i left my hotel and moved into a rented room on the outskirts of santa clarita. yes, they had internet, but for the one desktop that is shared among a few friends. . . no wireless! so, i made it the whole week, and what a tough week it was. all the time wanting the chance to look up the name of that actor in that show i caught on the cable that i now have, but not having imdb.com at my beck and call. wanting to IM with a friend, since both of us have poor cell reception in our dwellings. . . but not being able to. . . . wanting to look into reservations for airport parking. . . and unable to. . . . . desiring to check the times for the getty museum. . . and being forced to wait till i was at work with a working internet source, which was sometimes 7 or 8 hours later! i tell you. . . mine is a rough life.

but after some serious conferencing with my brother and roommate, we got the wireless running. . . and now i’m in the predicament where i’m seriously trying to overload on my media. . and everything else too. the chat is running, the internet is up, i’m ripping some music, and downloading pictures, cable is in the background with some moderate channel surfing, my phone is running some text messages back and forth, dinner is being chewed, and i have to pee. . . . so many things to deal with and i can’t figure out how to do all at once, but i’m trying!

of course the morning started out a little oddly. i thought for sure that my flight back home was tonight. i got up this morning, did some laundry, packed and double checked all the restrictions for ‘international’ flights. . . (so silly, canada is closer for me to fly to, so i get to be an international traveler. . . hehe). i had a few errands to run so i set out to do them, and then head directly to the airport. . . but i then carefully checked my itinerary. . . ‘saturday flight.’ i had been a little worried that i had slept through a morning flight, but in fact, i was 24 hours ahead of schedule. no where to go today! silly erika. . . . silly. . . .

so when i get ready tomorrow morning, i actually need to unpack my bathroom items, and then repack them.

oh well. . . could be worse.

i did spend yesterday at the getty. figured i should do something LA related before i leave. i can’t wait to get back there, it certainly is pretty.

a couple of friends and i went out to dinner as well. . . and found the most amazing sushi place. i’ve never had sushi like it. it was seriously unbelievably good. . . so now i have a couple of places to show people should i ever get visitors. . . of course, that would require having free time, which i don’t see happening too soon in my future. well, other than this holiday break.

i can’t wait to get back home and spend time with my family. i missed my chance to get home at the end of the summer. and i really did ‘miss’ it. i’m not so sure that i’m looking forward to getting hit directly with the east coast winter. this whole sunny chilly weather out here is really nice. . . i wonder if my family would think less of me if i didn’t change from my comfy pj pants all week. . .

oh how i’ve missed this.

oh, and happy holidays everyone. . . safe travels and all that.

lopsided

i’m tired. . . really tired. my near month and a half here has been exhausting. the theatre classes have finished so i have some free space in my time to coordinate for myself. i can clean, organize, become familiar with my surroundings. . . all without students swarming at my heels. well, they are still around, but not as much, and i’m enjoying the breather. though i’m made nervous by my upcoming schedule. the organizing that MUST happen is going to be a handful. . . and i worry that i won’t have enough time or help.

i think that if i were a superstitious person, i wouldn’t be here now. i’m on my third attempt at housing. . . and here’s hoping that three is indeed the charm. i’m sick of hotel living, and so is my wallet. i moved into an extended stay hotel when i first got here, and stayed a month. but it’s pricey. . . so i moved to another place out in glendale last week. it had better cable. . . and that’s about it. it was 20 miles away, smaller room, slightly creepier, fewer creature comforts. . . i left it sunday, with the thought that i was meeting a to-be roommate with which i had a fantastic interview. i called to solidify, and was told that he needed more time to think about it. so i wasn’t homeless, but i was hotel-less. i had my car-full of items i’ve been living from. . . and took off for school for a bit. i ended up right back at the extended stay place i left. giving myself one more week to find a place. i had another interview today, and the girls are slightly desperate, the house is gorgeous, the conversation wasn’t quite as indepth as the last. . . but i think i’m willing to work with it. and like last sunday, i will pack my car and wait to see if i can move in. just long enough to sleep a few nights and take off back to ny for a break.

i feel like the world is working against me, and yet, no one else seems surprised by it. i get constant encouragement from both students and co-workers, ‘this is a tough year’ . . . ‘it takes a while to get used to this place’ . . . ‘don’t worry, it gets easier.’ and so on. and yet, i don’t actually see where it gets easier. the next semester is going to be painfully busy. . . something’s gotta give. even with the exhausting nature of it, i have trouble sleeping at night. i’ve gone through some horrible dreams. . . . theatrical mechanics crushing people, a long bit about a serial killer (well, the good hotel has bad cable, but one good channel-showtime, with the great new show ‘dexter.’ i LOVE this show, and i’m hooked- but it’s about serial killers, so maybe there’s my muse), and saddam hussein somehow made the mix.

i’m eating well. . . at least i think i am. my digestion’s been funny though. my friend who is now in her 5th month of living abroad in india would say i have the ‘loosies.’ at least i think that’s the term she used. everyone around me has come down with some kind of food poisoning. . . but i’m thinking it was a virus, since so many have had it, and yet, we all haven’t been eating the same food. lucky me. . . i seem to have it too. yeah, i know, just what everyone wants to read about. my bowel movements. . . what excitement. moving on. . . hehe. . . moving.

i miss my friends in santa fe. i got calls this past weekend about how to set up the christmas party. everyone had joked about how they wanted to ask me back to watch over the christmas party, and i liked the thought of that, but being here now, i know it would’ve been impossible to schedule. i don’t want to think i made the wrong decision coming here. i really like the idea and challenge of cleaning this place up, and making it a functioning, efficient beast. but i really wonder if it’s in my ability. dad wanted me to set parameters that i could follow if i felt too overwhelmed. . . to give me a clear path of when enough is enough. i still don’t have those. i had this feeling, bitter as it was, that if any of my good equipment was stolen, i would walk. my expensive and well used and loved amp clamp is missing. i’m pissed, but i’m still here. i’m giving it time to ‘show up.’

to add to the lame things in life, every single music listening device i have is lopsided. my headphones, my car stereo, and my little travel speakers for my ipod are all broken on one side. i replaced the headphones, the travel speakers aren’t a large issue. . . but my car stereo. . . errrrr. christ on a cracker!

losing the possibility of an apartment twice has been rough. i keep feeling like i have no grounding. i want somewhere to hang my proverbial hat. . . and my real hat. it’s been defeating. i’m not the most festive person around, but i did plan to make the traditional rumballs this year. i had planned that i would do that in my new apartment, it would be one of those, ‘here i am, . . . home’ /christening kind of things. and when i lost the more recent apartment, i lost the momentum to make the rumballs. and then monday hit. . . and i just decided i would make them in the hotel. and not only make them, but make a double dose. one for here, and one to send back to santa fe.

and i did. there may have been further incentive in a short jaunt for retail therapy. after all, i wasn’t going to dig through my storage unit for a spoon, mixing bowl, and measuring cup. . . oh no!. . . this required a trip to target. now, usually i use a roommate’s food processor or blender to pulverize the vanilla wafers to crumbs. this was one item that i wouldn’t buy just for the occasion, and the action was my biggest challenge. i figured i’d beat the wafers inside a plastic baggy with a large metal spoon. five minutes after trying that i realized it wouldn’t work. necessity is the mother of invention. . . and i shortly figured that i could crush the vanilla wafers by stepping on them. so there i was, in my hotel room, smashing vanilla wafers in a plastic baggy with my feet. calm down, it was totally sanitary! my feet never touched the food!. . . and the rumballs turned out well. they seemed to raise the spirits and blood alcohol level of my new coworkers sufficiently, and two tins are currently in route to santa fe. hope they get there soon.

oh, and i saw sissy spacek drop kid off at college.

i really hope to move into an apartment this sunday. i want the chance to change my profile on all my myspace type places so that they no longer say ‘santa fe’. . . i don’t want to have to explain why i don’t have a place to people i may run into while i’m home over the break. i just want to say, yeah, i moved to valencia. no lengthy explanation to follow. i want to have a week without apartment hunting. . . perhaps a week of present shopping instead? you know, a place to store my plants while i pack and leave for ny. especially the christmas cactus which began blooming a month ago.

water, electricity and puppies, oh my!

ok. i’m used to having dreams about work, nightmare as well. i started having a dream last night about work. it was about a show that would be done in a pool. -ok, i just did a show that had a pool this past summer. we were worried that it would include lights under water, but we lucked out. my dream was not as lucky. whomever was running the show wanted lights underwater. the pool was in bad condition. there were broken in pool lighting fixtures that were exposed to water, they would’ve electrified the pool had they been turned on. i started making an argument that the existing pool lighting needed fixing before i could run any new fixtures through it. . . hmmm, starting to sound like a metaphor huh?

anyway, turns out the show was a puppy show. . . underwater. gotta love those dreams.

a bunch of the ‘talent’ for the show started to show up. . . . PUPPIES! since no one was listening to me telling them to steer clear from turning on the power to the pool lights, all i could do was prep my cable to go into the pool, and play with the puppies. after a while, all i was doing was playing with the puppies.

yeah, it’s no secret to anyone that knows me that i enjoy a good distraction when under a good deal of stress. i still get my work done, but i like to slip some fun in while i’m at it. but what does it mean when my dreams are creating dream distractions for me. . . and ones so incredibly cliched as puppies.

i made a leap in coming here, and as dr. sam beckett would say, ‘oh boy.’


ps, i’m not so sure the link i placed earlier is working, so just in case. .. .

techies on tv, hopefully

technicians in the news!

so a handful of my friends are working out at centerstage in baltimore. a group of them live in this house on 34th street. they actually wrote a letter to the landlords to petition for the apartment. the reason being that the entire street does this light and christmas decoration show known as ‘the miracle on 34th street.’ my friends promised to make it worth their while to have them as tenants. so my friends did it up, and made it onto the news with a 30 foot tall christmas tree made of lights.

here’s the news footage!

techies on tv!

update . . . *sigh*

so, for those of you who haven’t been in the know., i got a new job, and i’ve moved to southern california. that’s the short of it.

leaving was really hard.

the scene shop threw a cookout up on the back deck. burgers, hot dogs, potato salad, carnivore smores, a deep fried pork tenderloin, and a nice goodbye cake. i even kept from crying all the way to the end. that was thursday. friday my brother flew into town. we had some green chile stew and chile rellenos from maria’s. . . my last new mexican food for a while. the next morning we cleaned out my apartment and packed the truck, then got the car put on a hitch. katy, my former roommate, met up with us for one more lunch before we headed out. dan was out for a little while this summer but missed going to the french pastry shop in the la fonda, so that was the place for lunch.

katy and i made a swift get away from the parking lot so we wouldn’t sit and cry too much.

by mid afternoon dan and i were on the road. we made a stop somewhere after flagstaff, az to sleep a bit. sadly we got up too late for the breakfast at the hotel. . . but i had a craving for cracker barrel, mmm biscuits and apple butter.

have i mentioned how fun driving a large truck with a hitch is? yeah, that’s because it’s not. although not being able to see what’s behind you, except through the mirrors, leads one to not care too much about all the people wanting to pass you. however, in our last leg in california we were on a two lane highway, and it was difficult to pass. on one turn i noticed a growing caravan behind me, so i pulled over to the side to let people pass. i ended up doing that three times with a total of about 42 fellow drivers who were stuck behind me.

dan and i got in around 8:30 pm on sunday night. (i’m staying at an extended stay hotel place till i’ve worked out a decent apartment.) i’ve gotten used to the schedule of new mexico. nothing open past 6 pm on a week day, and usually even earlier on a sunday. so i was a bit worried about getting some dinner and minimal supplies for the week getting in at 8:30. but this is california! we were able to get both some groceries as well as dinner, right across the street from the hotel. and being closer to the shore. . . how about sushi! and yet again, right across the street. fantastic. this time only for take out, but we hit it the next night too, mostly because dan saw that the sushi bar had one of those double conveyer belts, so the sushi travels past you. . . it’s wonderful. of course, later in the week a friend pointed out a sushi place that utilizes a moving moat and the sushi is put on small boats . . . so cute.

have i mentioned how incredible my brother is? well, for those in doubt, here is the proof. monday night i figured out that i needed to ditch the truck and all my stuff into a storage space. well, my schedule was hectic- but i’ll get to that later- so my brother found me a storage space nearby, set it up for me, and unloaded the entire truck. to be honest, he basically loaded it the day we left. i just pushed everything into place as to how it should be packed and cleaned behind us as we emptied rooms. unbelievable. i am so indebted, and according to my mom, that’s a good characteristic to have. so i’ll wear it for a while, but i do hope i’ll have a chance to do something in return.

wednesday, dan left. i really wish he could’ve stayed longer. maybe till the weekend, or just till i had a day off and we could’ve explored a little, but as i hinted at, i was kept busy all week.

saturday, michael (one of the crew members from this summer who happens to be from outside LA) came and rescued me from my hotel room. he drove me around glendale and pasadena. later on we caught a midnight showing of the animated movie, the renaissance. it was hard to stay awake that late. i’ve been turning in early to stay on top of the days around here. anyway, he’s looking to get an apartment soon as well, so maybe we’ll get a place together. it would be really nice to live around someone i know, and someone who knows the area.

today, i’ve done little other than get some groceries and a few things from my storage.

the truth is, i don’t know if i want to delve into what i’ve been hit with here at work. it’s hard, and it’s incredibly messy. . . . on so many levels. i see a way through it, i just don’t know if i’ll have the support that i’ll need. i hope i figure that part out this week. i think i’ll keep that for another entry.

oh, i’m the staff ME at CalArts. if i didn’t make that clear earlier.

oy

as if!

i’ve been worrying, and thinking, and quasi planning- but not planning too much. . . and following this pre-landing flight pattern. . . and now i have coordinates and i can complete my planning and my landing.

after a tumultuous month and a half. . . i’ve gotten some incredible news. i have a new job! i have to move! i have to find a new apartment. . . . in california. . . . before november 6 when i start the new job at calarts. oy!

i guess all the worrying, thinking, and quasi planning overwhelmed me a bit though. i noticed on monday and tuesday that my heart rate seemed a little racy. i had a hard time getting to sleep at night. . . a hard time relaxing and shutting down my brain. . . . and i was waking up 45 minutes before my alarm was set to go off- trust me when i stress that waking up to early is not usually a problem that i’m accustomed to.

so wednesday happened. there was a little more stress with the added event of telling my current employers that i was considering a new job, but everything went really well. i joined katy for some evening tv at her new apartment- since i still don’t have cable- and she felt the need for me to catch up and share in the new episodes of lost and project runway. we had a fantastic evening in front of the tv and then i went home.

it was quiet there, and my heart was still racing. so i did some exercises, then i tried to relax. my heart was still racing. then i really tried to breath deeply and meditate or whatever. nothing was helping and the more i worried about my heart, the louder it got in my ears, and the faster it seemed. so, i put my clothes back on and and drove to the emergency room. according to my initial tests, i had wicked high blood pressure, and an accelerated heart rate. from that point, i got the full treatment; ekg reading, blood tests, urine tests, chest x-ray, and constant monitoring. every 15 minutes i watched my blood pressure drop on the monitor, but my heart rate remained high. according to all my tests, my heart was fine, i’m not anemic, my thyroid is good. . . everything in order, except for a raised element of stress and anxiety. they were having a busy night at the hospital, and i sat there for a good 4 hours. i read from a book i had with me, i watched some video blogs on my ipod, and i tried really hard to fall asleep, but it wasn’t happening. when the doctor came to give me my assessment i was wide awake. he said he had covered all the bases and had to think it was anxiety driven, and the fact that i was still sitting up and awake at 5:30 in the morning, pointed that maybe i had something on my mind.

my consolation prize? a follow up visit to my doctor and tranquilizers. sweet sweet tranquilizers. . . . my bridge to a good relaxing night’s sleep for a few days.

while i recounted the whole thing to my mom she tells me that she was prone to those types of episodes as well. wow. . . thanks for the tip.

so, i’ve caught you up on the good, and the interesting. . . .

now, please excuse me, i have a myriad of lists to make. .. lists of all the things i need to accomplish before and in order to leave. -then, i have to accomplish them. so, forgive me if my phone answering, email answering, and blogging is a bit spotty.

ps . . . did i tell you about the mouse incident?

ok real quick. . . and hopefully you didn’t just eat lunch or dinner.

i had a strike call a couple of weeks ago. i had been walking around the electrics shop, and i got a sense that perhaps there was a dead mouse somewhere, but it was real faint, so i wasn’t sure if i was getting a good reading. a few people started showing up. i was pulling floorplates off of units that we had set up for a concert a little while back. i’d pick up a unit and put it on the table to work with. the entire time i had a conversation running across the work table, and more people were showing up. i picked up the next unit, placed it on the table and stepped to where it had been on the floor. there was an immense *POP* i had been packing boxes the week before and there were a lot of packing peanuts and bubble wrap around, but i thought i’d put it all away, and then figured that i’d missed some bubble wrap. i hadn’t. it wasn’t bubble wrap. it was a dead mouse. i stepped on it, and it *POPPED*. . . loudly! most people were just grossed out by the noise. . . i had the noise, and the feeling of having stepped on a once living thing that then violently expelled all of it’s internal gasses in one extremely foul swoop -the noise and the feeling in my head as well. you know how sometimes you avoid stepping on the big bugs to kill them, because you don’t want to feel them crunch. . . this is worse, much worse. avoid at all costs. thank goodness someone else was brave enough to clean it up. . . i can usually handle dragging a dead mouse to the trash. . . . but not this time.

ok, that’s it for now. onto that self proclaimed list of things to do.

i'm cerulean. . .

it’s not exactly blue. . . but there is definitely a funk about me. . .and not a ‘brickhouse’ funk, or a ‘haven’t showered’ funk. we’re talking an emptiness, a loss, a limbo about me. i have a hard time with the transition from off season to summer season and back again. during the winter i get really used to seeing the same 10 or 12 people around, the quietness and the space. i barely walk near the stage, there’s not much reason. i regularly have conversations with the few people in props and costumes, and i work with everyone in the scene shop throughout that time. then people start to filter in. the first group is usually small, so it’s more exciting to have a few new people around. by the third or fourth influx i get irritated. during the winter, i can normally get from one office or department to the other without tripping over people and being stopped to answer questions but now there’s all these people in the way. a couple of weeks into it, i’m over the ‘intrusion’ of new people and i’m back in electrics full time. i barely have time to stop and discuss anything other than the next needed thing for a show with someone from another department. my schedule flip flops to evenings and i rarely see the day shift for more than an hour or two a day, and from a distance at that. historically, the electrics and lighting department become their own entity/ family. our schedule is pretty separated from other departments. we get to know a few people from other departments that run the shows, but they have a tough time getting through the tough knit that we make of our group. it’s rare when we don’t end up hanging out together, even on our few chances to have time apart. what made that even stronger this year, was the sense that a handful of staff members are considering, or have decided to not return next summer. these people have been apart of the summer season for 6+ years. . . some for a decade. they’ve created an institution among themselves. they move back to their off season in packs. . . a group to seattle, a group to baltimore, a group to chicago.

it’s not easy being the only one here still. i like being here, this town, this company, but the view is so different from someone who only moves in for 3 to 5 months at a time. their belongings are easily packed into boxes and bags and transported. i can’t even imagine my stuff fitting into a box. i don’t know where else my tool bag could fit except on the shelf near my feet under my desk in the office. needless to say, i am completely unmotivated to get any sort of organizing, cleaning, etc done in the electric shop, in order to leave it in good order, even for the winter. though there’s a possibility of leaving it with more distance on my horizon. all the summer people are gone, and a lot of winter people are taking what’s left of their vacation time. who cares if there is something slightly foul smelling rotting in the garbage. . . . or if color frame storage is a shambles? who is going to care, other than me. . . and right now, i have heavier thoughts on my mind.

what makes this more difficult is the past month or month and a half o my life. august, at the opera, is when all the shows are finally running, no more technical rehearsals. for about two weeks, their is a collective sigh, just keep the shows running as they have been. come in later to work, do a few side projects, but nothing with as much urgency. then, there’s a pick up. the apprentice scenes happen on the 2nd and 3rd weekend of august. so for the week preceding the concerts, our apprentices take on more responsibilities and supervisory positions. yes, again, it’s longer hours. . . but i like it. the apprentices that have real potential start to poke out of the woodwork, and their support group around one another becomes even stronger. . . usually. plus, during the tech rehearsal, which lasts one night, all night, the deck crew gets to have a little fun. . . in an attempt to entertain and keep awake everyone else at the tech table or the spot booth. crew members show up in garish opera costumes on loan from wardrobe, people become human christmas trees being tugged around on a skate by a rope, prop severed heads show up on different pieces of scenery, and if you’re ever needing a use for a lot of partially used pieces of breakaway glass. . .i’m your girl. it’s a bit of fun in what would be a stressful time. august usually has some sort of gala event as well. this being our 50th anniversary and all, and during the weekend of apprentice scenes, the staff ran the show. i’ve missed running spot. . it’s a lot of fun. you can kind of yell at and harass the performers without them knowing. . . criticize their outfits . . . spot the drunk, etc. . . shortly after that is the big wave of goodbyes. sometimes there’s a chance for a last meal together, a last bbq, sometimes you are directly in the middle of your work day or evening as someone comes up with a goodbye hug. you’ve just finished a day, like every other day this summer, only if you return the next day, half of the people, or two thirds of the people you work with, play with, eat with, sleep with, drink with, hang out with, talk with, experience every single day of the summer with. . . . . they won’t be there. it’s rather surreal. and then there’s the ones that you don’t mind seeing out the door. . . :) ‘here, let me help you with your bags. . . buh bye!’ but even them, you miss a little, simply because there are fewer of them.

but it’s not over! there’s still a handful of people, and a handful of shows. . . . the freaking concert season. we had four this year, the mariachi concert, james brown, dwight yoakam, and lou reed. they are trouble. the people coming expect a rock and roll venue with an union type crew, while the people here are tired, spent, have just said good bye to some good friends, and now have to run shows without the team that made them efficient. i usually get left with almost no crew for these. well, the mariachi show is early enough on to have some people around. . . but once everyone’s left, you staff the show with anyone from the opera, and being the only one on the lighting crew to know where to look for a cut of gel or how to move an instrument in the roof without ruining the rep hang. . . really sucks. this year i was a little spoiled. i had a crew member stay behind with me for a week and a half. we pulled another crew member in for the shows who was a quick study, and james brown and dwight yoakam ran pretty smoothly. both of them had left by lou reed. . . and lou reed sucked. ‘no sir, we don’t fly truss unless you bring it with you.’ ‘yep, sorry, you’ll just have to make due with what jennifer tipton and duane schuler used this year. . . sorry sir.’ arg.

for a week though, michael (the crew member) and i sorted, organized, filed, archived, and prepped for the concerts. then, we took monday off. no concert that day, and we were tired. we did a day of museums and touristy things that he hadn’t had a chance to do yet. OH, in the midst of all this, i’d been interviewing for a job. a couple weeks before the season ended, lesley (the board op here. . . who had also gotten a new job this summer) got an email from a friend that works are a decent school in california. they just lost their master electrician. this was about 15 minutes after is actually happened. i cleaned up my resume and had people at work check it for me. i cleaned it up and reformatted it in a way i hadn’t before, but i kind of approached it with a, ‘would be nice to see where it falls with them, and wouldn’t it be funny if it became serious’ kind of attitude. well, then it became serious. on the monday that michael and i took a mental health day, they called and wanted me to fly out for a visit and interview that week. monday- day off, tuesday- dwight yoakam, wednesday- michael leaves, thursday and friday- i fly to california for an interview, saturday- lou reed. oh, and friday, i’m supposed to be moved out of my apartment, and just as a fun side note, my computer hard drive ate itself the week before, so i just got it back and was getting everything back into place the end of the week before, which included asking california to send a copy of my resume back since it was the only copy in existence. difficult week, but i had a plan. . .

michael and i went to dinner, maria’s- since it was about his last chance for a new mexican meal. while headed back to the apartments for a movie i noticed that i missed two calls from my family. my family members and i usually talk on sundays, and i missed a few over the busy nature of the summer, but i don’t like getting tag teamed when it’s not a sunday. i said that to michael as we were walking. . . . that it makes me fear bad news. and then i sent michael to walk ahead when i hear in a message that my grandpa’s had a stroke and is in the hospital. my parents and i talk over my interview and how they don’t want me to cancel it, and how we’ll have more answers after a series of MRI’s the next day. i’m thinking to myself, this is the part in the movie where the girls drops everything she’s doing and hops the next flight home. . . . but this isn’t a movie, and i’m moved because my parents didn’t want to give me this news which might derail me from interviewing, and the kicker, that grandpa would want me to do my best and make him proud, and wouldn’t want his being hurt to change my plans. after crying and talking on the phone for a while i walk into darin and michael’s apartment, explain the situation and request a distracting evening. so we sit and watch, ‘what the bleep’ which uses quantum theory to question our very existence. . . . . hmmm. . . kind of surreal. and then i have to run a dwight yoakam concert. and you ask . . . could things get more mucked up? why yes, they could. . . .

i called my landlord during the day to ask if i could extend my lease for a couple of weeks. she hadn’t found anyone to rent to yet, so this works out very well for both of us. . . fantastic, i hadn’t really looked for a place anyway. so i have an apartment till october 1st and i have dwight yoakam all day, and i have news about my grandpa as some point. the show actually goes up really easily, and then i’m running the show with no news. so i call my mom, from the light board, country music blaring all around me. mom says there is good and bad news. one can only imagine where my mind immediately wandered to. but it wasn’t near to what i heard. grandpa was in good health and fine. it wasn’t a stroke. . . but his depression was much deeper than we understood. this wonderfully funny man, who missed his wife, my grandma, thought he’d become too much of a burden on our family. it’s true, his health had been worse lately, but perhaps the depression was feeding into that. nurses were prepped to ask if, at his age, he used a walker or a cane. he uses neither. he’d been splitting wood and shingling his house in the past weeks. it didn’t occur to me till just yesterday that this all happened on september 11. i was out with a friend. we stopped at two churches. the touristy area of downtown santa fe. having moved almost completely into a mental state of atheism, the irony of me in a church is not lost. yet i fall into routine. i blessed myself with the holy water. i walked up to the conquistadora chapel. the first likeness of the mother mary to be carried to the americas resides there. i lit a candle, feeling a little theatrical in front of a friend, but resigning that i always light a candle and say a small hello to my grandma from that chapel. at about the same time, my grandpa took a bunch of his old medication. . . . maybe he was hoping to get a chance to say ‘hi’ to her too. only yesterday did i metaphorically equate the falling of the towers 5 years ago, to my grandpa falling. my aunt told me he has a bad bruise on his arm from falling. i worry about my dad, stopping by after work to find his own dad like that. i worry that rushing home to visit will embarrass my grandpa. my aunt says he’s worried that everyone is angry with him now. i feel like i understand his frustration in life, but that i’m selfish in not wanting him to leave yet. when being wistful i always considered him the king of our pride. in lion terms. he’s got this great mane-like head of semi-shaggy pure white hair. i always hoped i inherited those genes. of course i always thought of it in terms of how fantastic the dyes would turn out in my hair if i could start with a white base. the other thing that always caught me was the size of his hands. i never noticed that anyone else has similar hands in our family. his are like carpenter’s hands. large and puffy with muscles. his job was as a draftsman, but he built this beautiful cradle for me when i was born, and it’s made proper, like a carpenter would, with pegs and joints. that cradle’s been shared by all the cousins now. my aunt worries that my younger cousins don’t know and remember their grandparents as my brother and i do.

eh hem. . .

so that was tuesday, kind of. wednesday was really quiet in the shop. michael and darin left. thursday and friday were absolute whirlwinds. flying out to california, i got in around noon and didn’t stop till around 11:30 pm, meeting faculty, staff, students. meetings one after another. i got to see a rehearsal in their downtown theatre, and nearly got to see an old friend from emerson, but i was wiped out, and still had another day to put in. another whole day of meeting people and sitting in on classes, and getting lost in their building, and then flying out around 4pm to get home again around midnight. of course there’s a lot more. . but one focus. . . or one less focus at a time please.

over all the meetings/ interviews did go well. but like i said, i’m in limbo, and can’t tell which way my emotions are facing. there’s comfort in staying. . . and there’s excitement in a new place. . . at this point i could flip a coin and be content with either turn out.

saturday was lou reed. honestly . . . i’d rather just forget the whole thing. . . it wasn’t fun. . but not as bad as lyle lovett a couple of years back. . . moving on. . .

this week is cerulean. there has been so much activity in my recent past, there is the possibility of there being more activity in the near future, i can’t be just blue. there’s too much spice in the mix, it can’t be plain blue. . . but it is a flavor of blue. my roommates have already all moved out. . . i still have to finish packing in order to move. . . to where is a whole other world of unknown. my house is quiet, my work is quiet. . . . i’m not whining - i’ll let coldplay and death cab for cutie do that for me in my ipod. i’m not looking for an outpouring of sympathy emails or phone calls. . . i am crying, but i’m looking to stand strong in my own life. . . or at least find a comfortable chair in it somewhere. i’m missing my coworkers, my friends, and my family, but there are too many uncertainties right now for me to make any move. i’m waiting for the ringing in my ears, which seems to have become an overall remnant body buzz to quiet down a little more, as much as it seems uncomfortable, so i can see my next step more clearly. . . and move at the appropriate time.

i find it funny- not haha funny, but huh. . . isn’t life interesting funny- that three people from emerson who i haven’t heard from in a long time, each found me on myspace in the past week in a half. one’s lived in LA for years, one’s been in england for several years but is now working on a show in china, and a third is flying out to south korea this week. i’m thankful for them reaching out and finding me.

and now, finally, i will be leaving this post. i don’t have the strength to reread it for grammatical errors or misspellings. if you made it all the way through reading, you should reward yourself. have a great day, and wish me much rest, and some productive cleaning and packing this weekend.

erika withdrawl

have you missed me?

hell, i’ve missed me.

actually, not to get your hopes up or anything, but this is just a test. you see amidst the confusion of the end of the opera season, and the concert season and a myriad of other things that has been my life for the past month, my hard drive crashed. the computer was fixed, everything all good, but i lost quite a bit of info, including all my blog stuff. that and since i’m supposed to move out of my apartment soon, i’ve had the internet shut off. so i’m not completely ready to dive right back in, but i thought i’d take a minute to let everyone,- yep all three of you, know that i haven’t completely fallen off the face of the earth. nope, just hanging on the edge but i have a safety rope attached and i’m slowly clawing my way up.

in touch soon.

arrivals and departures

so my mom got into town sometime in the middle of last week. for the weekend both her brother and my brother came into town. we were able to do a handful of meals as a group, some movie watching and relaxing time. . . and both the brothers finally got to see an opera. we did a stroll through shidoni. . . and as luck had it, they were pouring bronze while we were there. i’ll have to get a few pictures up when i get a chance.

my actual days off felt a bit unproductive. we attempted as a group to get to the taos pueblo. this is my second attempt, and my second failure. they were closed. . . again. maybe the taos pueblo and i don’t need to spend much time together. it’s just not meant to be.

the next day was short. . . a late breakfast and then a trip to the airport for dan to head back to boston. short visit, but he he’d missed a chance to see a show at the opera last year and i was really glad he got to see two of them this time around. plus, we also got a couple rounds of katamari damacy in as well. .. . along with a well deserved rubbing to me for not having made it through the two entire games already.

mom and i got to see a dance show as well. i’ve been wanting to see momix since ‘98. . . i was given a hat with their logo by a schoolmate who got it as swag from doing a load in. anyone who had seen their show could explain the logo. . . but i’d never seen it, only heard about it numerous times. they did a different repertoire, but it was still pretty stunning.

charlie left sunday. . . dan left monday. . . mom left tuesday. . . and my friend sarah left the country on sunday as well. i had sent her a small care package with a few items to help her while away the time. . . but my schedule got really busy and then my family showed up. i almost completely missed calling her before she took off! i got a 15 minute call in on sunday morning before her flight in the evening. she has a teaching job for six months in india. . . and she plans to make it a full year there. i’m so excited for her. i think it’s a large and necessary step. i know our communications will be less frequent. . . and somehow i feel my complaint crabbiness from work and lame sporadic boy problems will so pale in comparison to her everyday trials and achievements. i mean really. . .. how much can the gossip about project runway matter? i will miss that kind of banter terribly. . . and yet, i can’t wait to hear or read about her daily adventures.

and it being august, this week has been a little easier. all the shows are up and running, and we’ve had fewer hours to put in. but it will only be for a week. next week we start working on apprentice scenes. . . and maybe there will be one more week of ‘simple work.’ and then. . . more departures.

mmmm. . . maybe some family fun center for tomorrow though! maybe. . . .

iz too long. . . let me sum up. . .

well. i had the day off today, so naturally i only had to start work 3 hours before everyone else. . . . but overall, only put in about 7 work hours. . . not bad for a day off. . .

it was completely craptastic though. if the dude from batteries plus hadn’t let me in on the fact that lowes- a grocery i’ve never been to, carries dry ice- i may have had to institutionalize myself on the spot. you see a few days ago we NEEDED dry ice to test a fog effect. there was none in santa fe. so i was sent to los alamos to get some. as it turned out, i really didn’t want to be at work anyway, so the drive was a nice change of pace, though i would’ve liked it more had we actually tested the dry ice effect by the end of the evening. . . .oooooopsie! oh well. c’est la vie. . . or rather. . . c’est MA vie.

the noon time shopping/ traffic in this town is getting to me. it’s about as fun as screwing a chainsaw. . . . sideways. someone cut me off in a target isle and i honestly thought about punching him. in fact i took great delight in envisioning the entire scene of me just turning around and decking him square in the jaw. then it occurred to me that that particular action may land me in jail. . . . *lightbulb* a day off! honestly, the only thing that troubled me was the thought that i might lose my pocket knife while being jailed. granted, they’d confiscate all my on person possessions. . . but would i get the knife back after being released?

i did have the evening off. . . and let my brain fizzle out over some indian food and project runway. . . yeah! season 3!

why doesn’t indian food grow off the leaves of my house plants. . . it would make things soooooo much easier. can we get the bio technicians working on that?

lets see. . . what else. forgot my aunt’s birthday! dammit, still gotta get out a belated birthday wish.

i spent a decent amount of time inviting people to a free dress rehearsal of the show that i think is really worth seeing this summer. and i’ve been severely disappointed in the turn out. though there are a few people who are completely excited about the opportunity. . . and maybe that would make up for it. . . . had i not had a side screwing chainsaw type day.

ummm. . . . our participation in the prop tart coronation was rather successful. since it was such a lame theme- ‘all that glitters is gold’- we finally landed on ‘showering the prop tart queen in gold’ physically, it was a light fixture made to look like a shower head with golden light and golden tinsel streaming out of it. . . . but combine that with the earl of electrics arriving in his fake monthly bath and a bunch of sexual innuendoes. . . . and you have the prop tart queen receiving a golden shower from the early of electrics. excellent response to a craptastic theme- i think.

my boss during the winter, the technical director, is leaving the company after this summer. what’s really weird about that is that he announced it at a production meeting on tuesday, and i didn’t find out till that friday. -that means that even the rumor mill isn’t doing a good job of moving information around. . . . pathetic.

there’s this guy from another department that asked to borrow an inductive ohm meter last night. and the group of us kind of sat at the table all collectively thinking. . . ‘what a tool!’ the guy. . . not the actual tool. surprisingly i put the words together in my head and realized that he would like to borrow an ‘amp clamp.’ no one who actually owns an inductive ohm meter calls it an inductive ohm meter- that’s like calling a ‘slinky’ a ‘wave motion demonstrator’. . . . people who actually own this tool call it an amp clamp. . . . only complete assholes call it an inductive ohm meter. then, after trying to use it, he had to call my boss and ask for help. not me- the owner of said amp clamp. . . but my boss. -asshole! note to reader- apparently people who ask for an inductive ohm meter -instead of an amp clamp- also have no idea of how to use one.

he asked to borrow it again today. . . . and i made him call it an amp clamp before i handed it to him.- makes me wanna punch babies. . . and i’m not even close to my period! if only i had some super hero powers and could make peoples’ heads explode just by staring at them hard. . . . i’d have to deal with a lot fewer idiots.

let see. . . oh, the paint apprentice in the prop shop quit. . . . making three people to quit from props, one carpenter, one paint apprentice, and the lead prop painter-, yes the girl who was our roommate.

wow, i’m about to fall asleep at my computer. . . so i’ll finish off quick like.

pros for the past couple of weeks- new camera to play with, and new video ipod. now i can watch zefrank’s podcasts anywhere i can carry the pod. . . yay. honestly. . . . it just makes every public restroom into my own private livingroom with a tv and a can. brilliant!

i shall leave you with the immortal words of a friend of mine who i’ve been pushing to start a blog.

“however, if you should find yourself disturbed by any of the things you find herein, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and simply do as i do--blame erika. this blog is totally her fault.”

i blame myself.

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this was one of the larger gag gifts from this season's opening night. pretty much a team effort with a really cool comic book program and a bit of photoshopping. . .

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